George Bernard Shaw said: "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing." That's an interesting thought, isn't it? Is it true? Can mistakes actually be honorable? I've been pondering on this lately, and I think the conclusion that I've come to is: it depends. Sometimes, a life spent making mistakes translates into a life of doing nothing and creates a great deal of pain for people connected to the individual. In other instances, mistakes become powerful gifts that hold powerful lessons that shape us and impact us in meaningful ways.
Researchers have found that by the time a person reaches the age of 60, enough "bad experiences" have occurred in a person's life to provide what we call "wisdom". Simply put, wisdom is the ability to know what is and what is not worth being upset about.
For example, being a child of the 80s, I definitely have one or two hairstyles that I would classify as a MISTAKE! My daughters, when looking at some of my childhood photos, have asked more than once "Mom, did you think your hair looked good in that picture?" I usually will laugh and answer that "yes....at the time I actually did think my hair looked good in the picture, but that I realize now it did not! However, with a couple more decades of "wisdom" in my pocket, I know that those embarrassing photos are not worth being upset about.
I wish that bad 80s hairstyles were the sum of mistakes made in my life. However, that is not the case. Those "bad experiences" would not yield enough wisdom to really serve me well. As I review my life inventory, I can find many more critical mistakes I have made that have led to more meaningful and useful wisdom. These include judging another person too harshly or continually trusting somebody who is not trustworthy. They include being determined to make something happen, when the best course was actually not the one I was so determined to pursue. They include risks I was too scared to take and putting energy into pursuits or relationships that really didn't matter. They include times I acted with recklessness and times when I was not compassionate....either with myself or somebody else. They include times that I was hurting and thereby ended up hurting somebody else. In recovery, we refer to this inventory of painful moments we walk back and review as the dark night of the soul. It is a necessary step in stripping away denial and facing the dark and secret side of the self. It's an opportunity to meet the shadows on the wall and to uncover the unbearable truths they conceal. It requires sorting through all of your feelings and experiences. It requires taking full responsibility for yourself. Without this step we are unable to harvest the important lessons our history holds. This is the process in which our mistakes transform into gifts. To leave this step undone, is to spend a lifetime doing nothing. This process teaches us a way of focusing on what we can take away from every experience and prepares us for profound, meaningful change. In recovery, we call these opportunities "wake-up calls."
Several years ago, on a warm August evening, I was sitting on my front porch by myself, listening to the sounds of my neighborhood....the lawn mowers, neighbor kids playing, the sound of skateboards on sidewalks. It had been a typical hot August day and I was feeling drained and exhausted. It had also been the day of my father's funeral. As I sat and contemplated on the events of the day, the past week, the previous years of my life and of my father's life, I was experiencing profound sorrow. My father had lived a life of mistakes that at the end, translated into a life spent doing nothing. It was painful to be in a relationship with my father. It hurt. As I contemplated on the wounds this created in my life, I asked myself a painful and poignant question: Based on the wounds I experienced as a child, and the behaviors that sprang from those wounds....I wonder what it's like to be in a relationship with me? More important, I wondered what it was like for my children to be my children. That led to some honest conversations with each of my kids, which had mixed reviews. I learned that I hold back. That they feel loved, yet they also had experienced my being guarded, protecting myself so that I don't get hurt....which is a technique I learned as a young child. I learned that they love me and they know I love them, but they also feel when I hold back. This wasn't something I intended to do with my children. Intellectually I know I am an adult, but intellect wasn't enough to move me out of childhood wounds, beliefs or behaviors. I am grateful they had the courage to be open and lovingly honest. (We all have room for improvement, right?) After my conversations with my girls, I went to my husband and had a similar conversation with him. The truth about myself emerged in a deep way and brought with it profound resolve. Nothing brings focus like pain.
It was then that the light began to dawn over this vast reservoir of love deep within me that was layered over by wounds of the past. I had a whole new appreciation for how precious pain is. I began to see that only by experiencing the pain could I begin to create a life of my own choosing. Mistakes of the past served as the content for wisdom going forward. That was a wake-up call that brought me to a deeper understanding of who I am and how I am and gave me options for being different. The gifts that came from the difficult conversations are precious to me. I am grateful I was able to begin the process of changing the mistakes I was making and thereby deepening the relationships I have. Since that day, the wake-up calls continue and the process of creating a life of my choosing is never ending. I don't know that answering the wake-up calls has gotten easier. What I do know is that to do so yields rich rewards.
"The universe doesn't like secrets.
It conspires to reveal the truth, to lead us to it."
--Lisa Unger.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Friday, October 11, 2013
I Can......
In every community there is work to be done.
In every nation, there are wounds to heal.
In every heart there is the power to do it.
~Marianne Williamson
It's intriguing for me to watch conflict in our nations, countries, communities and neighborhoods unfold and play out. Whether it's the United States Congress or local PTA squabbles about school spirit shirts....basic common sense and kindness seem to be lacking. I know, conflict is nothing new. A brief review of history would show that the current tide of hate speech, blame games, divisiveness, quarrels and opposition is nothing we haven't experienced before. What is it they say about history repeating? That's right! Something about not learning the lessons of history and therefore being doomed to repeat them!
One of the things I have learned is that in the vast scheme of things, we're not that different. No matter where we come from, our backgrounds, our vast talents and abilities, our life experiences...everything that could potentially make us different, actually brings us together and makes us very much the same. We all long to be loved, to give love, to find happiness and to feel safe and secure.
Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that the current focus is on our similarities, but rather our insecurities and fears are allowed to focus on the faults of others or our differences. I have found that the steady streaming of conflict has challenged me to look at who I am and how I am. I admit I have my failings, my bad days, and my moments of fear. However, I have also found that the steady stream of conflict also calls out a resolution inside of me to cultivate goodness, beauty, truth and wisdom.
A couple months ago, in my blog post Peace is Heroic, I said that peace is easy to project when life is naturally peaceful. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to describe the collective time we are living in. During turbulent times, peace becomes heroic. Peace becomes heroic when there's turmoil around you and when there's turmoil within you. It seems that the time to truly be heroic has presented itself to us.
Duality will always exist. There will always be both light & dark, good & bad, accountability & compassion, justice and mercy, hatred & love. I'm not interested in who is at fault. What I am interested in is who will rise above? Who will lead out? Who will reach across? You don't have to intend to hurt someone in order to hurt someone. I can be more conscientious of others when I speak or act. People shouldn't have to earn kindness. I can practice more kindness. True beauty is reflected in the soul. I can be more caring, more considerate. Humanity can be so beautiful, it can represent the good in us, the spiritual in us, the compassion in us. I can cultivate compassion. Our planet is too small for everyone to get their way. I can celebrate and embrace diversity. The world breaks everyone. I can turn my wounds into wisdom. I see so much negativity and cruelty. I can have courage to trust and believe in the goodness of others.
"Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal.". JFK
What can you do?
A couple months ago, in my blog post Peace is Heroic, I said that peace is easy to project when life is naturally peaceful. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to describe the collective time we are living in. During turbulent times, peace becomes heroic. Peace becomes heroic when there's turmoil around you and when there's turmoil within you. It seems that the time to truly be heroic has presented itself to us.
Duality will always exist. There will always be both light & dark, good & bad, accountability & compassion, justice and mercy, hatred & love. I'm not interested in who is at fault. What I am interested in is who will rise above? Who will lead out? Who will reach across? You don't have to intend to hurt someone in order to hurt someone. I can be more conscientious of others when I speak or act. People shouldn't have to earn kindness. I can practice more kindness. True beauty is reflected in the soul. I can be more caring, more considerate. Humanity can be so beautiful, it can represent the good in us, the spiritual in us, the compassion in us. I can cultivate compassion. Our planet is too small for everyone to get their way. I can celebrate and embrace diversity. The world breaks everyone. I can turn my wounds into wisdom. I see so much negativity and cruelty. I can have courage to trust and believe in the goodness of others.
"Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal.". JFK
What can you do?
Thursday, September 19, 2013
You're Braver Than You Think!
About a month ago, I changed the wallpaper on my iPhone to a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that I love and that I decided I need to practice. The quote is this: "DO ONE THING EVERY DAY THAT SCARES YOU." Over the past month, I've noticed how helpful it has been to read this every time I see my phone wallpaper. I've been surprised at how many times I have felt strengthened, challenged, called out and I have even been pleasantly surprised and delighted at how brave I have felt.
Bravery is being a courageous person. One that does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty or pain. It is speaking up for what is right, even if there is opposition. It is acting on our convictions.
What I have learned over this month as I have been practicing bravery is that often, my anger lies close to my bravery. For many of us we were taught that anger is bad, that it is a fault, that if we can't say something nice, we shouldn't say anything at all, and that we should "go to our room until we can be nice". But anger is something we feel. And when we feel it, we want to do something with it. We want to yell, we want to hit something or someone, we want to break something, we want to kick something, we want to scream, we want to use our voice and insult that person, really let out a zinger. But because we are taught to be nice people, we bury it instead. We stuff it down, we medicate it, we ignore it and we put a smile on our face. This isn't really helpful when it comes to anger. Anger is meant to be respected. Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is meant to be acted upon, not to be acted out. Anger is our alert system, it tells us to pay attention. Anger shows us what our boundaries are. It can let us see where we have been and what we have not liked. Anger points us in the direction we need to move, towards the actions we need to take. With a little thought and a bit of insight, we can usually decode the message that our anger is sending us.
Once we have decoded the message that our anger is sending us, the next step is to then act upon that message. Again, anger is meant to be acted upon, not to be acted out. There are many ways we can act out our anger. We can get explosive, using many of the tactics listed above. We can get mean and nasty with our words. We can be cruel, arrogant and dismissive. We can be passive aggressive. We can be patronizing and demeaning. We can be sarcastic and biting. We can be silent. Acting upon our anger, however, doesn't look like any of these.
Acting upon our anger may call us out to speak up, to take a stand. When we are brave, this comes from a place of wisdom, a place of knowing. A place in our core that holds us to our personal truths.
Bravery can look like trying something new and not being afraid to fail. It may be asking a question, or loving somebody unconditionally. Bravery may look like seeking forgiveness. It may look like facing our fears or finally seeing the unbearable truth hidden behind our pain. Bravery looks like showing up...all of us...our real self. Sometimes bravery means saying no. It may be following our dream and trusting that the path will open up.
I think if you were to ask people if they think they are brave, most would tell you no. For many of us, our brave moments don't stand out as brave moments. However, when we start to practice our bravery, when we pay attention and look for it....I believe we will be surprised at how brave we all are.
Bravery is being a courageous person. One that does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty or pain. It is speaking up for what is right, even if there is opposition. It is acting on our convictions.
What I have learned over this month as I have been practicing bravery is that often, my anger lies close to my bravery. For many of us we were taught that anger is bad, that it is a fault, that if we can't say something nice, we shouldn't say anything at all, and that we should "go to our room until we can be nice". But anger is something we feel. And when we feel it, we want to do something with it. We want to yell, we want to hit something or someone, we want to break something, we want to kick something, we want to scream, we want to use our voice and insult that person, really let out a zinger. But because we are taught to be nice people, we bury it instead. We stuff it down, we medicate it, we ignore it and we put a smile on our face. This isn't really helpful when it comes to anger. Anger is meant to be respected. Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is meant to be acted upon, not to be acted out. Anger is our alert system, it tells us to pay attention. Anger shows us what our boundaries are. It can let us see where we have been and what we have not liked. Anger points us in the direction we need to move, towards the actions we need to take. With a little thought and a bit of insight, we can usually decode the message that our anger is sending us.
