Keep Your Inner Circle Sacred

After writing my post last week, it should have been no surprise that life gave me several opportunities to practice what I had just written about. I say it shouldn't have been a surprise and yet, I have to admit, it seems to always catch me a bit off guard.  This week I have found myself in several situations where defaulting to contempt or resentment was pretty tempting and perhaps, would have been justified. As is also the case, I didn't handle things perfectly.  Nobody will ever write movie scripts based on my handling of situations because frankly, it's just not that pretty.  My victory, however, is that it also wasn't ugly. It just was.  In the end, I did hold myself to my own personal truths and I feel good about that. 
One of the experiences I had this past week made me realize how important it is, no how sacred it is, to have an inner circle of people in my life who have earned the right to be in my inner circle.  I haven't always felt this way.  There was a time in my life when the Simon & Garfunkel lyrics "I've built walls... a fortress deep and mighty... that none may penetrate.  I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.  It's laughter and it's loving I disdain" became a sort of mantra for me.  And who hasn't found themselves belting out the lyrics to Whitesnake's ballad "And here I go again on my own...like a drifter I was born to walk alone..."?  Well, as much as I love the idea of going it alone down a "lonely street of dreams", I've learned that the journey is meant to be made with company.  We need support.  We need friends who will let us try on new ways of being in the world. We need a hand to pull us up when we fall, or get pushed down.
If you're like me, there came a point when I understood I needed company on my journey, but I didn't know where to find these people.  I had a lot of questions, like: How do I know if I can trust someone?  How can I tell who's really got my back?  How do I build trust with people?  How can I know if they will ever betray me?  Unfortunately there is no trust test. No scoring system that tells us it's safe to let another person in, to be vulnerable and to let ourselves be open.  Instead it's a slow-building process that happens over time.  Moving slow and being selective in bringing other people in to this layer of intimacy is important.  Too quickly trusting someone or choosing to see only the good in another and minimizing the red flags that are also there is highly risky.
When I think of the characteristics of those who are in my inner circle I see a common thread.  They keep my confidences, they share their confidences with me. They remember my birthday. They know who the important people in my life are. They make sure I'm included. They know what is really happening in my life and how I feel about it....not just what I post on FB. They allow me the space to be imperfect and to make mistakes. They will be honest with me and call me out if they think I'm not being true to myself. These are the people I know I can go to if I've dug myself into a hole I can't seem to get out of and they will respond with "let's do this".  I also know that I can show the darker, unrefined parts of myself to them and they will go there with me without judging. 
Rarely do phrases on bumper stickers or refrigerator magnets change our lives.  Affirmations of self-worth often don't change how we feel about ourselves if all we are doing is quoting them over and over again.  These things don't work mostly because we don't believe simplified statements of feelings. We instinctively know that emotions and relationships aren't simple.  What I really want to know in my relationships are these questions: Can I be most myself in your presence? Can I be creative, funny, vulnerable, shy, outgoing, and smart?  Can I be tough, forgiving, generous, spiritual, graceful, lazy, self-indulgent, unrefined?  Do I feel equal, successful, attractive, encouraged, important and trusted?Can I be fully competent and not have you disappear? Do I feel challenged?  Can I be accountable?  Is it OK to make a mistake? (questions from Mending a Shattered Heart by Dr. Stefanie Carnes) Being in my inner circle doesn't require that you fix anything for me, but rather witness the strength and courage it takes to be a human being. 
One thing I believe is important to clarify is that we often think we should have a whole slew of these people in our lives.  That our inner circle should be bursting at the seams, after all that's what we see in commercials, movies and social media.  The truth is if you have two...you are blessed.  If you've got five....well now we are talking lottery! If you haven't found others who qualify for a spot in your inner circle....focus on becoming the kind of person who could be in another's inner circle and see what happens.  Without darkness, light has no meaning.  Likewise, friendship has little meaning when you haven't experienced loneliness.