We've all heard about the importance of good self-esteem. That everything that happens to us is a reflection of what we believe about ourselves. That we cannot outperform our own level of self-esteem. That we cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth. Self-esteem starts with a global evaluation of our self-worth....all the different parts of ourselves...and ends with a judgment. We decide after considering all the parts of ourselves whether we are good and worthy or if we are bad and undeserving. From this perspective, self-esteem is almost always set up to be comparative in nature. How I esteem myself to be will correlate with how I perceive others to be. If, perhaps I am doing better, then all is good. However, if somebody else is really rocking their zone....then I must be bad.
Another thing I've noticed about self-esteem is that you have to be "above average" in order to have it. I mean, come on, when was the last time you felt flattered when somebody told you that you were "average"? When I was in college, if had gotten a paper back with AVERAGE written across the top, I would have been devastated. If I overheard somebody describe me as "ok" or "alright", I would not consider it a compliment. This need to be above average creates all sorts of problems. I'm not a math whiz, but lets just imagine the mathematical complications that exist if EVERYBODY has to be above average in order to have self-esteem. Do we really think people will volunteer to be in the AVERAGE or BELOW AVERAGE categories?
Another problem with self-esteem is having too much self-esteem. We used to think that it was impossible to have too much self-esteem. Until we learned that you can actually have too much self-esteem and it's not a good thing. Currently, we have higher levels of narcissism than ever before. This has been directly linked back to the surge of self-esteem teaching that occurred in the school system. We also are experiencing an epidemic of bullying, which stems from the need to be stronger, more powerful and better than others. Prejudice, which has been around for far too long, is also linked to self-esteem. Prejudice is a need to set ourselves apart and to set ourselves above others who we perceive as different than us. Another problem with self-esteem, as if there aren't already enough, is that it is contingent on success. If all turns out well then we have self-esteem and if it doesn't then we don't. The problem with this is that we all make mistakes. This view of self-esteem doesn't allow for us to be human and imperfect.
Self-esteem replaced by SELF-COMPASSION tends to avoid the pitfalls of self-esteem and has proven benefits for our human spirit.
Self-compassion has to do with how we relate with ourselves and involves three components:
1. Self-kindness: we all know how to be kind with others, but do we show that same kindness to ourselves? Do we treat ourselves with gentleness, patience, compassion, mercy and charity?
2. Common Humanity: rather than focusing on how I am better or worse than others, lets focus on how we are the same. What do we have in common? how can we come together? One of the most psychologically damaging emotions we experience as humans is isolation. When we share with others and allow others to share with us there is a connection that is forged that lifts the human spirit and allows us to feel like we are part of something bigger. I am not alone. Whether good or bad happens to me, I am part of something bigger.
3. Mindfulness: this involves being attentive, aware of or careful with ourselves. It is listening to and honoring our own emotions, our struggles and our difficulties. I talk about this more in my post Honor Your Season.
By practicing self-compassion, we keep our hearts open to ourselves. When our hearts are open to ourselves it leads to our hearts being open to others.
What has practicing self-compassion opened in your heart?
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Boston
I've watched this week, with many of my fellow Americans, as the events surrounding the bombing at the Boston Marathon have unfolded. I was shocked when I first heard about it. How could something like this happen? And at a marathon, where so many inspiring stories are taking place? I've also watched the news reports as the investigation has progressed, more trauma unfolded before our eyes as the suspects were pursued.
I've also watched and seen reported many acts of heroism and bravery. Truly inspirational acts. Bostonians opening their hearts & offering their homes to those affected by the tragedy. The Bruins fans joining in the singing of our National Anthem at the first hockey game following the tragedy. And as always, the first responders who are at their best when things are at their worst. Mister Rogers was spot on when he said "when I was a young boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'". I've pointed this same thing out to my own children.
It's also been interesting for me as a therapist to watch this and especially to watch our reaction to this. To watch how we, as adults, respond to traumatic events. I've heard phrases like "we are stronger than this" or "America is bigger than anything anybody can do to us". It concerns me as a therapist that we move so quickly to the moving forward and rising above speech and we don't spend enough time talking about the trauma that has brought us to our knees. Oh, I know we spend a lot of time covering it from a news standpoint. But I wonder what would happen if in our homes, in our communities and as a people we talked about how it really felt. The whole continuum of emotions. I felt shocked. I felt sad. I felt scared. I felt powerless. I felt small. I felt vulnerable, as I always do, when I see cruelty collide with humanity. I believe it's important to talk about these things...and then talk about it some more...and then some more.
