Relationship Rule #7: Default to forgiveness rather than resentment

Over the years, I have had the opportunity to have some wonderful, wise and compassionate teachers enter my life and teach me valuable lessons and shape my life for good.  I have to say, however, that the most consistent teacher I have had is life itself. Life is a great teacher; not always the most gentle or kind teacher, but a great teacher nonetheless.   Several years ago, I decided to start compiling a list of lessons that life has taught me or lessons life has taught others that they have shared with me, my own personal life rule book.  I must confess, part of my motivation behind compiling the list was the idea that if I wrote it down and put it on paper, then life wouldn't have to keep teaching me some of the same lessons over and over.  That didn't exactly work out the way I was hoping, but I do have some pretty insightful lists. 
In the relationship category, rule #7 on my list is default to forgiveness rather than resentment.  When I hold resentment towards another person, it is almost always linked to my idea of who I believe that person should be, or who I want them to be or who I need them to be.  The resentment comes from my own resistance in accepting them as is.  In practicing to default to forgiveness rather than resentment, I am allowing others their own story, their own process and allowing them space to be imperfect. When I fully accept another person, I do my best to see them with love and understanding without applying my own expectations.
I firmly believe that all behavior makes sense. If it doesn't make sense, we simply don't know enough of the story to understand the behavior.  However, we often concoct stories or draw conclusions about other people's behaviors without fully understanding their story. You may believe, for example, that your neighbor is arrogant and  unfriendly because she doesn't acknowledge you when you see her.  If, however, you find out that your neighbor has been contemplating a divorce and recently lost her mother, you might think differently.  Accepting others is all about allowing someone else the space to be who they are without putting our interpretations and judgments on top.  The story we tell ourselves about other people's behavior may have little connection to reality; and yet we can become completely convinced of its accuracy. 
So what does defaulting to forgiveness look like?  First, we have to accept that forgiveness is  rooted in our ability to let go of our treasured fantasies and accept reality as it is, and not as we wish it to be.  When we truly accept reality, we loosen our grasp to the story in our heads and instead, embrace the facts without judgment.  We may find that often our stories about other people are full of misinterpretations and exaggerations. I think it is taking a nonjudgmental stance whenever possible.  It looks like mindfully avoiding the temptation to keep score.  It's giving the benefit of the doubt.  I think it is extraordinarily rare that anyone acts out of a desire to deliberately hurt another person.  Most often when we hurt others, it's because we are acting out of our pain and are being mindless of the impact on others. It's the saying...hurt people hurt people.
Alan Downs, in his book The Velvet Rage, uses the phrase "contempt before investigation."  This phrase struck me because it describes how I sometimes operate in the world.  I assume that another person has an ill intent toward me when they may have no such thing in mind.  When I default to ideas of contempt before investigating the true reasons for another's behavior, it usually doesnt work out well for me. Even if I am right and somebody is striking out against me, living life believing or being on guard that others are out to get me is no way to live. When I walk through the world expecting others to be perfect, I am only setting myself up for a miserable existence. When I choose to see life through the lens that says "we're all doing the best we can," I can allow others the space to be themselves and am usually given the same in return. 

What lessons has life taught you?

What is it that you do?

The other day I was talking to somebody about my job and I was getting the usual questions:  do you like what you do?  Is it hard?  How do you not take it home with you?  How do you set aside and forget all the sad and horrible things that you hear everyday?  Well, the truth is I do like what I do.  In fact, I love my job!  Yes, it is hard and sometimes, I do take it home with me. These are hard questions for me to answer.  It's hard for me to adequately capture what it is that I do, what I see clients do and just what it is about this whole process that I love and feel passion about, and do it in a brief conversation. 

The other thing that I don't know if people really know about therapists....is that the good therapists have also been in therapy at various times and are open to continuing to go as needed in order to work through our own stuff.  I believe that you can only help another walk as far as you've gone yourself.  

Attempting to become your own successful, unique individual self is a lot of work! Discovering your core self can take years.  Maintaining and being true to that core self can be a lifelong pursuit with many ups & downs. For me, there has always been a strong connection between knowing and developing my self and coming to peace with who I am. As I sit and try to sort through the messy times, awkward situations or difficult challenges, I have some very honest, realistic conversations with myself and with some close confidants, who as Brene Brown would say, have earned the right to be in those conversations. I think about trials, successes, influential people, the purpose of life, and I try to connect meaning and purpose to what is before me. Sorting and reflecting through these things is a very healing time for me.