Once we have decoded the message that our anger is sending us, the next step is to then act upon that message. Again, anger is meant to be acted upon, not to be acted out. There are many ways we can act out our anger. We can get explosive, using many of the tactics listed above. We can get mean and nasty with our words. We can be cruel, arrogant and dismissive. We can be passive aggressive. We can be patronizing and demeaning. We can be sarcastic and biting. We can be silent. Acting upon our anger, however, doesn't look like any of these.
Acting upon our anger may call us out to speak up, to take a stand. When we are brave, this comes from a place of wisdom, a place of knowing. A place in our core that holds us to our personal truths.
Bravery can look like trying something new and not being afraid to fail. It may be asking a question, or loving somebody unconditionally. Bravery may look like seeking forgiveness. It may look like facing our fears or finally seeing the unbearable truth hidden behind our pain. Bravery looks like showing up...all of us...our real self. Sometimes bravery means saying no. It may be following our dream and trusting that the path will open up.
I think if you were to ask people if they think they are brave, most would tell you no. For many of us, our brave moments don't stand out as brave moments. However, when we start to practice our bravery, when we pay attention and look for it....I believe we will be surprised at how brave we all are.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Killing Creativity
This is a great TED talk on Killing Creativity. In our Beginnings group the past few weeks we have been talking about the disconnect between the head and the body that happens for many addicts. Ken Robinson talks about this in his TED talk and how connection between our head and body is critical for creativity. I love when he says "if you're not prepared to be wrong, you will never come up with something original"! Carve 20 minutes out of your busy day and give it a watch. You will be glad you did!
http://www.ted.com/playlists/77/new_to_ted.html
http://www.ted.com/playlists/77/new_to_ted.html
Friday, August 30, 2013
How Do I Respond to Failure?
I don't know anybody who enjoys losing. I don't know anybody who at some point in their life hasn't been afraid to fail. All of us can fall prey to the little chicken running around warning that the sky is falling. These seem to be common human experiences. However, when we take a minute to breathe, step back and look at history, there seems to be something that separates the winners from the losers; and it doesn't seem to be determined merely by the outcome. Attitude, it would seem, plays a critical part.
As I said, nobody enjoys losing. However, failure can inspire winners. If you hate losing, then allow that to motivate you. One story from history that illustrates this point is of Xenophon, the Greek historian, philosopher, soldier and mercenary, who was being pursued by a huge army of Persians. He and his men had to take a stand on a hillside. One of his generals stated that he didn't think it was a good location to make their stand. The general pointed out that there was a cliff behind them and there would be no way to retreat if they needed to. Xenophon told his general, “Exactly! We welcome the cliff. In fact, here is what we are going to do. We are going to march our armies so their backs are directly to the cliff, that way the Persians will know that we can never retreat and our men will know that retreat is not an option.
One of my favorite quotes from one of my all time favorite books To Kill A Mockingbird also illustrates this point of allowing the chance of failure to motivate you. As you may recall the main story takes place during three years of the Great Depression in the fictional "tired old town" of Maycomb, Alabama. It focuses on six-year-old Scout Finch, who lives with her older brother Jem and their widowed father Atticus, a middle-aged lawyer. Atticus is appointed by the court to defend Tom Robinson, a black man who has been accused of raping a young white woman, Mayella Ewell. Although many of Maycomb's citizens disapprove, Atticus agrees to defend Tom. As persecution increases and the trial approaches Atticus teaches his children: "real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway. And you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do."
I believe there is a difference between hating to lose and being afraid to lose. If there is a fear of losing, that is usually associated with a belief that losing says something about you personally. It may tap into some of our negative core scripts about not being good enough, not getting it right, being a failure rather than experiencing failure. These fears or doubts make us shrink, not try at all or paralyze us from acting or moving forward. Simply put, failure inspires winners and defeats losers. If you are reading this and find that the fear of failure has been prevalent in your life, that indicates some unresolved work that needs to be done so that you are no longer at the mercy of fear.
The author Robert Kiyosaki uses the example of The Alamo to illustrate another way that we can respond to failure. The story of the Alamo is a story of brave people who chose to fight knowing there was no hope for success. They chose to die rather than surrender. It was a tragic military defeat. Yet, rather than burying the failure or hoping it will pass and nobody will remember, Texans chose to turn it into a rallying cry..."Remember the Alamo!" Do we turn loss into a rallying cry? Does it inspire us? Do we become more determined? Do we practice harder? Study more? John D. Rockefeller is quoted as saying "turn every disaster into an opportunity."
Another way that fear of failure can play out in our life is playing not to lose rather than playing to win. I've mentioned before that three of my daughters play competitive soccer. (Soccer is a big part of our family life and so I may talk about it more than once.) My 14 year old daughter was on a team several years ago that played not to lose. As a result, they didn't win very many games. At best, they tied and it was only if they were lucky that they won. This particular daughter was born with adult sized energy into a 6lb. 5oz body. Soccer has been a great way for her to channel her energy....and she loves to play soccer. She plays with a focus and determination that is inspiring. If she is focused on moving that ball forward and getting a shot, it's hard to stop her from doing just that. Her coach at that time however, played not to lose. Because she has no fear on the field and isn't afraid to be aggressive, he played her as a defensive player most of the game. If the other team got a goal in, he would then move her up as an offensive player until she scored....and then he would move her back to defense. It was frustrating for her to play this way. Her coach was right that she helped strengthen the defense, however, having a strong defense and a weak offense didn't win games.
As I said, I don't know anybody who enjoys losing, and yet everybody I know has experienced it. It seems to be part of the human experience. If this is true, it would seem that the key to failing is to do it right. If you win, make it big. If you lose, make it spectacular!
As I said, nobody enjoys losing. However, failure can inspire winners. If you hate losing, then allow that to motivate you. One story from history that illustrates this point is of Xenophon, the Greek historian, philosopher, soldier and mercenary, who was being pursued by a huge army of Persians. He and his men had to take a stand on a hillside. One of his generals stated that he didn't think it was a good location to make their stand. The general pointed out that there was a cliff behind them and there would be no way to retreat if they needed to. Xenophon told his general, “Exactly! We welcome the cliff. In fact, here is what we are going to do. We are going to march our armies so their backs are directly to the cliff, that way the Persians will know that we can never retreat and our men will know that retreat is not an option.
One of my favorite quotes from one of my all time favorite books To Kill A Mockingbird also illustrates this point of allowing the chance of failure to motivate you. As you may recall the main story takes place during three years of the Great Depression in the fictional "tired old town" of Maycomb, Alabama. It focuses on six-year-old Scout Finch, who lives with her older brother Jem and their widowed father Atticus, a middle-aged lawyer. Atticus is appointed by the court to defend Tom Robinson, a black man who has been accused of raping a young white woman, Mayella Ewell. Although many of Maycomb's citizens disapprove, Atticus agrees to defend Tom. As persecution increases and the trial approaches Atticus teaches his children: "real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway. And you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do."
I believe there is a difference between hating to lose and being afraid to lose. If there is a fear of losing, that is usually associated with a belief that losing says something about you personally. It may tap into some of our negative core scripts about not being good enough, not getting it right, being a failure rather than experiencing failure. These fears or doubts make us shrink, not try at all or paralyze us from acting or moving forward. Simply put, failure inspires winners and defeats losers. If you are reading this and find that the fear of failure has been prevalent in your life, that indicates some unresolved work that needs to be done so that you are no longer at the mercy of fear.
The author Robert Kiyosaki uses the example of The Alamo to illustrate another way that we can respond to failure. The story of the Alamo is a story of brave people who chose to fight knowing there was no hope for success. They chose to die rather than surrender. It was a tragic military defeat. Yet, rather than burying the failure or hoping it will pass and nobody will remember, Texans chose to turn it into a rallying cry..."Remember the Alamo!" Do we turn loss into a rallying cry? Does it inspire us? Do we become more determined? Do we practice harder? Study more? John D. Rockefeller is quoted as saying "turn every disaster into an opportunity."
Another way that fear of failure can play out in our life is playing not to lose rather than playing to win. I've mentioned before that three of my daughters play competitive soccer. (Soccer is a big part of our family life and so I may talk about it more than once.) My 14 year old daughter was on a team several years ago that played not to lose. As a result, they didn't win very many games. At best, they tied and it was only if they were lucky that they won. This particular daughter was born with adult sized energy into a 6lb. 5oz body. Soccer has been a great way for her to channel her energy....and she loves to play soccer. She plays with a focus and determination that is inspiring. If she is focused on moving that ball forward and getting a shot, it's hard to stop her from doing just that. Her coach at that time however, played not to lose. Because she has no fear on the field and isn't afraid to be aggressive, he played her as a defensive player most of the game. If the other team got a goal in, he would then move her up as an offensive player until she scored....and then he would move her back to defense. It was frustrating for her to play this way. Her coach was right that she helped strengthen the defense, however, having a strong defense and a weak offense didn't win games.
As I said, I don't know anybody who enjoys losing, and yet everybody I know has experienced it. It seems to be part of the human experience. If this is true, it would seem that the key to failing is to do it right. If you win, make it big. If you lose, make it spectacular!
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Principles of Resilience
My daughter said to me the other day "Mom, how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?" I smiled and said "how many?" She responded "one, but the light bulb has to really want to change."
My chosen profession is therapy. I am a therapist. I specialize in working with addictions...specifically with sex addiction. On a daily basis, I hear stories of pain, agony and loss. My job is to help individuals transform their pain, agony and loss into something meaningful. This is the essence of resiliency.
A couple of years ago I decided to become certified as a sex addiction therapist (CSAT). It took me a year to complete this certification and was one of the best decisions I have made in my career thus far. Becoming a CSAT changed me as a person and therefore as a therapist. I trained under Dr. Patrick Carnes, who is a pioneer in the field of sexual addiction recovery, as well as other remarkable professionals who I feel blessed to count as colleagues. There are so many things I learned in my year of certification. One that I want to focus on today are the principles of resilience.
Our society often teaches that when bad things happen it's best to grit your teeth and push through. Some might add just don't talk about it or don't think about it. It turns out, however, it doesn't work like that. And there is much more to recovery and resilience than just getting through. When something bad happens, people fall apart. Not just weak people, but strong people too. Our initial response is to despair. That despair can lead us into addictions or numbing behaviors as a means of escape. It can lead us to denial as a way to protect ourselves from seeing the pain of reality. (There's a reason it's called the "sweet voice of denial"). Or after our initial despair, we can pick ourselves up off the floor and start down the road of resiliency.
The first principle of resilience is Acceptance. Putting off dealing with adversity and sorrow actually delays healing and recovery. M. Scott Peck made an interesting statement, he said "mental health is the pursuit of reality at all costs." Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to acknowledge what is real. However, when we acknowledge reality, only then are we able to do something about it.