I've talked with people who I know would disagree with what I am saying. People who don't "do" vulnerability. People who don't believe it's important to identify and express our emotions. What I know is that the fear of vulnerability can unleash cruelty, criticism and cynicism in all of us. This fear unexpressed leads to blaming, gossiping, favoritism, name-calling and harassment. Stuffing our emotions can only happen for so long before we will disengage in order to protect ourselves. Disengagement can look like or lead to all sorts of behaviors including: lying, stealing, cheating, bullying, objectifying or just being mean and indifferent.
Today at work I was talking with a colleague about the weeks events and he was telling me how he was listening to a news report on the way to work and the reporter,in summing up the events, stopped just short of calling it traumatic saying "I won't call it traumatic, it's dramatic". If we can't even call it what it truly is....TRAUMA, then how effective can we really be in moving forward? Drama happens on school playgrounds (and can be traumatic as well). But this? This is traumatic. We aren't invincible. We cant just steel ourselves against difficulty. We feel and are impacted by trauma every time we see or experience it. Simply saying something about our strength doesn't work to lessen the vulnerability that we feel at that moment. We have witnessed and experienced a multitude of traumatic events in our country. I fear the cruelty that will continue if we harden ourselves and simply move forward. Because what I know is that the world doesn't need more people who are hardened.
I've also watched and seen reported many acts of heroism and bravery. Truly inspirational acts. Bostonians opening their hearts & offering their homes to those affected by the tragedy. The Bruins fans joining in the singing of our National Anthem at the first hockey game following the tragedy. And as always, the first responders who are at their best when things are at their worst. Mister Rogers was spot on when he said "when I was a young boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'". I've pointed this same thing out to my own children.
It's also been interesting for me as a therapist to watch this and especially to watch our reaction to this. To watch how we, as adults, respond to traumatic events. I've heard phrases like "we are stronger than this" or "America is bigger than anything anybody can do to us". It concerns me as a therapist that we move so quickly to the moving forward and rising above speech and we don't spend enough time talking about the trauma that has brought us to our knees. Oh, I know we spend a lot of time covering it from a news standpoint. But I wonder what would happen if in our homes, in our communities and as a people we talked about how it really felt. The whole continuum of emotions. I felt shocked. I felt sad. I felt scared. I felt powerless. I felt small. I felt vulnerable, as I always do, when I see cruelty collide with humanity. I believe it's important to talk about these things...and then talk about it some more...and then some more.
I've talked with people who I know would disagree with what I am saying. People who don't "do" vulnerability. People who don't believe it's important to identify and express our emotions. What I know is that the fear of vulnerability can unleash cruelty, criticism and cynicism in all of us. This fear unexpressed leads to blaming, gossiping, favoritism, name-calling and harassment. Stuffing our emotions can only happen for so long before we will disengage in order to protect ourselves. Disengagement can look like or lead to all sorts of behaviors including: lying, stealing, cheating, bullying, objectifying or just being mean and indifferent.
Today at work I was talking with a colleague about the weeks events and he was telling me how he was listening to a news report on the way to work and the reporter,in summing up the events, stopped just short of calling it traumatic saying "I won't call it traumatic, it's dramatic". If we can't even call it what it truly is....TRAUMA, then how effective can we really be in moving forward? Drama happens on school playgrounds (and can be traumatic as well). But this? This is traumatic. We aren't invincible. We cant just steel ourselves against difficulty. We feel and are impacted by trauma every time we see or experience it. Simply saying something about our strength doesn't work to lessen the vulnerability that we feel at that moment. We have witnessed and experienced a multitude of traumatic events in our country. I fear the cruelty that will continue if we harden ourselves and simply move forward. Because what I know is that the world doesn't need more people who are hardened.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Honor Your Season
About a month ago, I had a guest speaker come talk to one of the groups I run. She is an acupuncturist....a five element acupuncturist to be exact. 5 element is a style that works at the levels of both body, mind, heart and spirit.
I loved what she taught us. It was fascinating to me and I've thought about it many times since listening to her speak. The other day as I was walking & talking to a friend on a beautiful Spring morning, I was telling her about what I had learned. She told me "you have to blog about this!". So, here it goes. Now mind you, I am no expert in the field of acupuncture, nor am I pretending to be. This is simply what I learned and absorbed while listening to the expert:
The 5 elements make up who we are and how we are in the world. They create the seasons and the 12 main meridians of energy inside us. The Chinese recognize 5 different seasons.
