It Is What It Is

This morning my husband and I dropped off daughter #1 at the airport to go to Taiwan for five weeks as part of an exchange program.  She will be traveling with 15 other students from across the Wasatch Front here in Utah.  As a parent, I'm excited for her. I'm nervous and I'm anxious.
A couple of months ago when we found out that she had been accepted and would be going, I had a wave of panic hit me.  This is the kid that it seems only yesterday I was dropping off to preschool and convincing her she was brave enough to stay without me.  This is the kid that just learned to write her name and was so proud of herself she wrote it 10 times in black sharpie on our family room floor....yes on a nice canvas of carpet.
As can often happen, I had a flood of what I call mother doubt wash over me.  Have I done right by her?  Have I taught her well? Is she prepared for this world? Did I do enough?Can I have a redo?  When this happens to me it is easy to get caught up in anxiety about the future.  Or to mull over the past and find all the times when I messed up or to feel a sense of sorrow or remorse for what I wish I would have done instead.  Getting stuck in past or future thinking can be dangerous.  I know this...I've learned from personal experience.  This time, however, I remembered what I have learned from personal experience:  It is what it is.  When I let go of past regrets and let go of future worries, I am able to be in the present....which is the only time that really counts.  As I got present with myself, I realized that before I know it, daughter #1 will graduate high school and head off to college....soon to be followed by daughter #2, then daughter #3 and not too far behind daughter #4.  I was tempted at this realization to head straight back to future worrying.  Instead, I asked myself this question.....When I look back on this time of my life, this time when all four girls are still living at home, what will I wish I would have done?  The answer came rather quickly and easily.  I would wish that I would have hugged and kissed my girls more.  Nothing too big. I knew I could start that right now. And looking back, I think it will be big.
When my girls were babies and toddlers, I hugged and kissed them all the time.  As they've gotten older (17, 15, 13 and 10 years old) I've noticed the hugs and kisses have decreased.  How did that happen? I love them just as much.  And I don't think their need to be hugged and kissed and loved has lessened.  I know that growing up, my family was not very affectionate with each other.  We loved each other, just not with physical affection.  As adults, we are attempting to change that.  We have made efforts to make improvements around this.  I have to admit, it wasn't me that started the change, but I appreciate my siblings who did and am happy we are making the change. One of the things I am learning with age, is that in the end, it is really all about love.  Learning to love and loving, that's what it comes down to for me.  Since this is something that doesn't come "naturally" for me, it's something I really have to be mindful about and put effort into.  I can't tell you how many times I have felt love for somebody close to me, even thought about sharing what I have felt and thought....and then quickly talked myself out of saying anything once I saw them.
So I started.  I made a conscious effort to hug and kiss each one of my girls every day.  I thought for sure they would say something...like..."what are you doing?"  Guess what?....not one of them has said anything.  However, I find that they reach for me more often. They come to me just as much as I go to them to give a hug and kiss before they head out the door.  I can't slow down time. I can't have a redo. But I can start doing now what I will wish I had.

Keep Your Inner Circle Sacred

After writing my post last week, it should have been no surprise that life gave me several opportunities to practice what I had just written about. I say it shouldn't have been a surprise and yet, I have to admit, it seems to always catch me a bit off guard.  This week I have found myself in several situations where defaulting to contempt or resentment was pretty tempting and perhaps, would have been justified. As is also the case, I didn't handle things perfectly.  Nobody will ever write movie scripts based on my handling of situations because frankly, it's just not that pretty.  My victory, however, is that it also wasn't ugly. It just was.  In the end, I did hold myself to my own personal truths and I feel good about that. 
One of the experiences I had this past week made me realize how important it is, no how sacred it is, to have an inner circle of people in my life who have earned the right to be in my inner circle.  I haven't always felt this way.  There was a time in my life when the Simon & Garfunkel lyrics "I've built walls... a fortress deep and mighty... that none may penetrate.  I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.  It's laughter and it's loving I disdain" became a sort of mantra for me.  And who hasn't found themselves belting out the lyrics to Whitesnake's ballad "And here I go again on my own...like a drifter I was born to walk alone..."?  Well, as much as I love the idea of going it alone down a "lonely street of dreams", I've learned that the journey is meant to be made with company.  We need support.  We need friends who will let us try on new ways of being in the world. We need a hand to pull us up when we fall, or get pushed down.
If you're like me, there came a point when I understood I needed company on my journey, but I didn't know where to find these people.  I had a lot of questions, like: How do I know if I can trust someone?  How can I tell who's really got my back?  How do I build trust with people?  How can I know if they will ever betray me?  Unfortunately there is no trust test. No scoring system that tells us it's safe to let another person in, to be vulnerable and to let ourselves be open.  Instead it's a slow-building process that happens over time.  Moving slow and being selective in bringing other people in to this layer of intimacy is important.  Too quickly trusting someone or choosing to see only the good in another and minimizing the red flags that are also there is highly risky.
When I think of the characteristics of those who are in my inner circle I see a common thread.  They keep my confidences, they share their confidences with me. They remember my birthday. They know who the important people in my life are. They make sure I'm included. They know what is really happening in my life and how I feel about it....not just what I post on FB. They allow me the space to be imperfect and to make mistakes. They will be honest with me and call me out if they think I'm not being true to myself. These are the people I know I can go to if I've dug myself into a hole I can't seem to get out of and they will respond with "let's do this".  I also know that I can show the darker, unrefined parts of myself to them and they will go there with me without judging. 
Rarely do phrases on bumper stickers or refrigerator magnets change our lives.  Affirmations of self-worth often don't change how we feel about ourselves if all we are doing is quoting them over and over again.  These things don't work mostly because we don't believe simplified statements of feelings. We instinctively know that emotions and relationships aren't simple.  What I really want to know in my relationships are these questions: Can I be most myself in your presence? Can I be creative, funny, vulnerable, shy, outgoing, and smart?  Can I be tough, forgiving, generous, spiritual, graceful, lazy, self-indulgent, unrefined?  Do I feel equal, successful, attractive, encouraged, important and trusted?Can I be fully competent and not have you disappear? Do I feel challenged?  Can I be accountable?  Is it OK to make a mistake? (questions from Mending a Shattered Heart by Dr. Stefanie Carnes) Being in my inner circle doesn't require that you fix anything for me, but rather witness the strength and courage it takes to be a human being. 
One thing I believe is important to clarify is that we often think we should have a whole slew of these people in our lives.  That our inner circle should be bursting at the seams, after all that's what we see in commercials, movies and social media.  The truth is if you have two...you are blessed.  If you've got five....well now we are talking lottery! If you haven't found others who qualify for a spot in your inner circle....focus on becoming the kind of person who could be in another's inner circle and see what happens.  Without darkness, light has no meaning.  Likewise, friendship has little meaning when you haven't experienced loneliness.