The second principle is Predictability. There is a large body of research stating that adverse stress is less likely when a challenging event is predictable. Life is hard....and that is predictable. We will always have stressors and challenges. One of the things that I learned from Dr. Carnes is that recovery or resilience is much like training for athletes. Olympic competitors or professional athletes know that to succeed, they will experience great stress. Therefore, what they do is train for it. They work every day to prepare for the stressful event, be it a game or tournament. Each day, they build their strength, push themselves to improve their skills and practice strategies for winning. Athletes also "cross train" so that the demands on one muscle set doesn't become too much. They also find regular patterns of rest. They take care of themselves. Training every day for the stressors or challenges that will come to us helps us cultivate resilience.
The third principle of resilience is Controllability. Nobody can control every aspect of a challenging event. However, we also know that having a sense of control generally leads to more positive results. This is where knowing and respecting what our limits are as well as knowing what choices we do have becomes important. The serenity prayer that is recited so often in recovery God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference helps us in our ability to adapt and be resilient. When we recognize what it is that we can change and act on a plan the result is a life of our own creating. Otherwise, our life would be based on the expectations of others or the result of a life lived with blinders on. Integrity often comes down to taking responsibility for what we can do and having an awareness of our impact on others.
The fourth principle of resilience is Trust. Trust plays a critical role in withstanding adversity. Trust provides a positive expectation from the people, systems or organizations in which we interact with and includes integrity, dependability, responsibility and competency. Trust is built through experience and includes certain expectations like families will be faithful, the parachute will open, I will make it through etc. Trust also includes allowing others to meet our needs and accepting more than what is needed in order to build reserves.
The fifth principle of resilience is Relationship. Relationships are critical for cultivating resilience. With strong, healthy relationships individuals and groups can thrive despite profound challenges. I have three daughters that play on competitive soccer teams. The coach of my 15yo has worked for years on teaching them to play as a team. He has talked to them over and over about the importance of talking to each other while they are out on the field and of letting the team member with the ball know what it is that they see. The team member with the ball is focused on the task at hand and therefore may not see the larger picture of what is happening on the field. If nobody on the team tells her "man on" or "you've got time" he would often ask the team "Why don't you like her? Why aren't you helping her? Why are you expecting her to do this on her own?" Resilient people surround themselves with people who believe in them. They also surround themselves with people who are often more competent than they are and they give those individuals credit for their accomplishments. This allows for growth and creates an atmosphere where success is encouraged and supported.
The last principle of resilience is Meaning. People fare better when they know why they are doing what they are doing. The ability to take anything and pull purpose, meaning and growth from it is a critical skill in resilience. There is a saying in the big book from 12 steps that says "nothing is wasted". I love this concept. I love the idea that whatever I go through, whatever comes my way, whatever amount of time is spent on the journey through, it need not be wasted. If it adds to my life experience, if I learn a lesson from it, if I grow stronger as a result, if I am wiser moving forward, if I become softer and more compassionate then it holds valuable meaning for me. In this way, every challenge encountered holds untold potential and that is exciting!
Journey On!
My chosen profession is therapy. I am a therapist. I specialize in working with addictions...specifically with sex addiction. On a daily basis, I hear stories of pain, agony and loss. My job is to help individuals transform their pain, agony and loss into something meaningful. This is the essence of resiliency.
A couple of years ago I decided to become certified as a sex addiction therapist (CSAT). It took me a year to complete this certification and was one of the best decisions I have made in my career thus far. Becoming a CSAT changed me as a person and therefore as a therapist. I trained under Dr. Patrick Carnes, who is a pioneer in the field of sexual addiction recovery, as well as other remarkable professionals who I feel blessed to count as colleagues. There are so many things I learned in my year of certification. One that I want to focus on today are the principles of resilience.
Our society often teaches that when bad things happen it's best to grit your teeth and push through. Some might add just don't talk about it or don't think about it. It turns out, however, it doesn't work like that. And there is much more to recovery and resilience than just getting through. When something bad happens, people fall apart. Not just weak people, but strong people too. Our initial response is to despair. That despair can lead us into addictions or numbing behaviors as a means of escape. It can lead us to denial as a way to protect ourselves from seeing the pain of reality. (There's a reason it's called the "sweet voice of denial"). Or after our initial despair, we can pick ourselves up off the floor and start down the road of resiliency.
The first principle of resilience is Acceptance. Putting off dealing with adversity and sorrow actually delays healing and recovery. M. Scott Peck made an interesting statement, he said "mental health is the pursuit of reality at all costs." Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to acknowledge what is real. However, when we acknowledge reality, only then are we able to do something about it.
The second principle is Predictability. There is a large body of research stating that adverse stress is less likely when a challenging event is predictable. Life is hard....and that is predictable. We will always have stressors and challenges. One of the things that I learned from Dr. Carnes is that recovery or resilience is much like training for athletes. Olympic competitors or professional athletes know that to succeed, they will experience great stress. Therefore, what they do is train for it. They work every day to prepare for the stressful event, be it a game or tournament. Each day, they build their strength, push themselves to improve their skills and practice strategies for winning. Athletes also "cross train" so that the demands on one muscle set doesn't become too much. They also find regular patterns of rest. They take care of themselves. Training every day for the stressors or challenges that will come to us helps us cultivate resilience.
The third principle of resilience is Controllability. Nobody can control every aspect of a challenging event. However, we also know that having a sense of control generally leads to more positive results. This is where knowing and respecting what our limits are as well as knowing what choices we do have becomes important. The serenity prayer that is recited so often in recovery God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference helps us in our ability to adapt and be resilient. When we recognize what it is that we can change and act on a plan the result is a life of our own creating. Otherwise, our life would be based on the expectations of others or the result of a life lived with blinders on. Integrity often comes down to taking responsibility for what we can do and having an awareness of our impact on others.
The fourth principle of resilience is Trust. Trust plays a critical role in withstanding adversity. Trust provides a positive expectation from the people, systems or organizations in which we interact with and includes integrity, dependability, responsibility and competency. Trust is built through experience and includes certain expectations like families will be faithful, the parachute will open, I will make it through etc. Trust also includes allowing others to meet our needs and accepting more than what is needed in order to build reserves.
The fifth principle of resilience is Relationship. Relationships are critical for cultivating resilience. With strong, healthy relationships individuals and groups can thrive despite profound challenges. I have three daughters that play on competitive soccer teams. The coach of my 15yo has worked for years on teaching them to play as a team. He has talked to them over and over about the importance of talking to each other while they are out on the field and of letting the team member with the ball know what it is that they see. The team member with the ball is focused on the task at hand and therefore may not see the larger picture of what is happening on the field. If nobody on the team tells her "man on" or "you've got time" he would often ask the team "Why don't you like her? Why aren't you helping her? Why are you expecting her to do this on her own?" Resilient people surround themselves with people who believe in them. They also surround themselves with people who are often more competent than they are and they give those individuals credit for their accomplishments. This allows for growth and creates an atmosphere where success is encouraged and supported.
The last principle of resilience is Meaning. People fare better when they know why they are doing what they are doing. The ability to take anything and pull purpose, meaning and growth from it is a critical skill in resilience. There is a saying in the big book from 12 steps that says "nothing is wasted". I love this concept. I love the idea that whatever I go through, whatever comes my way, whatever amount of time is spent on the journey through, it need not be wasted. If it adds to my life experience, if I learn a lesson from it, if I grow stronger as a result, if I am wiser moving forward, if I become softer and more compassionate then it holds valuable meaning for me. In this way, every challenge encountered holds untold potential and that is exciting!
Journey On!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Two Kinds of People
Last year Daughter #2 was a freshman. She took some honors classes and had a difficult school schedule, along with playing on a competitive soccer team. There were many times she would stress about upcoming projects or tests, homework that needed to be completed and the nagging feeling that often accompanied her that she never had enough time to do all that was required of her. Her soccer coach, who was not only a great coach, but also a wonderful mentor, had a saying that he would often tell the team: there are two kinds of people....those who succeed and those who find reasons they can't.
This became something I picked up from her coach and would often repeat to her at times when she found herself overwhelmed. Many times it was frustrating for her when she would be complaining and telling me all the reasons things were not going to work out or how impossible the situation was and I would respond with "there are two kinds of people". Usually, I didn't even have to finish the rest of the statement because she knew what I was saying to her.
Of course, we also had many conversations where I told her that I wanted her to come talk to me about her feelings, her frustrations, her worries and her doubts. My telling her there are two kinds of people was not a way to shut down the conversation or to invalidate what she was feeling. Many of her feelings were valid and legitimate. However, at the end of our conversation, she had a choice to make. And often that choice had to do with which attitude she was going to choose.
I believe that our mind is a very powerful tool we have been given. As with most powerful tools, we are required to learn how to use it in a way that helps us rather than hurts us. Our mind, when used right can help us find solutions to problems. When we say phrases like "I can't" or "that won't work", or "that is impossible" we let our brain off the hook and it perceives the job is done. However, when we ask instead "how am I going to make this work?" the brain is tasked with finding a solution to the problem. Often we find that we are capable of doing far more than we thought possible. How many times have you said to yourself something like "I can't do this one more day" only to find that the truth is you can do it one more day. Sometimes you may look at all the tasks the upcoming week holds and think "I'm never going to make it through this week" again, to find that you do make it through.
I believe that it is our discomfort with discomfort that leads to saying I can't. When we become comfortable being uncomfortable we are then able to do things we didn't know we were capable of. It leads to a merging of action and awareness. For example, most of us when we first started to ride a bike started off wobbly, we felt it was risky and we had an awareness that we could fall and get hurt. As we continued to ride and got better at it, we stopped thinking about falling. We were no longer wobbly and it didn't feel very risky. We had an awareness of our ability to do the task at hand. And we were aware that we could do it well. When we are engaged in activities that require our effort, our focus and our skill we open ourselves up to the process of growth.
A couple of weeks ago I was in our kitchen talking with my husband about how busy my upcoming week was. Between my work schedule, work projects, family schedule, home projects I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. Daughter #2 seized the opportunity....smiled at me and said "two kinds of people!"
This became something I picked up from her coach and would often repeat to her at times when she found herself overwhelmed. Many times it was frustrating for her when she would be complaining and telling me all the reasons things were not going to work out or how impossible the situation was and I would respond with "there are two kinds of people". Usually, I didn't even have to finish the rest of the statement because she knew what I was saying to her.
Of course, we also had many conversations where I told her that I wanted her to come talk to me about her feelings, her frustrations, her worries and her doubts. My telling her there are two kinds of people was not a way to shut down the conversation or to invalidate what she was feeling. Many of her feelings were valid and legitimate. However, at the end of our conversation, she had a choice to make. And often that choice had to do with which attitude she was going to choose.
I believe that our mind is a very powerful tool we have been given. As with most powerful tools, we are required to learn how to use it in a way that helps us rather than hurts us. Our mind, when used right can help us find solutions to problems. When we say phrases like "I can't" or "that won't work", or "that is impossible" we let our brain off the hook and it perceives the job is done. However, when we ask instead "how am I going to make this work?" the brain is tasked with finding a solution to the problem. Often we find that we are capable of doing far more than we thought possible. How many times have you said to yourself something like "I can't do this one more day" only to find that the truth is you can do it one more day. Sometimes you may look at all the tasks the upcoming week holds and think "I'm never going to make it through this week" again, to find that you do make it through.