 

I believe that one of the most powerful words in the English language is “remember”.  I also believe that remembering is one of the hardest and most courageous things we can do.  This life is a vale of soul-making….in that sense nothing is truly wasted.  The poet Keats said: “and each one of us must take the charge of our lives upon ourselves.”  This is one of the most compassionate acts you can do for yourself: to stand by the truth of your own life and live it as fully and passionately as you are able.  

One of the first steps to making life long changes is leaving the scripts from your past behind you.  As you do this, you walk through your fear of the unknown.  So much hangs on that first step.  If you've already started on this journey, then you may have reached the point of realizing that it is not enough to know, you have to begin.  Every day you have to begin.  The time for discussion and deliberation is over.  This is not the time to decide what you are going to do.  You’ve already made that decision at a time when your mind was quiet and your body and soul were connected.  Now is the time to start walking, to stand by the truth you’ve always known.  To be the person you were always meant to be. 

It took me a long time to be ready.  In my case, the shell of my life had to be softened, broken down even, before that moment of truth could appear.  The pain of loss, grief, and despair is not essential for transformation.  I think it is possible to step into a new life in more graceful ways.  But for most of us, and certainly for me, pain and loss had to prepare the way for a deeper life to emerge.  A new life requires a death of some kind; otherwise it is nothing new, just a shuffling of the same old deck.  What dies is an outworn way of being in the world.  We learn to experience ourselves differently.  I’m not suggesting for one moment that it is easy, the choice is always ours. 

One of my favorite poems was introduced to me by a favorite teacher of mine, who maybe I'll blog about at a different time. It’s a poem that brought me through many broken moments during my own transformation.

Invictus

William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

 

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud

Under the bludgeoning of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll;

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

 

Finding your self is challenging.....it's supposed to be. The more you are honest with the process, the closer you get to the finished product. I  count it a privilege to be a witness to the many people who have shared their journey with me.  I have seen strength and determination. I have seen vulnerability and humility.  I have seen courage and compassion and I have seen insight and understanding.  We have laughed at times and cried at others, and we have kept walking along in our journey.  In being true to that small voice within, I believe we are being of service to the world in the most profound way possible.  We are being willing to save the only life we can save.  We affirm our belonging to the human community and identify with the struggles and joys of all.  No one else can ever walk our journey for us.   We alone can respond to our call. 

