What the hackers also released was panic, devastation, heartbreak and grief. The effects of this scandal are far reaching and certainly impact more than the 37 million paying members of this site.
If you or a loved one has been impacted by this breach, life has become unmanageable. The data is out and the fantasy of secrecy the site promised its users has crumbled. The Internet has once again shown that it cannot be trusted with our secrets. The following points are stepping stones for navigating the fall out and recovering hope:
- WAKE UP: A crisis like this is a wake-up call about sexual patterns and can be an opportunity for further reflection and growth. Many individuals who are on the site can't fully explain why they did what they did.
- BEWARE OF SHAME: Shame is a constant awareness of our flaws, defects and imperfections. Shame is not the same as guilt. Shame is different in that it makes a person feel bad about who they are whereas guilt makes an individual feel bad about what they did. Adults shamed in childhood fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. Commitment is a recovery principle and is important to the repair needed to move forward. Being able to challenge your shameful messages while also allowing yourself to feel appropriate guilt will help build self-awareness and compassion for the hurt you have caused. Adults shamed in childhood also tend to blame other people before they can accept any blame themselves. Accepting responsibility, owning up to the damage you've done and the hurt you've created allows you to be part of the solution. If you do not accept blame, it will only get worse for you as your life goes on and the intricate patterns of avoiding responsibility build.
- START TALKING: Now that the secret is out, it's time to get to work. For repairs to be made, the straying partner must work to show empathy and remorse. This is going to take time. It will be necessary to acknowledge the hurt and pain you caused as often as needed. Finding out a partner is on Ashley Madison may be the first time a spouse realizes the partner may not be happy and the relationship has problems. It is a good idea to seek professional help to walk through the difficult conversations and tackle the work that lies ahead.
- CONNECT WITH REALITY: The reality is you cheated. Whether you met the person you were contacting and actually had sex or viewed profiles, sent texts or emails and exchanged photos, the fact is this behavior is viewed as cheating. While you may feel the problems in your relationship or the stress in your life made you stray, the reality is there are others out there with similar problems who don't do what you did.
- SEEK TREATMENT: According to Rob Weiss, author and expert on digitally driven intimacy disorders, "when your sexual behavior is more in control of your time, decisions, fantasy and impulses than you are, treatment is advisable. Likewise, if loved ones knew the full extent of your secret sexual life and would be shocked or concerned, or if you live in fear of being "discovered", treatment is advisable. You may also want to consider treatment if you can't stop having the amount or type of sex that you know could harm your relationships, career, family life and reputation." Many individuals struggling with infidelity or compulsive sexual behaviors experienced childhood trauma, neglect, abuse or loss and use sexual acting out as a way to cope with the painful emotions.
If you have been impacted by this breach, you can take an anonymous, self-assessment for an objective view of the situation. For issues of sexual addiction, seeking a professional who is trained and certified as a sexual addiction therapist is important for both you and your spouse.
Jackie Pack, LCSW, CSAT-S
Jackie Pack, LCSW, CSAT-S