I believe that it is our discomfort with discomfort that leads to saying I can't. When we become comfortable being uncomfortable we are then able to do things we didn't know we were capable of. It leads to a merging of action and awareness. For example, most of us when we first started to ride a bike started off wobbly, we felt it was risky and we had an awareness that we could fall and get hurt. As we continued to ride and got better at it, we stopped thinking about falling. We were no longer wobbly and it didn't feel very risky. We had an awareness of our ability to do the task at hand. And we were aware that we could do it well. When we are engaged in activities that require our effort, our focus and our skill we open ourselves up to the process of growth.
A couple of weeks ago I was in our kitchen talking with my husband about how busy my upcoming week was. Between my work schedule, work projects, family schedule, home projects I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. Daughter #2 seized the opportunity....smiled at me and said "two kinds of people!"
Thursday, July 11, 2013
This Is How Memories Are Made
This past 4th of July weekend, my family was invited up to a cabin in Paris, Idaho nestled in the Bear Lake Valley with some of our neighbors. We left on Wednesday and came home on Sunday. Needless to say, I was looking forward to relaxing amidst a beautiful backdrop, spending time with family and friends, eating good food, maybe catch up on some reading and getting out of the heat wave we have been experiencing.
I enjoyed the whole experience. We rode the ATVs, went hiking, ice cave exploring, sang karaoke and stayed up way too late talking.
Daughter #3, who is almost 14 years old, has always had an adventurous spirit. I've often told her that she thinks her body is a science experiment. She has been given this wonderfully healthy body and she wants to see just exactly what it can do. If I've got two feet, lets see how fast they can move. I've got a healthy heart and a good set of lungs, lets see just what they can do. She's broken a few bones (5 in the first 4 years of life) and she has had a lot of fun. This holiday weekend was no exception. One day we had gone on a small hike to Bloomington Lake. Bloomington Lake sits at a high elevation (8200 feet) and is a glaciated lake. The scenery is beautiful. Usually, there is a rope suspended from a tree that you can swing out on over the lake and then let go and drop down into the ice cold water. Daughter #3 was so excited to do this. She kept asking me if I was going to do it too. I've done it before and I told her I thought this time I'd probably just sit on a nice big rock and enjoy watching her and the other people doing it. Her response: "But mom, this is how memories are made!" I heard that response in a variety of ways over the weekend. One afternoon we were going to an open spot on the property to shoot some guns at empty soda cans and water bottles. She's never done this before and thought this sounded pretty exciting. She said "Oh, wow! We are making memories doing this."
Since we've been home and our usual routine of work, soccer practice, soccer games, cleaning house and trying to stay ahead of the endless laundry that we accumulate has resumed, I've reflected back to her phrase this is how memories are made. I've noticed myself being more present as I go through each day and looking for the "memory" that each day holds. I've wondered how many "memories" I've missed being focused on what needs to be done, work problems or worrying about something I've messed up on. I can't claim I'm perfect at being present, nor that I do it all the time. But I have been practicing being present and I will say that I know I've gotten better at it.
So what does being present look like? First, I think we have to realize that there are three different stages of time we can focus on: past, present and future. When we focus on the past, that looks like wishing things could have been different, regretting that we didn't handle something better or wishing we could go back to a "better" time in our life, that we could have something back that is gone or being angry about things done to us. The problem with past thinking is that we are focused on something that cannot change. It keeps us from accepting reality in the present. Whatever it is, it is in the past. Past thinking can lead to depression.
Future thinking can look like worrying about an upcoming event, stressing about something we need to do later, worrying that things will go wrong or dreaming of great things to come. I'm not saying we shouldn't set goals or have dreams. But the truth is, we can't control the future. We can do things that have an impact on the future, but they may change the future in ways we were not anticipating. Or they may not change things at all. Sometimes dreaming about what we want the future to look like keeps us from doing something now. Future thinking tends to create anxiety for us and can lead to us missing life right now.
Being present focused is simply focusing on what is happening right now, in this moment....around us, inside of us... thoughts, feelings and actions.
It is inevitable that we will think about time in all three aspects. We cannot completely stop ourselves from thinking about the past or future. However, with practice we can focus more on the present, which is really the only time that counts because it's the only time we can really do something about.
Let me end this post with the benefits I've noticed from practicing being present. The first benefit I've noticed is increased enjoyment. Whether that's enjoying the sights, smells, tastes, sounds around me or enjoying being with myself or the people I'm with. Second, I've found it reduces stress. When I don't focus on mistakes of the past or worry about the future, that right there is a lot of stress reduction. I can take a deep breath and do something in the now. Third, I have better relationships. When you really commit yourself to being with someone...listening to them, recognizing feelings you have towards them...you can't help but be a better father, mother or friend. You have better conversations. You have stronger connections. The last benefit I have noticed is that I tend to get more things done. I don't procrastinate as much. About a year ago, I had noticed that I would often tell myself "I don't have enough time..." and this led to putting off a lot of tasks. Even mundane tasks. I made a commitment that if a task took 5 minutes to do I would not put it off to a later time. After practicing that for a while, I decided to see how many things I could do in one minute. I was amazed at the results! So many tasks in a day take a minute to do or 2 minutes to do and by putting them off they would pile up and I would get overwhelmed. By taking a minute or two minutes to do what needed to be done, whether that was to take the trash out, send a text, wipe off a counter, or pay a bill, I found that I was accomplishing much more in a day than I would otherwise.
As with any endeavor in life, there is no magical formula but rather consistent practice that makes a difference.
In the words of daughter #3.....Be present...this is how memories are made
!
I enjoyed the whole experience. We rode the ATVs, went hiking, ice cave exploring, sang karaoke and stayed up way too late talking.
Daughter #3, who is almost 14 years old, has always had an adventurous spirit. I've often told her that she thinks her body is a science experiment. She has been given this wonderfully healthy body and she wants to see just exactly what it can do. If I've got two feet, lets see how fast they can move. I've got a healthy heart and a good set of lungs, lets see just what they can do. She's broken a few bones (5 in the first 4 years of life) and she has had a lot of fun. This holiday weekend was no exception. One day we had gone on a small hike to Bloomington Lake. Bloomington Lake sits at a high elevation (8200 feet) and is a glaciated lake. The scenery is beautiful. Usually, there is a rope suspended from a tree that you can swing out on over the lake and then let go and drop down into the ice cold water. Daughter #3 was so excited to do this. She kept asking me if I was going to do it too. I've done it before and I told her I thought this time I'd probably just sit on a nice big rock and enjoy watching her and the other people doing it. Her response: "But mom, this is how memories are made!" I heard that response in a variety of ways over the weekend. One afternoon we were going to an open spot on the property to shoot some guns at empty soda cans and water bottles. She's never done this before and thought this sounded pretty exciting. She said "Oh, wow! We are making memories doing this."
Since we've been home and our usual routine of work, soccer practice, soccer games, cleaning house and trying to stay ahead of the endless laundry that we accumulate has resumed, I've reflected back to her phrase this is how memories are made. I've noticed myself being more present as I go through each day and looking for the "memory" that each day holds. I've wondered how many "memories" I've missed being focused on what needs to be done, work problems or worrying about something I've messed up on. I can't claim I'm perfect at being present, nor that I do it all the time. But I have been practicing being present and I will say that I know I've gotten better at it.
So what does being present look like? First, I think we have to realize that there are three different stages of time we can focus on: past, present and future. When we focus on the past, that looks like wishing things could have been different, regretting that we didn't handle something better or wishing we could go back to a "better" time in our life, that we could have something back that is gone or being angry about things done to us. The problem with past thinking is that we are focused on something that cannot change. It keeps us from accepting reality in the present. Whatever it is, it is in the past. Past thinking can lead to depression.
Future thinking can look like worrying about an upcoming event, stressing about something we need to do later, worrying that things will go wrong or dreaming of great things to come. I'm not saying we shouldn't set goals or have dreams. But the truth is, we can't control the future. We can do things that have an impact on the future, but they may change the future in ways we were not anticipating. Or they may not change things at all. Sometimes dreaming about what we want the future to look like keeps us from doing something now. Future thinking tends to create anxiety for us and can lead to us missing life right now.
Being present focused is simply focusing on what is happening right now, in this moment....around us, inside of us... thoughts, feelings and actions.
It is inevitable that we will think about time in all three aspects. We cannot completely stop ourselves from thinking about the past or future. However, with practice we can focus more on the present, which is really the only time that counts because it's the only time we can really do something about.
Let me end this post with the benefits I've noticed from practicing being present. The first benefit I've noticed is increased enjoyment. Whether that's enjoying the sights, smells, tastes, sounds around me or enjoying being with myself or the people I'm with. Second, I've found it reduces stress. When I don't focus on mistakes of the past or worry about the future, that right there is a lot of stress reduction. I can take a deep breath and do something in the now. Third, I have better relationships. When you really commit yourself to being with someone...listening to them, recognizing feelings you have towards them...you can't help but be a better father, mother or friend. You have better conversations. You have stronger connections. The last benefit I have noticed is that I tend to get more things done. I don't procrastinate as much. About a year ago, I had noticed that I would often tell myself "I don't have enough time..." and this led to putting off a lot of tasks. Even mundane tasks. I made a commitment that if a task took 5 minutes to do I would not put it off to a later time. After practicing that for a while, I decided to see how many things I could do in one minute. I was amazed at the results! So many tasks in a day take a minute to do or 2 minutes to do and by putting them off they would pile up and I would get overwhelmed. By taking a minute or two minutes to do what needed to be done, whether that was to take the trash out, send a text, wipe off a counter, or pay a bill, I found that I was accomplishing much more in a day than I would otherwise.
As with any endeavor in life, there is no magical formula but rather consistent practice that makes a difference.
In the words of daughter #3.....Be present...this is how memories are made
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Love Rescue Me
Several events in my life over the past month have got me reflecting. As I was driving to work today, I cued up the song Love Rescue Me by U2 on my phone to listen to. This song was and will always be an important song to me as it helped me at a transitional time in my life. I was living away at college and in many aspects I was shut down and walled off. Now, I realize that when you are 19/20 years old it is completely normal to not fully understand who you are and what that means. However, hiding behind walls tends to make it a bit more difficult to see that vision. "I'm here without a name, in the palace of my shame" hit me with such force because it was describing me. I completely connected with that phrase. I knew that I didn't want to live life hiding, but I didn't know how to do it another way. Life had gotten out in front of me and I didn't see a way for me to catch up or better yet get ahead of life. So, I took myself out of the race. This song, however, gave me an answer I had long been looking for and desperately needed. The answer: love.