Creating a Meaningful Life

If you haven't noticed lately, the world we live in is draining!  We rush through our days with barely a moment of sanity.  In a conversation I had with a colleague the other day, I found myself saying--"just send a text...it's so much quicker than email."  As I walked away from this conversation I thought about what I'd said and thought "really?  When did our world become so fast paced that email is now too slow?"
Even if you hate the pace of the world, you get caught up in it.  You feel like you're not doing enough unless every moment is filled with activity.  And not just one activity, we multitask!  We read email while on the phone or in meetings.  We make lists while sitting in class.  We text and talk on the phone while driving (even though we know we shouldn't).  We think of what we still need to do while talking to others.  We wear our busyness like a badge of honor and good manners have gone out the window!
The effect of all of this is draining...body, soul and spirit. And when we are drained we are vulnerable!  Vulnerable first to temptation.  Isn't it somewhere in the mid-afternoon slump when you most easily turn to crud you normally don't eat?  For me, it's when I'm fried at the end of a frantic day when I loose my patience with my kids and snap at my spouse.  I find that when my soul is empty, I'm open to any kind of relief.  And that is always the moment my "gremlins" step forward offering momentary comfort.  I don't give way to despair when I'm having an awesome day, I fold when I'm at my ropes end.  I don't drop my guard right after a wonderful time of worship and meditation; I drop my guard when I am just too tired to care.  It is when I am drained that I get overwhelmed, worn down and turn on myself and others or simply retreat. 
But I don't want to live with life ahead of me and me just running to catch up.  I don't want to give my soul over to busyness.  I don't want to fold under discouragement or any other lie I fall prey to.  So how do we get out in front of our lives?  How do we mindfully create a life of meaning?  Here are some things I've been doing that I find make a difference.
1.  Get some measure of silence and solitude every day.  Even just 15 minutes makes a difference.  For me, this requires stopping and paying attention. 
2.  Take in truth.  We live in a world where things are not always as they seem.  It is refreshing to my soul and my spirit to hear and recognize truth.  Notice I didn't say this is easy.  It isn't always easy, but it is replenishing.
3.  Connecting with God/Higher Power.  Pray, meditate, talk out loud....whatever works for you.  Simply get connected with God asking to be filled with His love and strength throughout the day.
4.   Decrease the constant stimulus of media.  Whether that's driving without the radio or anything on, turning off email notifications, silencing the cell phone and not answering every text or call at the time it comes. 
5.  Look for God's love or His hand in my life everyday.  I don't believe in coincidence or luck.  I believe it's God's love.  God made the world for the delight of us--His children.  Take the time to see His goodness everywhere, His concern for us, His awareness of our needs.  As we open and connect with the world around us, we are also able to connect to a larger life purpose...one in which we have a role.  We may not understand that role, but we can begin to live it.  We begin to trust that good things will come to us as part of our relationship with a Higher Power and with others who have earned that place in our lives, and that trust brings comfort. 
6. Choose love.  One of the most spiritual things we can do is embrace our humanity--our struggles and imperfections--and allow others to do the same. 
7.  Find something to smile about, laugh about or be grateful for everyday.  As E.E. Cummings said:  The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.  There are plenty of things to be serious about, sad about, stressed about.  We need to make sure to make room for smiling, laughing and gratitude.
8.  Drink in beauty in some form everyday.  Get open to the beauty in the world around you, the sounds, the sights, the smells....the beauty.  When I do this, I'm not focused on the past or the future.  I'm not focused on work.  Anxiety begins to drop away.  I see and touch and smell and hear creation.  I might notice the light coming through the trees.  I might notice the breeze on my skin.  I might notice the sound of birds or the touch of human skin.  I might notice the smell of fresh cut grass.  I notice colors, the textures.  Take them in!  Allow them to penetrate to your soul. 
9.  Connect with people that are important.  Say I love you, I'm sorry, I'm proud of you, you're important to me, I appreciate you.  Whatever it is that you're feeling....embrace your truth and speak it!  Share it!
10.  Live in the now, the present, the moment.  Sometimes we get hung up on nostalgia.  We talk about the "good ole days".  We think that yesterday was better than today.  I don't think it was.  I would advise, from my own personal experience, not to wait 10 years before admitting today is great! 

Remember at the end of the day, it's all about love.  Hang in there.  Spread love!

Top 10 reasons I love being a mom

Being a mom is, indeed, one of the most difficult and challenging jobs in the world.  But it also teaches me more about who I am, what I believe in and what I value, which also makes it one of the most rewarding things in the world.  Here's my top 10 favorite things about being a mom:

1.  ENJOYING THE SUCCESSES:  The best part of being a mom is getting to experience on a daily basis all of my kids "successes".  Being a mom is the proudest thing I have ever done.  To raise another human being to make a difference in this hurting world....nothing compares!

2.  BRAVERY:  It gives me courage to face and conquer my own fears so that I can allow my girls to see that no matter the difficulty, you can accomplish what you want. 

3.  SEEING THE WONDER:  The best part of being a mother is that with children, every moment is an adventure.  I love seeing the world through their eyes. Their eyes light up with each new discovery.  From figuring our how to sound out words, mastering that multiplication problem, to just playing outside on the grass.  Everything is done with a sense of awe.

4.  DAILY INSPIRATION:  I love that my kids are a purer, more innocent version of their dad and I.  In a sense, they inspire me to go back to a "me" that wasn't as hard, distrustful, stressed-out or tired.  They motivate me to be a better person in general, as I try each day to be a good mom. 

5.  SPECIAL MOMENTS:  My kids can make any moment special.  To see my daughters learn, explore, grow, smile, laugh and even cry can make any moment memorable. 

6.  PURE JOY!:  I love being a mom because of the pure joy I get from being a special part of my daughter's lives.  Watching them learn, grow, smile, giggle and grow into beautiful women....nothing can compare to knowing another individual from birth on. 

7.  A REMINDER TO STOP & SMELL THE ROSES:  Now that I'm a mom, I take time to do the fun things in life.  Notice the sunset, color Easter Eggs, bake Christmas cookies, listen to the sounds around me.  Life has more substance now. 

8.  LEARNING IMPORTANT LESSONS:  I love how my girls teach me to be the best version of myself that I can be.  As a mom, I need to be more patient, kinder, gentler, sweeter, and more rational than I generally am able to be on my own. They bring out the best in me. 

9.  WATCHING THEM GROW:  Seeing the confident, free-thinking, creative people they have become, helps me remember that the little stumbles in parenting mean very little in the long run. 

