Living with Intent vs. Self Will Run Riot

In the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill W. described the core trait of alcoholics as self-centeredness—something he referred to as “self-will run riot.”  He further described the alcoholic as “an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way.”  The reality that the vast majority of all people are self-centered can be a helpful realization in recovery.  This reality does not justify the self-centeredness of addicts or taking this self-centeredness to an extreme, as is the case with the self will run riot. However, it does help to explain why so often individuals find themselves in collision with others.  Whether it’s an extreme case of letting the self go unchecked as happens in addiction or a less extreme case such as getting impatient with the person in front of us at the checkout, driving aggressively in traffic, avoiding personal responsibility, watching too much television or becoming obsessive about our work or our workouts, self-centeredness creates chaos in our lives.  It’s a way of trying to live life on our own terms, rather than living life on life’s terms.

Living life on our terms gets in the way of developing a sense of self that is helpful because we are continually trying to control.  The Serenity Prayer speaks wisdom to addicts and to non-addicts alike.  The prayer begins with learning to accept external circumstances that we cannot change.  (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.)We can spend a lot of unnecessary time and energy in attempting to change things we cannot control.  Once we recognize what it is that we cannot control, the next part of the prayer moves us on to another quality that we need to develop and that is courage. (Courage to change the things I can.) It is during this part of recovery that we begin to witness the integrity of an individual.  Now that the usual patterns of coping have been removed, something is required to surface when going through difficult circumstances or when faced with challenging times.  Integrity hasn’t had to stand up because acting out soothed the pain, or numbed the discomfort.  With those destructive pathways removed, the self is required to show up, to stand up and to make a decision about how to live life in this new way of being.  Individuals will continue to move forward in recovery when their discomfort with their present circumstances outweighs their discomfort with growth.  This requires us to be intentional in our actions.  Living with intent is the essence of the Serenity Prayer (and the wisdom to know the difference.)

History gives us several good examples, where individuals put in uncomfortable circumstances acted with intent and had a huge impact in their world and in our world:

When Nelson Mandela was thrown in jail in 1962, he had almost everything taken from him: his home, his reputation, his pride and, of course, his freedom. He chose to use those 27 years in jail to focus on what was really essential and to eliminate everything else, including his own  resentment.

In Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl concluded that everything can be taken from us except “the last of human freedom’s—to choose one’s own attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”  Frankl noted that the prisoners most likely to survive were those who had a vivid sense of purpose in life.  Even in the humiliation of the camps, something that was certainly beyond the prisoner’s control, they still found choices they did have. 

Rosa Parks’ quiet, but resolute refusal to give up her seat on a segregated bus in Montgomery, Alabama coalesced into forces that propelled the Civil Rights Movement and changed the course of history.  As Parks’ recalls: “when the bus driver saw me still sitting, he asked if I was going to stand up and I said ‘No’, I am not.” Contrary to popular belief, her courageous “No” did not grow out of a particularly assertive personality. Instead, her decision on the bus grew out of a deep conviction about what deliberate decision she wanted to make in that moment.  When the bus driver ordered her out of her seat she said: “I felt a determination cover my body like a quilt on a Winter night.”  She did not know how her decision would spark a movement that would reverberate around the world, but she did know her own mind.  She knew, even as she was being arrested that it would be the very last time she would ever ride in humiliation of this kind.  The discomfort of the present circumstances became more uncomfortable than the arrest and incarceration that followed. 

It may be unlikely that we will find ourselves in circumstances like Nelson Mandela, Victor Frankl or Rosa Parks, yet we can use their stories as inspiration for our own moments of courage.  We can think of the strength of conviction Rosa Parks exhibited, her courage to say no and to stand her ground.  We can recognize that if Victor Frankl could make choices in the desolation of a concentration camp, then we can start making choices in our daily lives as well.  And as Nelson Mandela taught us, when we focus on what is really essential in our lives, we often may find things we are clinging to like our resentment, that also need to be eliminated. 