As I've been thinking of this particular time in my life, I remembered some friends I made while I was away at college. One was on the college football team and the other was his roommate. I had a couple of classes with them and crossed paths with them often on campus. I recognized them when I saw them, but I never spoke to them or even acknowledged them. One day as we were sitting in Creative Writing, I sat directly in front of the one and kiddy-corner from the other, the one behind me decided it was time to introduce himself and his friend. Needless to say, I was not real open to their unusual way of making an introduction. A couple nights later, they showed up at my apartment. I was shocked to see them standing at the door when it was opened and said something like "what are you doing here?" It was beyond me that complete strangers would want to get to know me. Fortunately, my roommates had better social graces than I and invited them in. As I got to know them better over that year, they bravely asked me why I was so guarded. They had gotten to see past the hardened exterior and wanted to know why I had that exterior in the first place. At that point in my life, I think I was somewhat aware of it, but not fully and had definitely never had a conversation about it or been asked about it. They came to term it my "stern and business-like side" and would let me know when they saw it surfacing. Because of their kind yet blunt feedback, I got to know more about this side of me and realized it really wasn't who I was or how I wanted to be. I realized it came from a place of pain, fear, insecurity and self-doubt.
What I also began to learn is that underneath the pain, fear, insecurity and self-doubt was a very real layer of loneliness. I also began to catch a glimpse of what lay under the layer of loneliness and that was a very vast reservoir of love. As the lyrics state "Love rescue me, come forth and speak to me, raise me up and don't let me fall. No man is my enemy, my own hands imprison me, Love rescue me." My loneliness, my fear, my insecurities were getting in the way of and blocking my ability to both love and to receive love. They had imprisoned me. Once I realized this, I knew something had to change....so I began. I wasn't sure what I needed to do, or what the "finished product" would look like, but I began. I decided I didn't have to have a specific vision of what I needed it to look like. The last lyrics of the song "I've conquered my past, the future is here at last. I stand at the entrance to a new world I can see. The ruins to the right of me, will soon have lost sight of me. Love rescue me" became a guidepost for me. I headed in that direction. Away from the ruins I was currently standing in.
I haven't reached the end of my journey, nor do I believe I ever will. What I have learned is that our entire life is a journey. Most days, I enjoy the journey and have patience with myself as I continue to move in a forward direction. At times, I get sidetracked, "in the cold mirror of a glass, I see my reflection pass. See the dark shades of what I used to be." Sometimes, the fear, insecurity, pain and self-doubt come back and the walls I've worked hard to tear down go back up quickly. At times, I stop traveling and forget what I have already learned. This is when I have to remind myself to let love rescue me. I have an immense ability to love, as I believe we all do. Sometimes I have to get out of my own way so it can come forth. I have learned I am the best version of myself when I am living from a place of love. I am more creative, gentle, understanding, funny and forgiving. Love is powerful. The power of love is transforming. Love rescue me!
As I've been thinking of this particular time in my life, I remembered some friends I made while I was away at college. One was on the college football team and the other was his roommate. I had a couple of classes with them and crossed paths with them often on campus. I recognized them when I saw them, but I never spoke to them or even acknowledged them. One day as we were sitting in Creative Writing, I sat directly in front of the one and kiddy-corner from the other, the one behind me decided it was time to introduce himself and his friend. Needless to say, I was not real open to their unusual way of making an introduction. A couple nights later, they showed up at my apartment. I was shocked to see them standing at the door when it was opened and said something like "what are you doing here?" It was beyond me that complete strangers would want to get to know me. Fortunately, my roommates had better social graces than I and invited them in. As I got to know them better over that year, they bravely asked me why I was so guarded. They had gotten to see past the hardened exterior and wanted to know why I had that exterior in the first place. At that point in my life, I think I was somewhat aware of it, but not fully and had definitely never had a conversation about it or been asked about it. They came to term it my "stern and business-like side" and would let me know when they saw it surfacing. Because of their kind yet blunt feedback, I got to know more about this side of me and realized it really wasn't who I was or how I wanted to be. I realized it came from a place of pain, fear, insecurity and self-doubt.
What I also began to learn is that underneath the pain, fear, insecurity and self-doubt was a very real layer of loneliness. I also began to catch a glimpse of what lay under the layer of loneliness and that was a very vast reservoir of love. As the lyrics state "Love rescue me, come forth and speak to me, raise me up and don't let me fall. No man is my enemy, my own hands imprison me, Love rescue me." My loneliness, my fear, my insecurities were getting in the way of and blocking my ability to both love and to receive love. They had imprisoned me. Once I realized this, I knew something had to change....so I began. I wasn't sure what I needed to do, or what the "finished product" would look like, but I began. I decided I didn't have to have a specific vision of what I needed it to look like. The last lyrics of the song "I've conquered my past, the future is here at last. I stand at the entrance to a new world I can see. The ruins to the right of me, will soon have lost sight of me. Love rescue me" became a guidepost for me. I headed in that direction. Away from the ruins I was currently standing in.
I haven't reached the end of my journey, nor do I believe I ever will. What I have learned is that our entire life is a journey. Most days, I enjoy the journey and have patience with myself as I continue to move in a forward direction. At times, I get sidetracked, "in the cold mirror of a glass, I see my reflection pass. See the dark shades of what I used to be." Sometimes, the fear, insecurity, pain and self-doubt come back and the walls I've worked hard to tear down go back up quickly. At times, I stop traveling and forget what I have already learned. This is when I have to remind myself to let love rescue me. I have an immense ability to love, as I believe we all do. Sometimes I have to get out of my own way so it can come forth. I have learned I am the best version of myself when I am living from a place of love. I am more creative, gentle, understanding, funny and forgiving. Love is powerful. The power of love is transforming. Love rescue me!
Friday, June 14, 2013
It Is What It Is
This morning my husband and I dropped off daughter #1 at the airport to go to Taiwan for five weeks as part of an exchange program. She will be traveling with 15 other students from across the Wasatch Front here in Utah. As a parent, I'm excited for her. I'm nervous and I'm anxious.
A couple of months ago when we found out that she had been accepted and would be going, I had a wave of panic hit me. This is the kid that it seems only yesterday I was dropping off to preschool and convincing her she was brave enough to stay without me. This is the kid that just learned to write her name and was so proud of herself she wrote it 10 times in black sharpie on our family room floor....yes on a nice canvas of carpet.
As can often happen, I had a flood of what I call mother doubt wash over me. Have I done right by her? Have I taught her well? Is she prepared for this world? Did I do enough?Can I have a redo? When this happens to me it is easy to get caught up in anxiety about the future. Or to mull over the past and find all the times when I messed up or to feel a sense of sorrow or remorse for what I wish I would have done instead. Getting stuck in past or future thinking can be dangerous. I know this...I've learned from personal experience. This time, however, I remembered what I have learned from personal experience: It is what it is. When I let go of past regrets and let go of future worries, I am able to be in the present....which is the only time that really counts. As I got present with myself, I realized that before I know it, daughter #1 will graduate high school and head off to college....soon to be followed by daughter #2, then daughter #3 and not too far behind daughter #4. I was tempted at this realization to head straight back to future worrying. Instead, I asked myself this question.....When I look back on this time of my life, this time when all four girls are still living at home, what will I wish I would have done? The answer came rather quickly and easily. I would wish that I would have hugged and kissed my girls more. Nothing too big. I knew I could start that right now. And looking back, I think it will be big.
When my girls were babies and toddlers, I hugged and kissed them all the time. As they've gotten older (17, 15, 13 and 10 years old) I've noticed the hugs and kisses have decreased. How did that happen? I love them just as much. And I don't think their need to be hugged and kissed and loved has lessened. I know that growing up, my family was not very affectionate with each other. We loved each other, just not with physical affection. As adults, we are attempting to change that. We have made efforts to make improvements around this. I have to admit, it wasn't me that started the change, but I appreciate my siblings who did and am happy we are making the change. One of the things I am learning with age, is that in the end, it is really all about love. Learning to love and loving, that's what it comes down to for me. Since this is something that doesn't come "naturally" for me, it's something I really have to be mindful about and put effort into. I can't tell you how many times I have felt love for somebody close to me, even thought about sharing what I have felt and thought....and then quickly talked myself out of saying anything once I saw them.
So I started. I made a conscious effort to hug and kiss each one of my girls every day. I thought for sure they would say something...like..."what are you doing?" Guess what?....not one of them has said anything. However, I find that they reach for me more often. They come to me just as much as I go to them to give a hug and kiss before they head out the door. I can't slow down time. I can't have a redo. But I can start doing now what I will wish I had.
A couple of months ago when we found out that she had been accepted and would be going, I had a wave of panic hit me. This is the kid that it seems only yesterday I was dropping off to preschool and convincing her she was brave enough to stay without me. This is the kid that just learned to write her name and was so proud of herself she wrote it 10 times in black sharpie on our family room floor....yes on a nice canvas of carpet.
As can often happen, I had a flood of what I call mother doubt wash over me. Have I done right by her? Have I taught her well? Is she prepared for this world? Did I do enough?Can I have a redo? When this happens to me it is easy to get caught up in anxiety about the future. Or to mull over the past and find all the times when I messed up or to feel a sense of sorrow or remorse for what I wish I would have done instead. Getting stuck in past or future thinking can be dangerous. I know this...I've learned from personal experience. This time, however, I remembered what I have learned from personal experience: It is what it is. When I let go of past regrets and let go of future worries, I am able to be in the present....which is the only time that really counts. As I got present with myself, I realized that before I know it, daughter #1 will graduate high school and head off to college....soon to be followed by daughter #2, then daughter #3 and not too far behind daughter #4. I was tempted at this realization to head straight back to future worrying. Instead, I asked myself this question.....When I look back on this time of my life, this time when all four girls are still living at home, what will I wish I would have done? The answer came rather quickly and easily. I would wish that I would have hugged and kissed my girls more. Nothing too big. I knew I could start that right now. And looking back, I think it will be big.
When my girls were babies and toddlers, I hugged and kissed them all the time. As they've gotten older (17, 15, 13 and 10 years old) I've noticed the hugs and kisses have decreased. How did that happen? I love them just as much. And I don't think their need to be hugged and kissed and loved has lessened. I know that growing up, my family was not very affectionate with each other. We loved each other, just not with physical affection. As adults, we are attempting to change that. We have made efforts to make improvements around this. I have to admit, it wasn't me that started the change, but I appreciate my siblings who did and am happy we are making the change. One of the things I am learning with age, is that in the end, it is really all about love. Learning to love and loving, that's what it comes down to for me. Since this is something that doesn't come "naturally" for me, it's something I really have to be mindful about and put effort into. I can't tell you how many times I have felt love for somebody close to me, even thought about sharing what I have felt and thought....and then quickly talked myself out of saying anything once I saw them.
So I started. I made a conscious effort to hug and kiss each one of my girls every day. I thought for sure they would say something...like..."what are you doing?" Guess what?....not one of them has said anything. However, I find that they reach for me more often. They come to me just as much as I go to them to give a hug and kiss before they head out the door. I can't slow down time. I can't have a redo. But I can start doing now what I will wish I had.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Keep Your Inner Circle Sacred
After writing my post last week, it should have been no surprise that life gave me several opportunities to practice what I had just written about. I say it shouldn't have been a surprise and yet, I have to admit, it seems to always catch me a bit off guard. This week I have found myself in several situations where defaulting to contempt or resentment was pretty tempting and perhaps, would have been justified. As is also the case, I didn't handle things perfectly. Nobody will ever write movie scripts based on my handling of situations because frankly, it's just not that pretty. My victory, however, is that it also wasn't ugly. It just was. In the end, I did hold myself to my own personal truths and I feel good about that.