10.  ENDURING WELL:  To be able to channel and sustain over time, to call from yourself renewed commitment and effort when confronted with challenge or hardship.  Endurance often requires tolerating discomfort, and may call on you to reach for resources and stamina you are not certain you possess.  When I see this in my daughters, it truly inspires me and I think...You Go Girl!  I am so proud of them and of me!

So to all the moms out there and all the kids who inspire us....Happy Mothers Day!

Peace is Heroic

When I was young, Tuesday was my favorite day of the week.  You know how it is when you're a kid...you have to know your list of "favorites".  Blue was my favorite color, although my sister whom I shared a bedroom with won out and our bedroom was decorated in yellow & orange.  My favorite candy was red licorice nibs, my favorite food was cheese enchiladas from a restaurant in town, my favorite TV show was Laverne & Shirley and my favorite day of the week was Tuesday.  However, as I learned at a young age, things don't always go our way....hence the yellow & orange bedroom rather than a blue one.  But when things do go our way, it's a good day! 
The definition of what makes a day good can vary.  Maybe it's finding a front parking spot.  Maybe it's winning tickets to a concert. Perhaps it's having a good hair day and a clear complexion.  When things "go" our way, it feels good.  We feel at peace with the universe.  But what about the days when we can't find any good parking spot, our hair just isn't doing what we want it to and I drop my smoothie right after buying it only to have it splash all over the shirt I just ironed?  What about those days? Virginia Woolf said "you cannot find peace by avoiding life." The truth is, peace is easy to project when life is naturally peaceful. Unfortunately, everybody has bad days. Sometimes we find ourselves in hostile territory. In life, we all hit times of turbulence and turmoil.  For me, peace is most disrupted when somebody personally attacks me, invites me into an argument or says something hurtful.  During turbulent times, peace becomes heroic.
Peace becomes heroic when there's turmoil around you and when there's turmoil within you. It would be easier to withdraw or run and hide. Sometimes it's easier to let ourselves turn into a mean and nasty version in order to protect and defend. Sometimes it's easier to betray our self in order to please our critic. These are the times when an opportunity to truly be heroic presents itself to us. So, how do we find peace during turbulent times? Here's a few tips on how to step into your personal power and restore peace when the debris is flying.
1.  Let yourself fully feel the emotion. Don't rush pass this. Don't judge or analyze the emotion. Simply allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you're feeling. Don't get stuck in the emotion. Just feel it fully.....and let it pass.
2.  Peace begins with a smile. I'm not talking about the kind of smile we paint on the outside when we are really hurting on the inside. Practicing self-compassion at this moment is key. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Attune to your true self, not the one being thrown about by the turbulence.
3.  Start breathing. As you inhale and exhale, fill your breaths with affirmations. One of my frequent affirmations is "I love myself anyway". If this doesn't work for you, find one that does.
4.  Choose love. This step will take you really close to your core self. This step will require some work on your part. This is the step where we shift our feelings and thoughts from fear or anger to love. Refer back to your favorite quotes, favorite scripture passages, your personal standards of truth. Remind yourself who you truly are.
5.  Face the truth you fear. Own the part you've played in this story. Fix what you can. Surrender what you can't. Get right with yourself and with others, if possible.

Authenticity and Mother Theresa

           Henry David Thoreau said "we are constantly invited to be who we are".  That's an interesting thing to think about.  It certainly brings up the question "who am I and where is that invitation"?  I think, however, Thoreau was absolutely right.  The invitation comes every day, multiple times every day. And the answer to who we are is revealed in our response each time the invitation comes.  When we can let go of what other people think, our fears & insecurities, our should haves and regrets, our need to be perfect or at least to look that way, and own our own story, we gain access to our authenticity. We are able to act in accordance with the best version of ourselves. 

            Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day.  It’s about the choice to show up and be real.  The choice to be honest.  The choice to let our true selves be seen.  I was reading Seth Godin's blog talking about authenticity the other day.  I really liked his thoughts on authenticity.  He said "authenticity, for me, is doing what you promise, not "being who you are".  That's because being is too amorphous and we are notoriously bad at judging that. Doing, on the other hand, is an act that can be seen by all.  Mother Theresa was filled with self-doubt.  But she was an authentic saint, because she always acted like one. You could spend your time wondering if what you say you are is really you. Or you could just act like that all the time.  That's good enough and it saves you the angst!"