A little over a month ago my mom passed away unexpectedly. It was December 30, 2014. She was planning to have a sleepover with her grandkids that night. It was just a regular day and I had no idea the twist that was about to happen. I called my mom from work at 2:00 to tell her that my kids would be a little late for the sleepover. Just 15 minutes late. We talked on the phone for 5-10 minutes about nothing in particular. I had no idea that by 3:00pm she would be found unconscious in her home by my younger brother. He called 911 but she never regained consciousness and was pronounced dead at 3:54pm.
My mom and I had a complicated relationship. We didn't always see eye to eye. We had our ups and downs but over the past two years we were making peace with each other and learning to see past our differences. I don't have regrets about the path our relationship took. It was what it was.
As I left the hospital and was driving home the words of the song from Les Miserables came to my mind: "to love another person is to see the face of God". I believe that it is easy to love somebody when they are lovely. But to have love for somebody who has let you down, hurt you, disappointed you and fallen short of who you wanted them to be...who you needed them to be...well I think that is Godly. It is Godly because it is so much bigger than me, than her, than what was and what wasn't. And I can accept that. My mom didn't have an easy life. She did the best she could, but was hurt by many things...mostly my dad and the loss of what she hoped to have. And as the saying goes "hurt people, hurt people."
Thomas Merton in his book No Man is an Island says "The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them."
It has been a long and difficult month since her passing. I have found that sadness is a familiar companion. There's a game I find myself playing. I pretend that I can replay special days of my life. Certain characteristics show through as I flip through my favorite memories of my mom....the image of her walking towards me with a chair to join me on the sideline of my girls soccer game. Her recounting endless details of a story that aren't all that important. Her curiosity and love of learning. Watching her write in her journal or talking about books we both had read. It is so easy for me to play back some of my fondest memories. When I play this game, it reminds me that no matter how good those memories were, certain moments are gone forever. When I was a girl, I watched my mom and adopted the bits and pieces of her that fit me. The talks and struggles we have had through this journey of our lives together have a great deal to do with the values I cherish as an adult and the person I have become. I truly believe that nothing in this life is wasted. Leaving the hospital that night, I felt like I could let go of so much and walk away with the memories I choose to keep of her.
Love is complicated, and yet our job is to love others without stopping to question whether or not they are worthy of that love. It's not our judgment to make. What we are asked to do is to love. To soften ourselves, our hurts and disappointments and to love. It is a life saving pursuit.
I love you mom!