One of the experiences I had this past week made me realize howimportant it is, no how sacred it is, to have an inner circle of people in my life who have earned the right to be in my inner circle. I haven't always felt this way. There was a time in my life when the Simon & Garfunkel lyrics "I've built walls... a fortress deep and mighty... that none may penetrate. I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. It's laughter and it's loving I disdain" became a sort of mantra for me. And who hasn't found themselves belting out the lyrics to Whitesnake's ballad "And here I go again on my own...like a drifter I was born to walk alone..."? Well, as much as I love the idea of going it alone down a "lonely street of dreams", I've learned that the journey is meant to be made with company. We need support. We need friends who will let us try on new ways of being in the world. We need a hand to pull us up when we fall, or get pushed down.
If you're like me, there came a point when I understood I needed company on my journey, but I didn't know where to find these people. I had a lot of questions, like: How do I know if I can trust someone? How can I tell who's really got my back? How do I build trust with people? How can I know if they will ever betray me? Unfortunately there is no trust test. No scoring system that tells us it's safe to let another person in, to be vulnerable and to let ourselves be open. Instead it's a slow-building process that happens over time. Moving slow and being selective in bringing other people in to this layer of intimacy is important. Too quickly trusting someone or choosing to see only the good in another and minimizing the red flags that are also there is highly risky.
When I think of the characteristics of those who are in my inner circle I see a common thread. They keep my confidences, they share their confidences with me. They remember my birthday. They know who the important people in my life are. They make sure I'm included. They know what is really happening in my life and how I feel about it....not just what I post on FB. They allow me the space to be imperfect and to make mistakes. They will be honest with me and call me out if they think I'm not being true to myself. These are the people I know I can go to if I've dug myself into a hole I can't seem to get out of and they will respond with "let's do this". I also know that I can show the darker, unrefined parts of myself to them and they will go there with me without judging.
Rarely do phrases on bumper stickers or refrigerator magnets change our lives. Affirmations of self-worth often don't change how we feel about ourselves if all we are doing is quoting them over and over again. These things don't work mostly because we don't believe simplified statements of feelings. We instinctively know that emotions and relationships aren't simple. What I really want to know in my relationships are these questions: Can I be most myself in your presence? Can I be creative, funny, vulnerable, shy, outgoing, and smart? Can I be tough, forgiving, generous, spiritual, graceful, lazy, self-indulgent, unrefined? Do I feel equal, successful, attractive, encouraged, important and trusted?Can I be fully competent and not have you disappear? Do I feel challenged? Can I be accountable? Is it OK to make a mistake? (questions from Mending a Shattered Heart by Dr. Stefanie Carnes) Being in my inner circle doesn't require that you fix anything for me, but rather witness the strength and courage it takes to be a human being.
One thing I believe is important to clarify is that we often think we should have a whole slew of these people in our lives. That our inner circle should be bursting at the seams, after all that's what we see in commercials, movies and social media. The truth is if you have two...you are blessed. If you've got five....well now we are talking lottery! If you haven't found others who qualify for a spot in your inner circle....focus on becoming the kind of person who could be in another's inner circle and see what happens. Without darkness, light has no meaning. Likewise, friendship has little meaning when you haven't experienced loneliness.
One of the experiences I had this past week made me realize how
If you're like me, there came a point when I understood I needed company on my journey, but I didn't know where to find these people. I had a lot of questions, like: How do I know if I can trust someone? How can I tell who's really got my back? How do I build trust with people? How can I know if they will ever betray me? Unfortunately there is no trust test. No scoring system that tells us it's safe to let another person in, to be vulnerable and to let ourselves be open. Instead it's a slow-building process that happens over time. Moving slow and being selective in bringing other people in to this layer of intimacy is important. Too quickly trusting someone or choosing to see only the good in another and minimizing the red flags that are also there is highly risky.
When I think of the characteristics of those who are in my inner circle I see a common thread. They keep my confidences, they share their confidences with me. They remember my birthday. They know who the important people in my life are. They make sure I'm included. They know what is really happening in my life and how I feel about it....not just what I post on FB. They allow me the space to be imperfect and to make mistakes. They will be honest with me and call me out if they think I'm not being true to myself. These are the people I know I can go to if I've dug myself into a hole I can't seem to get out of and they will respond with "let's do this". I also know that I can show the darker, unrefined parts of myself to them and they will go there with me without judging.
Rarely do phrases on bumper stickers or refrigerator magnets change our lives. Affirmations of self-worth often don't change how we feel about ourselves if all we are doing is quoting them over and over again. These things don't work mostly because we don't believe simplified statements of feelings. We instinctively know that emotions and relationships aren't simple. What I really want to know in my relationships are these questions: Can I be most myself in your presence? Can I be creative, funny, vulnerable, shy, outgoing, and smart? Can I be tough, forgiving, generous, spiritual, graceful, lazy, self-indulgent, unrefined? Do I feel equal, successful, attractive, encouraged, important and trusted?Can I be fully competent and not have you disappear? Do I feel challenged? Can I be accountable? Is it OK to make a mistake? (questions from Mending a Shattered Heart by Dr. Stefanie Carnes) Being in my inner circle doesn't require that you fix anything for me, but rather witness the strength and courage it takes to be a human being.
One thing I believe is important to clarify is that we often think we should have a whole slew of these people in our lives. That our inner circle should be bursting at the seams, after all that's what we see in commercials, movies and social media. The truth is if you have two...you are blessed. If you've got five....well now we are talking lottery! If you haven't found others who qualify for a spot in your inner circle....focus on becoming the kind of person who could be in another's inner circle and see what happens. Without darkness, light has no meaning. Likewise, friendship has little meaning when you haven't experienced loneliness.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Relationship Rule #7: Default to forgiveness rather than resentment
Over the years, I have had the opportunity to have some wonderful, wise and compassionate teachers enter my life and teach me valuable lessons and shape my life for good. I have to say, however, that the most consistent teacher I have had is life itself. Life is a great teacher; not always the most gentle or kind teacher, but a great teacher nonetheless. Several years ago, I decided to start compiling a list of lessons that life has taught me or lessons life has taught others that they have shared with me, my own personal life rule book. I must confess, part of my motivation behind compiling the list was the idea that if I wrote it down and put it on paper, then life wouldn't have to keep teaching me some of the same lessons over and over. That didn't exactly work out the way I was hoping, but I do have some pretty insightful lists.
In the relationship category, rule #7 on my list is default to forgiveness rather than resentment. When I hold resentment towards another person, it is almost always linked to my idea of who I believe that person should be, or who I want them to be or who I need them to be. The resentment comes from my own resistance in accepting them as is. In practicing to default to forgiveness rather than resentment, I am allowing others their own story, their own process and allowing them space to be imperfect. When I fully accept another person, I do my best to see them with love and understanding without applying my own expectations.
I firmly believe that all behavior makes sense. If it doesn't make sense, we simply don't know enough of the story to understand the behavior. However, we often concoct stories or draw conclusions about other people's behaviors without fully understanding their story. You may believe, for example, that your neighbor is arrogant and unfriendly because she doesn't acknowledge you when you see her. If, however, you find out that your neighbor has been contemplating a divorce and recently lost her mother, you might think differently. Accepting others is all about allowing someone else the space to be who they are without putting our interpretations and judgments on top. The story we tell ourselves about other people's behavior may have little connection to reality; and yet we can become completely convinced of its accuracy.
So what does defaulting to forgiveness look like? First, we have to accept that forgiveness is rooted in our ability to let go of our treasured fantasies and accept reality as it is, and not as we wish it to be. When we truly accept reality, we loosen our grasp to the story in our heads and instead, embrace the facts without judgment. We may find that often our stories about other people are full of misinterpretations and exaggerations. I think it is taking a nonjudgmental stance whenever possible. It looks like mindfully avoiding the temptation to keep score. It's giving the benefit of the doubt. I think it is extraordinarily rare that anyone acts out of a desire to deliberately hurt another person. Most often when we hurt others, it's because we are acting out of our pain and are being mindless of the impact on others. It's the saying...hurt people hurt people.
Alan Downs, in his book The Velvet Rage, uses the phrase "contempt before investigation." This phrase struck me because it describes how I sometimes operate in the world. I assume that another person has an ill intent toward me when they may have no such thing in mind. When I default to ideas of contempt before investigating the true reasons for another's behavior, it usually doesnt work out well for me. Even if I am right and somebody is striking out against me, living life believing or being on guard that others are out to get me is no way to live. When I walk through the world expecting others to be perfect, I am only setting myself up for a miserable existence. When I choose to see life through the lens that says "we're all doing the best we can," I can allow others the space to be themselves and am usually given the same in return.
What lessons has life taught you?
In the relationship category, rule #7 on my list is default to forgiveness rather than resentment. When I hold resentment towards another person, it is almost always linked to my idea of who I believe that person should be, or who I want them to be or who I need them to be. The resentment comes from my own resistance in accepting them as is. In practicing to default to forgiveness rather than resentment, I am allowing others their own story, their own process and allowing them space to be imperfect. When I fully accept another person, I do my best to see them with love and understanding without applying my own expectations.
I firmly believe that all behavior makes sense. If it doesn't make sense, we simply don't know enough of the story to understand the behavior. However, we often concoct stories or draw conclusions about other people's behaviors without fully understanding their story. You may believe, for example, that your neighbor is arrogant and unfriendly because she doesn't acknowledge you when you see her. If, however, you find out that your neighbor has been contemplating a divorce and recently lost her mother, you might think differently. Accepting others is all about allowing someone else the space to be who they are without putting our interpretations and judgments on top. The story we tell ourselves about other people's behavior may have little connection to reality; and yet we can become completely convinced of its accuracy.
So what does defaulting to forgiveness look like? First, we have to accept that forgiveness is rooted in our ability to let go of our treasured fantasies and accept reality as it is, and not as we wish it to be. When we truly accept reality, we loosen our grasp to the story in our heads and instead, embrace the facts without judgment. We may find that often our stories about other people are full of misinterpretations and exaggerations. I think it is taking a nonjudgmental stance whenever possible. It looks like mindfully avoiding the temptation to keep score. It's giving the benefit of the doubt. I think it is extraordinarily rare that anyone acts out of a desire to deliberately hurt another person. Most often when we hurt others, it's because we are acting out of our pain and are being mindless of the impact on others. It's the saying...hurt people hurt people.
Alan Downs, in his book The Velvet Rage, uses the phrase "contempt before investigation." This phrase struck me because it describes how I sometimes operate in the world. I assume that another person has an ill intent toward me when they may have no such thing in mind. When I default to ideas of contempt before investigating the true reasons for another's behavior, it usually doesnt work out well for me. Even if I am right and somebody is striking out against me, living life believing or being on guard that others are out to get me is no way to live. When I walk through the world expecting others to be perfect, I am only setting myself up for a miserable existence. When I choose to see life through the lens that says "we're all doing the best we can," I can allow others the space to be themselves and am usually given the same in return.
