The Problem with Self-Esteem

We've all heard about the importance of good self-esteem.  That everything that happens to us is a reflection of what we believe about ourselves.  That we cannot outperform our own level of self-esteem.  That we cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.  Self-esteem starts with a global evaluation of our self-worth....all the different parts of ourselves...and ends with a judgment.  We decide after considering all the parts of ourselves whether we are good and worthy or if we are bad and undeserving.  From this perspective, self-esteem is almost always set up to be comparative in nature.  How I esteem myself to be will correlate with how I perceive others to be.  If, perhaps I am doing better, then all is good.  However, if somebody else is really rocking their zone....then I must be bad. 
Another thing I've noticed about self-esteem is that you have to be "above average" in order to have it.  I mean, come on, when was the last time you felt flattered when somebody told you that you were "average"?  When I was in college, if had gotten a paper back with AVERAGE written across the top, I would have been devastated.  If I overheard somebody describe me as "ok" or "alright", I would not consider it a compliment.  This need to be above average creates all sorts of problems.  I'm not a math whiz, but lets just imagine the mathematical complications that exist if EVERYBODY has to be above average in order to have self-esteem.  Do we really think people will volunteer to be in the AVERAGE or BELOW AVERAGE categories?
Another problem with self-esteem is having too much self-esteem.  We used to think that it was impossible to have too much self-esteem.  Until we learned that you can actually have too much self-esteem and it's not a good thing.  Currently, we have higher levels of narcissism than ever before.  This has been directly linked back to the surge of self-esteem teaching that occurred in the school system.  We also are experiencing an epidemic of bullying, which stems from the need to be stronger, more powerful and better than others.  Prejudice, which has been around for far too long, is also linked to self-esteem.  Prejudice is a need to set ourselves apart and to set ourselves above others who we perceive as different than us. Another problem with self-esteem, as if there aren't already enough, is that it is contingent on success.  If all turns out well then we have self-esteem and if it doesn't then we don't.  The problem with this is that we all make mistakes.  This view of self-esteem doesn't allow for us to be human and imperfect. 
Self-esteem replaced by SELF-COMPASSION tends to avoid the pitfalls of self-esteem and has proven benefits for our human spirit. 
Self-compassion has to do with how we relate with ourselves and involves three components:
1.  Self-kindness: we all know how to be kind with others, but do we show that same kindness to ourselves?  Do we treat ourselves with gentleness, patience, compassion, mercy and charity?
2.  Common Humanity: rather than focusing on how I am better or worse than others, lets focus on how we are the same.  What do we have in common? how can we come together?  One of the most psychologically damaging emotions we experience as humans is isolation.  When we share with others and allow others to share with us there is a connection that is forged that lifts the human spirit and allows us to feel like we are part of something bigger. I am not alone. Whether good or bad happens to me, I am part of something bigger. 
3.  Mindfulness: this involves being attentive, aware of or careful with ourselves.  It is listening to and honoring our own emotions, our struggles and our difficulties.  I talk about this more in my post Honor Your Season. 

By practicing self-compassion, we keep our hearts open to ourselves.  When our hearts are open to ourselves it leads to our hearts being open to others. 

What has practicing self-compassion opened in your heart?