I'm going to start with Spring. Wood is the element of Spring and is associated with the emotion of anger. Now when most people think of Spring, they think of the beauty associated with Spring. Of all the blossoms and the beauty of the world waking up and coming to life. However, in order to get to the blossoming of Spring there is a process that must first happen. Often times we forget about the struggle that takes place prior to blossoming. Imagine a bulb, down beneath the frozen ground. Before it can do what it was created to do, it will hit up against the frozen ground, which may be the first barrier, it might hit up against another root system, which would be another barrier. As it goes through the struggle it will eventually find its way around the barriers encountered and fulfill its destiny.
The next season is Summer. Fire is the element of Summer and is associated with the emotion of Joy. Picture the Summer campfires with people sitting around socializing, telling stories, roasting marshmallows and singing. Think of the barbecues we have with friends and family during the Summer. Summer is a time when we want to get out and make connections. The struggle we face in this season is the fear that we've connected too much, shared too much or been too vulnerable with others.
The next season is Late Summer. Earth is the element associated with this season and sympathy is the emotion. This is the time when we are harvesting. We are gathering the fruits of our labor. Food and understanding are important in this season. Can you recall being the recipient or the giver of an abundant harvest? The struggle associated with this season is a sense of emptiness or neediness in our own life. Wondering if what we have is adequate, is it enough? Are we enough?
The next season is Autumn. Metal is the element and Grief is the emotion associated with this season. This is a sacred season. During this time, there is a search for that which is pure and spiritual. Sometimes we grieve over what could have been... did I say what I felt? Do they know how I feel? Did I do enough? Autumn is also a time of trust and faith in which we let go. In letting go, we open ourselves for what is to come. It's transforming.
The next season is Winter. Water is the element of Winter and is associated with the emotion Fear. A lot of people don't like Winter. They may even try to escape by going someplace warm and tropical during the Winter months. I've been known to plan a few get aways myself. This isn't wrong, but we also need to understand the purpose of Winter. Think of plants, trees, shrubs....during the Winter, their roots have to go down deep in order to find the nourishment they need. Getting our roots deep and knowing who we are gives us a level of persistence and determination to excel in situations which would otherwise be scary or intimidating. Wow! There's such a power that comes with the stillness of Winter and sending our roots deep.
As a therapist, I see so many ways to apply these concepts to the ongoing work of my clients as well as my own personal work. However, since this has already been a very long post (thank you for sticking with it) I'm going to choose 2 points and save the rest for another post. First, I think it's important to listen to our spirits and to honor the season they are living in. I think it's important to recognize that the season our Spirit is in may not always coincide with the season we find ourselves living in on the planet. Respect and honor where you are and what you need as much as we honor where the planet is. Nobody plants a garden in Autumn and expects to harvest in Winter. Second, trust the process. Where I live, we just had one of the hardest Winters we've experienced for several years. A lot of snowfall, even a freezing rainstorm...which we don't get. It's been like 30 years since the last one. However, as the snow continued to fall and the rain froze, nobody was worried that Spring wouldn't come. We didn't fret that maybe, just maybe things wouldn't thaw out and allow us to barbecue in the Summer. Trust the process. Recognize when you're in a Winter season and trust that Spring will follow. You will move beyond and blossom once again.
I loved what she taught us. It was fascinating to me and I've thought about it many times since listening to her speak. The other day as I was walking & talking to a friend on a beautiful Spring morning, I was telling her about what I had learned. She told me "you have to blog about this!". So, here it goes. Now mind you, I am no expert in the field of acupuncture, nor am I pretending to be. This is simply what I learned and absorbed while listening to the expert:
The 5 elements make up who we are and how we are in the world. They create the seasons and the 12 main meridians of energy inside us. The Chinese recognize 5 different seasons.
I'm going to start with Spring. Wood is the element of Spring and is associated with the emotion of anger. Now when most people think of Spring, they think of the beauty associated with Spring. Of all the blossoms and the beauty of the world waking up and coming to life. However, in order to get to the blossoming of Spring there is a process that must first happen. Often times we forget about the struggle that takes place prior to blossoming. Imagine a bulb, down beneath the frozen ground. Before it can do what it was created to do, it will hit up against the frozen ground, which may be the first barrier, it might hit up against another root system, which would be another barrier. As it goes through the struggle it will eventually find its way around the barriers encountered and fulfill its destiny.