What lessons has life taught you?
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
What is it that you do?
The other day I was talking to somebody about my job and I was getting the usual questions: do you like what you do? Is it hard? How do you not take it home with you? How do you set aside and forget all the sad and horrible things that you hear everyday? Well, the truth is I do like what I do. In fact, I love my job! Yes, it is hard and sometimes, I do take it home with me. These are hard questions for me to answer. It's hard for me to adequately capture what it is that I do, what I see clients do and just what it is about this whole process that I love and feel passion about, and do it in a brief conversation.
The other thing that I don't know if people really know about therapists....is that the good therapists have also been in therapy at various times and are open to continuing to go as needed in order to work through our own stuff. I believe that you can only help another walk as far as you've gone yourself.
Attempting to become your own successful, unique individual self is a lot of work! Discovering your core self can take years. Maintaining and being true to that core self can be a lifelong pursuit with many ups & downs. For me, there has always been a strong connection between knowing and developing my self and coming to peace with who I am. As I sit and try to sort through the messy times, awkward situations or difficult challenges, I have some very honest, realistic conversations with myself and with some close confidants, who as Brene Brown would say, have earned the right to be in those conversations. I think about trials, successes, influential people, the purpose of life, and I try to connect meaning and purpose to what is before me. Sorting and reflecting through these things is a very healing time for me.
I believe that one of the most
powerful words in the English language is “remember”. I also believe that remembering is one of the
hardest and most courageous things we can do.
This life is a vale of soul-making….in that sense nothing is truly
wasted. The poet Keats said: “and each
one of us must take the charge of our lives upon ourselves.” This is one of the most compassionate acts
you can do for yourself: to stand by the truth of your own life and live it as
fully and passionately as you are able.
One of the first steps to making life long changes is leaving the scripts from your
past behind you. As you do this, you walk through your fear of the unknown. So much hangs on that first step. If you've already started on this journey, then you may have reached the point of realizing that it is not enough to know, you have to begin.
Every day you have to begin. The
time for discussion and deliberation is over.
This is not the time to decide what you are going to do. You’ve already made that decision at a time
when your mind was quiet and your body and soul were connected. Now is the time to start walking, to stand by
the truth you’ve always known. To be the
person you were always meant to be.
It took me a long time to be
ready. In my case, the shell of my life
had to be softened, broken down even, before that moment of truth could
appear. The pain of loss, grief, and
despair is not essential for transformation.
I think it is possible to step into a new life in more graceful
ways. But for most of us, and certainly
for me, pain and loss had to prepare the way for a deeper life to emerge. A new life requires a death of some kind;
otherwise it is nothing new, just a shuffling of the same old deck. What dies is an outworn way of being in the
world. We learn to experience ourselves
differently. I’m not suggesting for one
moment that it is easy, the choice is always ours.
One of my favorite poems was introduced to me by a favorite teacher of mine, who maybe I'll blog about at a different time. It’s a poem that brought me through many
broken moments during my own transformation.
Invictus
William
Ernest Henley
Out of the
night that covers me,
Black as the
Pit from pole to pole,
I thank
whatever gods may be
For my
unconquerable soul.
In the fell
clutch of circumstance
I have not
winced nor cried aloud
Under the
bludgeoning of chance
My head is
bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but
the horror of the shade,
And yet the
menace of the years
Finds, and
shall find, me unafraid.
It matters
not how strait the gate,
How charged
with punishments the scroll;
I am the
master of my fate:
I am the
captain of my soul.
Finding your self is challenging.....it's supposed to be. The more you are honest with the process, the closer you get to the finished product. I count it a privilege to be a witness to the many people who have shared their journey with me.
I have seen strength and determination. I have seen vulnerability and
humility. I have seen courage and compassion and I have seen insight and
understanding. We have laughed at times
and cried at others, and we have kept walking along in our journey. In being true
to that small voice within, I believe we are being of service to the world in the most
profound way possible. We are being
willing to save the only life we can save.
We affirm our belonging to the human community and identify with the
struggles and joys of all. No one else
can ever walk our journey for us. We
alone can respond to our call.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Creating a Meaningful Life
If you haven't noticed lately, the world we live in is draining! We rush through our days with barely a moment of sanity. In a conversation I had with a colleague the other day, I found myself saying--"just send a text...it's so much quicker than email." As I walked away from this conversation I thought about what I'd said and thought "really? When did our world become so fast paced that email is now too slow?"
Even if you hate the pace of the world, you get caught up in it. You feel like you're not doing enough unless every moment is filled with activity. And not just one activity, we multitask! We read email while on the phone or in meetings. We make lists while sitting in class. We text and talk on the phone while driving (even though we know we shouldn't). We think of what we still need to do while talking to others. We wear our busyness like a badge of honor and good manners have gone out the window!
The effect of all of this is draining...body, soul and spirit. And when we are drained we are vulnerable! Vulnerable first to temptation. Isn't it somewhere in the mid-afternoon slump when you most easily turn to crud you normally don't eat? For me, it's when I'm fried at the end of a frantic day when I loose my patience with my kids and snap at my spouse. I find that when my soul is empty, I'm open to any kind of relief. And that is always the moment my "gremlins" step forward offering momentary comfort. I don't give way to despair when I'm having an awesome day, I fold when I'm at my ropes end. I don't drop my guard right after a wonderful time of worship and meditation; I drop my guard when I am just too tired to care. It is when I am drained that I get overwhelmed, worn down and turn on myself and others or simply retreat.
But I don't want to live with life ahead of me and me just running to catch up. I don't want to give my soul over to busyness. I don't want to fold under discouragement or any other lie I fall prey to. So how do we get out in front of our lives? How do we mindfully create a life of meaning? Here are some things I've been doing that I find make a difference.
1. Get some measure of silence and solitude every day. Even just 15 minutes makes a difference. For me, this requires stopping and paying attention.
2. Take in truth. We live in a world where things are not always as they seem. It is refreshing to my soul and my spirit to hear and recognize truth. Notice I didn't say this is easy. It isn't always easy, but it is replenishing.
3. Connecting with God/Higher Power. Pray, meditate, talk out loud....whatever works for you. Simply get connected with God asking to be filled with His love and strength throughout the day.
4. Decrease the constant stimulus of media. Whether that's driving without the radio or anything on, turning off email notifications, silencing the cell phone and not answering every text or call at the time it comes.
5. Look for God's love or His hand in my life everyday. I don't believe in coincidence or luck. I believe it's God's love. God made the world for the delight of us--His children. Take the time to see His goodness everywhere, His concern for us, His awareness of our needs. As we open and connect with the world around us, we are also able to connect to a larger life purpose...one in which we have a role. We may not understand that role, but we can begin to live it. We begin to trust that good things will come to us as part of our relationship with a Higher Power and with others who have earned that place in our lives, and that trust brings comfort.
6. Choose love. One of the most spiritual things we can do is embrace our humanity--our struggles and imperfections--and allow others to do the same.
7. Find something to smile about, laugh about or be grateful for everyday. As E.E. Cummings said: The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. There are plenty of things to be serious about, sad about, stressed about. We need to make sure to make room for smiling, laughing and gratitude.
8. Drink in beauty in some form everyday. Get open to the beauty in the world around you, the sounds, the sights, the smells....the beauty. When I do this, I'm not focused on the past or the future. I'm not focused on work. Anxiety begins to drop away. I see and touch and smell and hear creation. I might notice the light coming through the trees. I might notice the breeze on my skin. I might notice the sound of birds or the touch of human skin. I might notice the smell of fresh cut grass. I notice colors, the textures. Take them in! Allow them to penetrate to your soul.
9. Connect with people that are important. Say I love you, I'm sorry, I'm proud of you, you're important to me, I appreciate you. Whatever it is that you're feeling....embrace your truth and speak it! Share it!
10. Live in the now, the present, the moment. Sometimes we get hung up on nostalgia. We talk about the "good ole days". We think that yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was. I would advise, from my own personal experience, not to wait 10 years before admitting today is great!
Remember at the end of the day, it's all about love. Hang in there. Spread love!
Even if you hate the pace of the world, you get caught up in it. You feel like you're not doing enough unless every moment is filled with activity. And not just one activity, we multitask! We read email while on the phone or in meetings. We make lists while sitting in class. We text and talk on the phone while driving (even though we know we shouldn't). We think of what we still need to do while talking to others. We wear our busyness like a badge of honor and good manners have gone out the window!
The effect of all of this is draining...body, soul and spirit. And when we are drained we are vulnerable! Vulnerable first to temptation. Isn't it somewhere in the mid-afternoon slump when you most easily turn to crud you normally don't eat? For me, it's when I'm fried at the end of a frantic day when I loose my patience with my kids and snap at my spouse. I find that when my soul is empty, I'm open to any kind of relief. And that is always the moment my "gremlins" step forward offering momentary comfort. I don't give way to despair when I'm having an awesome day, I fold when I'm at my ropes end. I don't drop my guard right after a wonderful time of worship and meditation; I drop my guard when I am just too tired to care. It is when I am drained that I get overwhelmed, worn down and turn on myself and others or simply retreat.
But I don't want to live with life ahead of me and me just running to catch up. I don't want to give my soul over to busyness. I don't want to fold under discouragement or any other lie I fall prey to. So how do we get out in front of our lives? How do we mindfully create a life of meaning? Here are some things I've been doing that I find make a difference.
1. Get some measure of silence and solitude every day. Even just 15 minutes makes a difference. For me, this requires stopping and paying attention.
2. Take in truth. We live in a world where things are not always as they seem. It is refreshing to my soul and my spirit to hear and recognize truth. Notice I didn't say this is easy. It isn't always easy, but it is replenishing.
3. Connecting with God/Higher Power. Pray, meditate, talk out loud....whatever works for you. Simply get connected with God asking to be filled with His love and strength throughout the day.
4. Decrease the constant stimulus of media. Whether that's driving without the radio or anything on, turning off email notifications, silencing the cell phone and not answering every text or call at the time it comes.
5. Look for God's love or His hand in my life everyday. I don't believe in coincidence or luck. I believe it's God's love. God made the world for the delight of us--His children. Take the time to see His goodness everywhere, His concern for us, His awareness of our needs. As we open and connect with the world around us, we are also able to connect to a larger life purpose...one in which we have a role. We may not understand that role, but we can begin to live it. We begin to trust that good things will come to us as part of our relationship with a Higher Power and with others who have earned that place in our lives, and that trust brings comfort.
6. Choose love. One of the most spiritual things we can do is embrace our humanity--our struggles and imperfections--and allow others to do the same.
7. Find something to smile about, laugh about or be grateful for everyday. As E.E. Cummings said: The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. There are plenty of things to be serious about, sad about, stressed about. We need to make sure to make room for smiling, laughing and gratitude.
8. Drink in beauty in some form everyday. Get open to the beauty in the world around you, the sounds, the sights, the smells....the beauty. When I do this, I'm not focused on the past or the future. I'm not focused on work. Anxiety begins to drop away. I see and touch and smell and hear creation. I might notice the light coming through the trees. I might notice the breeze on my skin. I might notice the sound of birds or the touch of human skin. I might notice the smell of fresh cut grass. I notice colors, the textures. Take them in! Allow them to penetrate to your soul.
