About a month ago, I was invited to fly to Nashville for a professionals weekend. The invitation came at a time in my life that was filled with busyness and chaos. In March, I had disclosed to my two business partners that being in the partnership wasn't working for me and that I had made the very difficult decision to leave the partnership. This declaration was not met with enthusiasm or acceptance. It was the beginning of a series of free-fall moments for me. In this series of free-falls, there were many things that began to fall into alignment... And many things fell out of alignment. My busyness was kicked up several notches. My "to do" list became bottomless. My workaholism started creeping out of manageability. My time with and for my family dried up and just being present when one of my daughters or spouse was talking to me became very difficult. Gratefully, I had my quarterly weekend the beginning of March with one of my personal recovery groups that helped with perspective. I was also fortunate that in the beginning of this free-fall, I was introduced to a very wise woman, who is now my sponsor that I can text, email or call for consultation. I also had very wise counsel from friends, colleagues, family and associates who were willing to step forward and offer their truth and perspective.
This takes me back to receiving the invitation to attend the professionals weekend in Nashville. At this point, I had learned to say "yes" when opportunities landed at my doorstep. So, despite feeling the pressure of giving the time to my "to do" list, or the guilt of leaving my family for another weekend...I just said yes. I am so grateful that my family is supportive of me and whatever process I am in and they willingly sacrificed their time with me so that I could go.
The night before I left, daughter #2 was asking me what exactly I would be doing this weekend. I told her that I had no idea. I actually hadn't even had time to think about it since I had accepted the invitation. Sitting in the Denver airport on a layover, I remembered that I had gotten an email a few days prior from the people hosting the professionals weekend that I hadn't had the time to read. So I pulled up the email. Attached, I found a "what to bring list". This would have been helpful prior to sitting in the Denver airport, where I realized I had not packed appropriately! While this was a "professionals weekend", dressing as a professional would not be appropriate.
I began to feel uncomfortable when I had this realization. But that was ok, because that was just the beginning of feeling varying levels of discomfort the entire weekend! It was also the beginning of surrendering to a process that was bigger than me and therefore transformative.
The second day into my professionals weekend, we participated in a Native American sweat lodge. I had never participated in a sweat lodge before and didn't know that much about it; other than it being a spiritual ritual and cleansing the body of toxins. Fortunately, my host took me to a nearby Walmart to get some appropriate clothing for this experience.
We were scheduled to be in the sweat lodge for 6 hours. Of course, there was discomfort about not knowing what to expect. And I recalled a news story from several years back about participants who died in a sweat lodge. But I was reassured that they did this on a regular basis. That our Native American leader had been doing these his whole life and that we would be perfectly safe...and we were.
Daniel, our leader, told us as we sat in a close knit circle inside the lodge, about the symbolism of a sweat lodge. The symbolism of re-birth. The lodge itself represents the female, the womb. The hot rocks that have been baking in a fire for many hours prior to our starting the process, was symbolic of the male. And the rocks entering the lodge symbolic of conception and new life. He told us what the focus would be for each of the four rounds and then we got started. The rocks were placed, the herbs sprinkled, the water poured and the door closed so that it was pitch black, very hot and very humid. My tendency was to take shallow breaths. It didn't seem to me that breathing in such hot and humid breaths would be good for the lungs. It was difficult to breathe and taking short, shallow breaths was not sufficient for what my body needed. So despite my reasoning and best judgment, I pushed beyond the short, shallow breaths and took a long, deep breath. Allowing my lungs to fill to capacity. Because the air was so hot and so humid, I could literally feel the breathe as it came in through my nose and traveled through my body. I could feel the breath all the way to my core. And it felt good!
Sometime in round three, as I was laying on the cooler, damp, dirt floor of the lodge, with my eyes closed...just concentrating on my breathing, a thought occurred to me. When I entered this world, I claimed my life by breathing. While I don't remember that experience I imagine it wasn't easy. I would think there was struggle involved. That in a moment I had a choice...I could claim my life by taking a breath...or I could let my life slip past me and not claim it and never breathe. And the deeper the breath, the better.
At 44 years old, I have learned that life is a series of free-falls. It throws things at us that we did not see coming. Life can weigh us down, it can completely freak us out. It can be difficult and we will struggle. During these times, our breathing may shift to short, shallow breaths. It may become difficult for us to breathe. Or we can disconnect and not even be mindful or aware that we are breathing, and what that feels like...what statement that makes. And yet, even in those circumstances, the same truth applies: we claim or reclaim our life by breathing...and the deeper the better!