The next season is Summer. Fire is the element of Summer and is associated with the emotion of Joy. Picture the Summer campfires with people sitting around socializing, telling stories, roasting marshmallows and singing. Think of the barbecues we have with friends and family during the Summer. Summer is a time when we want to get out and make connections. The struggle we face in this season is the fear that we've connected too much, shared too much or been too vulnerable with others.
The next season is Late Summer. Earth is the element associated with this season and sympathy is the emotion. This is the time when we are harvesting. We are gathering the fruits of our labor. Food and understanding are important in this season. Can you recall being the recipient or the giver of an abundant harvest? The struggle associated with this season is a sense of emptiness or neediness in our own life. Wondering if what we have is adequate, is it enough? Are we enough?
The next season is Autumn. Metal is the element and Grief is the emotion associated with this season. This is a sacred season. During this time, there is a search for that which is pure and spiritual. Sometimes we grieve over what could have been... did I say what I felt? Do they know how I feel? Did I do enough? Autumn is also a time of trust and faith in which we let go. In letting go, we open ourselves for what is to come. It's transforming.
The next season is Winter. Water is the element of Winter and is associated with the emotion Fear. A lot of people don't like Winter. They may even try to escape by going someplace warm and tropical during the Winter months. I've been known to plan a few get aways myself. This isn't wrong, but we also need to understand the purpose of Winter. Think of plants, trees, shrubs....during the Winter, their roots have to go down deep in order to find the nourishment they need. Getting our roots deep and knowing who we are gives us a level of persistence and determination to excel in situations which would otherwise be scary or intimidating. Wow! There's such a power that comes with the stillness of Winter and sending our roots deep.
As a therapist, I see so many ways to apply these concepts to the ongoing work of my clients as well as my own personal work. However, since this has already been a very long post (thank you for sticking with it) I'm going to choose 2 points and save the rest for another post. First, I think it's important to listen to our spirits and to honor the season they are living in. I think it's important to recognize that the season our Spirit is in may not always coincide with the season we find ourselves living in on the planet. Respect and honor where you are and what you need as much as we honor where the planet is. Nobody plants a garden in Autumn and expects to harvest in Winter. Second, trust the process. Where I live, we just had one of the hardest Winters we've experienced for several years. A lot of snowfall, even a freezing rainstorm...which we don't get. It's been like 30 years since the last one. However, as the snow continued to fall and the rain froze, nobody was worried that Spring wouldn't come. We didn't fret that maybe, just maybe things wouldn't thaw out and allow us to barbecue in the Summer. Trust the process. Recognize when you're in a Winter season and trust that Spring will follow. You will move beyond and blossom once again.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Guest Post
I was asked to write a guest post for a good friend. While being fairly new to the blog world, I still thought....sure I got this! After struggling with what to write, I have to say I have a whole new level of respect for what is happening over at Canffirmations! This blog is all about affirmations....everyday a new affirmation. And after struggling to write just one I have to say....that's pretty impressive! Check out my guest post and check out the blog!
My Ability to Love
Is Greater than any Wound
I will Experience
Life is
challenging…I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s supposed to be. I believe that every person struggles and
nobody is exempt from difficulties. I
believe that people do their best with the skills they have and that the world
breaks everyone.
There was a time in my life when the idea of getting married and bringing
children into this world created a lot of anxiety. I didn’t feel capable of bringing a child
into a world I knew could be so harsh and cruel and helping them navigate
through it. Fortunately for me, my
husband isn’t the kind who gives up easily and loved me until I felt safe
enough to love him back. Three years
after we were married, our first of four daughters was born. Suddenly, the world seemed a different place;
what was once harsh and cruel now seemed to hold such beauty and hope. I had no idea that this level of love lived
inside me. I loved seeing the world
through my daughter’s eyes as they made each new discovery; the feel of grass
on bare feet for the first time, figuring out how to sound out words or
mastering that multiplication problem.
My daughter’s ages now span from 17 years to 10 years old. They’re old enough to have experienced heart
break. To learn for themselves that life
can be cruel. One of the lessons I hope
they are also learning is best summed up by P!nk: “we’re not broken, just bent and we can learn
to love again.”
I still get lost at times. Unsure.
Scared. Sad. I still have days where I need to be reminded to let go and to
open up. As I go through all kinds of
feelings and experiences in my journey through life---surprise, delight,
chagrin, dismay, betrayal and disappointment, I hold this question as a guiding
light: “What do I really need right now
to be happy?” What I come to over and
over again is that only qualities as vast and deep as love, connection and
kindness will really make me happy in any sort of enduring way.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
An Argument For Synthetic Happiness....