9. Connect with people that are important. Say I love you, I'm sorry, I'm proud of you, you're important to me, I appreciate you. Whatever it is that you're feeling....embrace your truth and speak it! Share it!
10. Live in the now, the present, the moment. Sometimes we get hung up on nostalgia. We talk about the "good ole days". We think that yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was. I would advise, from my own personal experience, not to wait 10 years before admitting today is great!
Remember at the end of the day, it's all about love. Hang in there. Spread love!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Top 10 reasons I love being a mom
Being a mom is, indeed, one of the most difficult and challenging jobs in the world. But it also teaches me more about who I am, what I believe in and what I value, which also makes it one of the most rewarding things in the world. Here's my top 10 favorite things about being a mom:
1. ENJOYING THE SUCCESSES: The best part of being a mom is getting to experience on a daily basis all of my kids "successes". Being a mom is the proudest thing I have ever done. To raise another human being to make a difference in this hurting world....nothing compares!
2. BRAVERY: It gives me courage to face and conquer my own fears so that I can allow my girls to see that no matter the difficulty, you can accomplish what you want.
3. SEEING THE WONDER: The best part of being a mother is that with children, every moment is an adventure. I love seeing the world through their eyes. Their eyes light up with each new discovery. From figuring our how to sound out words, mastering that multiplication problem, to just playing outside on the grass. Everything is done with a sense of awe.
4. DAILY INSPIRATION: I love that my kids are a purer, more innocent version of their dad and I. In a sense, they inspire me to go back to a "me" that wasn't as hard, distrustful, stressed-out or tired. They motivate me to be a better person in general, as I try each day to be a good mom.
5. SPECIAL MOMENTS: My kids can make any moment special. To see my daughters learn, explore, grow, smile, laugh and even cry can make any moment memorable.
6. PURE JOY!: I love being a mom because of the pure joy I get from being a special part of my daughter's lives. Watching them learn, grow, smile, giggle and grow into beautiful women....nothing can compare to knowing another individual from birth on.
7. A REMINDER TO STOP & SMELL THE ROSES: Now that I'm a mom, I take time to do the fun things in life. Notice the sunset, color Easter Eggs, bake Christmas cookies, listen to the sounds around me. Life has more substance now.
8. LEARNING IMPORTANT LESSONS: I love how my girls teach me to be the best version of myself that I can be. As a mom, I need to be more patient, kinder, gentler, sweeter, and more rational than I generally am able to be on my own. They bring out the best in me.
9. WATCHING THEM GROW: Seeing the confident, free-thinking, creative people they have become, helps me remember that the little stumbles in parenting mean very little in the long run.
10. ENDURING WELL: To be able to channel and sustain over time, to call from yourself renewed commitment and effort when confronted with challenge or hardship. Endurance often requires tolerating discomfort, and may call on you to reach for resources and stamina you are not certain you possess. When I see this in my daughters, it truly inspires me and I think...You Go Girl! I am so proud of them and of me!
So to all the moms out there and all the kids who inspire us....Happy Mothers Day!
1. ENJOYING THE SUCCESSES: The best part of being a mom is getting to experience on a daily basis all of my kids "successes". Being a mom is the proudest thing I have ever done. To raise another human being to make a difference in this hurting world....nothing compares!
2. BRAVERY: It gives me courage to face and conquer my own fears so that I can allow my girls to see that no matter the difficulty, you can accomplish what you want.
3. SEEING THE WONDER: The best part of being a mother is that with children, every moment is an adventure. I love seeing the world through their eyes. Their eyes light up with each new discovery. From figuring our how to sound out words, mastering that multiplication problem, to just playing outside on the grass. Everything is done with a sense of awe.
4. DAILY INSPIRATION: I love that my kids are a purer, more innocent version of their dad and I. In a sense, they inspire me to go back to a "me" that wasn't as hard, distrustful, stressed-out or tired. They motivate me to be a better person in general, as I try each day to be a good mom.
5. SPECIAL MOMENTS: My kids can make any moment special. To see my daughters learn, explore, grow, smile, laugh and even cry can make any moment memorable.
6. PURE JOY!: I love being a mom because of the pure joy I get from being a special part of my daughter's lives. Watching them learn, grow, smile, giggle and grow into beautiful women....nothing can compare to knowing another individual from birth on.
7. A REMINDER TO STOP & SMELL THE ROSES: Now that I'm a mom, I take time to do the fun things in life. Notice the sunset, color Easter Eggs, bake Christmas cookies, listen to the sounds around me. Life has more substance now.
8. LEARNING IMPORTANT LESSONS: I love how my girls teach me to be the best version of myself that I can be. As a mom, I need to be more patient, kinder, gentler, sweeter, and more rational than I generally am able to be on my own. They bring out the best in me.
9. WATCHING THEM GROW: Seeing the confident, free-thinking, creative people they have become, helps me remember that the little stumbles in parenting mean very little in the long run.
10. ENDURING WELL: To be able to channel and sustain over time, to call from yourself renewed commitment and effort when confronted with challenge or hardship. Endurance often requires tolerating discomfort, and may call on you to reach for resources and stamina you are not certain you possess. When I see this in my daughters, it truly inspires me and I think...You Go Girl! I am so proud of them and of me!
So to all the moms out there and all the kids who inspire us....Happy Mothers Day!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Peace is Heroic
When I was young, Tuesday was my favorite day of the week. You know how it is when you're a kid...you have to know your list of "favorites". Blue was my favorite color, although my sister whom I shared a bedroom with won out and our bedroom was decorated in yellow & orange. My favorite candy was red licorice nibs, my favorite food was cheese enchiladas from a restaurant in town, my favorite TV show was Laverne & Shirley and my favorite day of the week was Tuesday. However, as I learned at a young age, things don't always go our way....hence the yellow & orange bedroom rather than a blue one. But when things do go our way, it's a good day!
The definition of what makes a day good can vary. Maybe it's finding a front parking spot. Maybe it's winning tickets to a concert. Perhaps it's having a good hair day and a clear complexion. When things "go" our way, it feels good. We feel at peace with the universe. But what about the days when we can't find any good parking spot, our hair just isn't doing what we want it to and I drop my smoothie right after buying it only to have it splash all over the shirt I just ironed? What about those days? Virginia Woolf said "you cannot find peace by avoiding life." The truth is, peace is easy to project when life is naturally peaceful. Unfortunately, everybody has bad days. Sometimes we find ourselves in hostile territory. In life, we all hit times of turbulence and turmoil. For me, peace is most disrupted when somebody personally attacks me, invites me into an argument or says something hurtful. During turbulent times, peace becomes heroic.
Peace becomes heroic when there's turmoil around you and when there's turmoil within you. It would be easier to withdraw or run and hide. Sometimes it's easier to let ourselves turn into a mean and nasty version in order to protect and defend. Sometimes it's easier to betray our self in order to please our critic. These are the times when an opportunity to truly be heroic presents itself to us. So, how do we find peace during turbulent times? Here's a few tips on how to step into your personal power and restore peace when the debris is flying.
1. Let yourself fully feel the emotion. Don't rush pass this. Don't judge or analyze the emotion. Simply allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you're feeling. Don't get stuck in the emotion. Just feel it fully.....and let it pass.
2. Peace begins with a smile. I'm not talking about the kind of smile we paint on the outside when we are really hurting on the inside. Practicing self-compassion at this moment is key. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Attune to your true self, not the one being thrown about by the turbulence.
3. Start breathing. As you inhale and exhale, fill your breaths with affirmations. One of my frequent affirmations is "I love myself anyway". If this doesn't work for you, find one that does.
4. Choose love. This step will take you really close to your core self. This step will require some work on your part. This is the step where we shift our feelings and thoughts from fear or anger to love. Refer back to your favorite quotes, favorite scripture passages, your personal standards of truth. Remind yourself who you truly are.
5. Face the truth you fear. Own the part you've played in this story. Fix what you can. Surrender what you can't. Get right with yourself and with others, if possible.
The definition of what makes a day good can vary. Maybe it's finding a front parking spot. Maybe it's winning tickets to a concert. Perhaps it's having a good hair day and a clear complexion. When things "go" our way, it feels good. We feel at peace with the universe. But what about the days when we can't find any good parking spot, our hair just isn't doing what we want it to and I drop my smoothie right after buying it only to have it splash all over the shirt I just ironed? What about those days? Virginia Woolf said "you cannot find peace by avoiding life." The truth is, peace is easy to project when life is naturally peaceful. Unfortunately, everybody has bad days. Sometimes we find ourselves in hostile territory. In life, we all hit times of turbulence and turmoil. For me, peace is most disrupted when somebody personally attacks me, invites me into an argument or says something hurtful. During turbulent times, peace becomes heroic.
Peace becomes heroic when there's turmoil around you and when there's turmoil within you. It would be easier to withdraw or run and hide. Sometimes it's easier to let ourselves turn into a mean and nasty version in order to protect and defend. Sometimes it's easier to betray our self in order to please our critic. These are the times when an opportunity to truly be heroic presents itself to us. So, how do we find peace during turbulent times? Here's a few tips on how to step into your personal power and restore peace when the debris is flying.
1. Let yourself fully feel the emotion. Don't rush pass this. Don't judge or analyze the emotion. Simply allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you're feeling. Don't get stuck in the emotion. Just feel it fully.....and let it pass.
2. Peace begins with a smile. I'm not talking about the kind of smile we paint on the outside when we are really hurting on the inside. Practicing self-compassion at this moment is key. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Attune to your true self, not the one being thrown about by the turbulence.
3. Start breathing. As you inhale and exhale, fill your breaths with affirmations. One of my frequent affirmations is "I love myself anyway". If this doesn't work for you, find one that does.
4. Choose love. This step will take you really close to your core self. This step will require some work on your part. This is the step where we shift our feelings and thoughts from fear or anger to love. Refer back to your favorite quotes, favorite scripture passages, your personal standards of truth. Remind yourself who you truly are.
5. Face the truth you fear. Own the part you've played in this story. Fix what you can. Surrender what you can't. Get right with yourself and with others, if possible.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Authenticity and Mother Theresa
Henry David Thoreau said "we are constantly invited to be who we are". That's an interesting thing to think about. It certainly brings up the question "who am I and where is that invitation"? I think, however, Thoreau was absolutely right. The invitation comes every day, multiple times every day. And the answer to who we are is revealed in our response each time the invitation comes. When we can let go of what other people think, our fears & insecurities, our should haves and regrets, our need to be perfect or at least to look that way, and own our own story, we gain access to our authenticity. We are able to act in accordance with the best version of ourselves.
Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen. I was reading Seth Godin's blog talking about authenticity the other day. I really liked his thoughts on authenticity. He said "authenticity, for me, is doing what you promise, not "being who you are". That's because being is too amorphous and we are notoriously bad at judging that. Doing, on the other hand, is an act that can be seen by all. Mother Theresa was filled with self-doubt. But she was an authentic saint, because she always acted like one. You could spend your time wondering if what you say you are is really you. Or you could just act like that all the time. That's good enough and it saves you the angst!"
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