Love Rescue Me

Several events in my life over the past month have got me reflecting.  As I was driving to work today, I cued up the song Love Rescue Me by U2 on my phone to listen to.  This song was and will always be an important song to me as it helped me at a transitional time in my life.  I was living away at college and in many aspects I was shut down and walled off. Now, I realize that when you are 19/20 years old it is completely normal to not fully understand who you are and what that means.  However, hiding behind walls tends to make it a bit more difficult to see that vision.  "I'm here without a name, in the palace of my shame" hit me with such force because it was describing me.  I completely connected with that phrase.  I knew that I didn't want to live life hiding, but I didn't know how to do it another way.  Life had gotten out in front of me and I didn't see a way for me to catch up or better yet get ahead of life.  So, I took myself out of the race. This song, however, gave me an answer I had long been looking for and desperately needed. The answer: love.
As I've been thinking of this particular time in my life, I remembered some friends I made while I was away at college.  One was on the college football team and the other was his roommate.  I had a couple of classes with them and crossed paths with them often on campus.  I recognized them when I saw them, but I never spoke to them or even acknowledged them.  One day as we were sitting in Creative Writing, I sat directly in front of the one and kiddy-corner from the other, the one behind me decided it was time to introduce himself and his friend.  Needless to say, I was not real open to their unusual way of making an introduction.  A couple nights later, they showed up at my apartment.  I was shocked to see them standing at the door when it was opened and said something like "what are you doing here?"  It was beyond me that complete strangers would want to get to know me.  Fortunately, my roommates had better social graces than I and invited them in.  As I got to know them better over that year, they bravely asked me why I was so guarded.  They had gotten to see past the hardened exterior and wanted to know why I had that exterior in the first place.  At that point in my life, I think I was somewhat aware of it, but not fully and had definitely never had a conversation about it or been asked about it. They came to term it my "stern and business-like side" and would let me know when they saw it surfacing. Because of their kind yet blunt feedback, I got to know more about this side of me and realized it really wasn't who I was or how I wanted to be.  I realized it came from a place of pain, fear, insecurity and self-doubt. 
What I also began to learn is that underneath the pain, fear, insecurity and self-doubt was a very real layer of loneliness.  I also began to catch a glimpse of what lay under the layer of loneliness and that was a very vast reservoir of love.  As the lyrics state "Love rescue me, come forth and speak to me, raise me up and don't let me fall.  No man is my enemy, my own hands imprison me, Love rescue me."  My loneliness, my fear, my insecurities were getting in the way of and blocking my ability to both love and to receive love. They had imprisoned me.  Once I realized this, I knew something had to change....so I began.  I wasn't sure what I needed to do, or what the "finished product" would look like, but I began.  I decided I didn't have to have a specific vision of what I needed it to look like.  The last lyrics of the song "I've conquered my past, the future is here at last.  I stand at the entrance to a new world I can see.  The ruins to the right of me, will soon have lost sight of me.  Love rescue me" became a guidepost for me.  I headed in that direction.  Away from the ruins I was currently standing in.  
I haven't reached the end of my journey, nor do I believe I ever will.  What I have learned is that our entire life is a journey.  Most days, I enjoy the journey and have patience with myself as I continue to move in a forward direction.  At times, I get sidetracked,  "in the cold mirror of a glass, I see my reflection pass.  See the dark shades of what I used to be."  Sometimes, the fear, insecurity, pain and self-doubt come back and the walls I've worked hard to tear down go back up quickly.  At times, I stop traveling and forget what I have already learned.  This is when I have to remind myself to let love rescue me. I have an immense ability to love, as I believe we all do. Sometimes I have to get out of my own way so it can come forth. I have learned I am the best version of myself when I am living from a place of love. I am more creative, gentle, understanding, funny and forgiving.  Love is powerful. The power of love is transforming. Love rescue me!