I like science. I like the brain. But I don't know that I have a very scientifically thinking brain. That's part of why I love this TED talk. In his TED talk, Dan Gilbert, who I'm sure has a very scientific thinking brain, does a great job of explaining how the brain works in regard to our happiness. And he does this in a way I can appreciate, in a way that my brain can wrap itself around and understand.
Dr. Gilbert explains that while we think happiness is something we find, it actually works better for us if happiness is something we synthesize. If happiness can only come when we get exactly what we were wanting, well the odds aren't exactly in our favor. However, if we can synthesize happiness...if we can use our psychological immune system in a way that helps us change our views of the world so that we can feel better about the worlds in which we find ourselves....well now we are on to something. The odds tend to be favoring us. This is how we can make sense of struggle....which all of us are wired for. This is how we can bring meaning to our pain. This is how we are able to embrace the life that unfolds before us and feel that this is the best life we could have possibly had. That it's exactly the life we were destined for. That it is imperfect and full of struggle and therefore glorious!
Dr. Gilbert explains that while we think happiness is something we find, it actually works better for us if happiness is something we synthesize. If happiness can only come when we get exactly what we were wanting, well the odds aren't exactly in our favor. However, if we can synthesize happiness...if we can use our psychological immune system in a way that helps us change our views of the world so that we can feel better about the worlds in which we find ourselves....well now we are on to something. The odds tend to be favoring us. This is how we can make sense of struggle....which all of us are wired for. This is how we can bring meaning to our pain. This is how we are able to embrace the life that unfolds before us and feel that this is the best life we could have possibly had. That it's exactly the life we were destined for. That it is imperfect and full of struggle and therefore glorious!
Monday, April 1, 2013
Have fun! Discover! Remember!
I love this time of year! I have a real appreciation for the beginning of Spring. I love the sweet smell in the air, the sounds of the birds, and the warmth that hints of the Summer to come. I love to open my windows and let the air inside. I love to think about the beauty that is about to splash forth in colors and fragrances. I love seeing the world wake up after surviving Winter. I love seeing people out and about. I look forward to the sound of lawn mowers and the smell of fresh cut grass. I like digging in the dirt, setting with my own hands the stage for the production that bursts forth.
Actually, truth be told, I have a love for each of the seasons....including in its own quirky way Winter. There is a different feeling, a different sense that comes with each season.
However, there have been Springs that came to my section of the planet, but my heart just wasn't there. I couldn't appreciate what was happening around me because of what was happening inside of me. What happens to us when we lose sensuality? The mindfulness of physical senses that creates emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical presence?
When we lose our sensate focus we take things around us for granted. We lose the ability to be present, both with ourselves and with others. We lose a sense of connectedness. Often when we lose sensate focus we get so busy we don't notice the noises around us. Sometimes we don't notice the people around us. Sensuousness requires stopping and paying attention. Being open to all that our senses bring us, we become more open and aware of the world around us. We begin to realize that not only is this world beautiful, but it also has purpose & meaning....and because we are part of this creation, so do our lives have purpose and meaning. We find ourselves feeling a part of something greater than ourselves. So how do we stop and pay attention? How can we practice sensuality? Here's some ideas I've come up with. I'd love to hear your favorite ways to stop and pay attention.....
Actually, truth be told, I have a love for each of the seasons....including in its own quirky way Winter. There is a different feeling, a different sense that comes with each season.
However, there have been Springs that came to my section of the planet, but my heart just wasn't there. I couldn't appreciate what was happening around me because of what was happening inside of me. What happens to us when we lose sensuality? The mindfulness of physical senses that creates emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical presence?
When we lose our sensate focus we take things around us for granted. We lose the ability to be present, both with ourselves and with others. We lose a sense of connectedness. Often when we lose sensate focus we get so busy we don't notice the noises around us. Sometimes we don't notice the people around us. Sensuousness requires stopping and paying attention. Being open to all that our senses bring us, we become more open and aware of the world around us. We begin to realize that not only is this world beautiful, but it also has purpose & meaning....and because we are part of this creation, so do our lives have purpose and meaning. We find ourselves feeling a part of something greater than ourselves. So how do we stop and pay attention? How can we practice sensuality? Here's some ideas I've come up with. I'd love to hear your favorite ways to stop and pay attention.....
- Have fun! Discover! Remember!
- Get Inspired
- Look out a window
- Stretch
- Go for a walk
- Really listen to music
- Sit outside and just listen
- Be quiet
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