Living with intent is hard.  It takes courage and wisdom.  It takes forethought and discipline.  It requires us to ask difficult questions and to examine our lives.  Living with intent helps guide us to a greater sense of purpose and help to chart our life’s path.  We may not be able to run the whole show, but by living with intent, we make deliberate choices about what we contribute to the whole production. 

Breathing

About a month ago, I was invited to fly to Nashville for a professionals weekend.  The invitation came at a time in my life that was filled with busyness and chaos. In March, I had disclosed to my two business partners that being in the partnership wasn't working for me and that I had made the very difficult decision to leave the partnership. This declaration was not met with enthusiasm or acceptance. It was the beginning of a series of free-fall moments for me. In this series of free-falls, there were many things that began to fall into alignment... And many things fell out of alignment. My busyness was kicked up several notches. My "to do" list became bottomless. My workaholism started creeping out of manageability. My time with and for my family dried up and just being present when one of my daughters or spouse was talking to me became very difficult. Gratefully, I had my quarterly weekend the beginning of March with one of my personal recovery groups that helped with perspective. I was also fortunate that in the beginning of this free-fall, I was introduced to a very wise woman, who is now my sponsor that I can text, email or call for consultation. I also had very wise counsel from friends, colleagues, family and associates who were willing to step forward and offer their truth and perspective.
This takes me back to receiving the invitation to attend the professionals weekend in Nashville. At this point, I had learned to say "yes" when opportunities landed at my doorstep. So, despite feeling the pressure of giving the time to my "to do" list, or the guilt of leaving my family for another weekend...I just said yes. I am so grateful that my family is supportive of me and whatever process I am in and they willingly sacrificed their time with me so that I could go.
The night before I left, daughter #2 was asking me what exactly I would be doing this weekend. I told her that I had no idea. I actually hadn't even had time to think about it since I had accepted the invitation. Sitting in the Denver airport on a layover, I remembered that I had gotten an email a few days prior from the people hosting the professionals weekend that I hadn't had the time to read. So I pulled up the email. Attached, I found a "what to bring list".  This would have been helpful prior to sitting in the Denver airport, where I realized I had not packed appropriately!  While this was a "professionals weekend", dressing as a professional would not be appropriate.
I began to feel uncomfortable when I had this realization. But that was ok, because that was just the beginning of feeling varying levels of discomfort the entire weekend!  It was also the beginning of surrendering to a process that was bigger than me and therefore transformative.
The second day into my professionals weekend, we participated in a Native American sweat lodge. I had never participated in a sweat lodge before and didn't know that much about it; other than it being a spiritual ritual and cleansing the body of toxins. Fortunately, my host took me to a nearby Walmart to get some appropriate clothing for this experience.
We were scheduled to be in the sweat lodge for 6 hours. Of course, there was discomfort about not knowing what to expect. And I recalled a news story from several years back about participants who died in a sweat lodge. But I was reassured that they did this on a regular basis. That our Native American leader had been doing these his whole life and that we would be perfectly safe...and we were.
Daniel, our leader, told us as we sat in a close knit circle inside the lodge, about the symbolism of a sweat lodge. The symbolism of re-birth. The lodge itself represents the female, the womb. The hot rocks that have been baking in a fire for many hours prior to our starting the process, was symbolic of the male.  And the rocks entering the lodge symbolic of conception and new life. He told us what the focus would be for each of the four rounds and then we got started. The rocks were placed, the herbs sprinkled, the water poured and the door closed so that it was pitch black, very hot and very humid. My tendency was to take shallow breaths. It didn't seem to me that breathing in such hot and humid breaths would be good for the lungs. It was difficult to breathe and taking short, shallow breaths was not sufficient for what my body needed. So despite my reasoning and best judgment, I pushed beyond the short, shallow breaths and took a long, deep breath. Allowing my lungs to fill to capacity. Because the air was so hot and so humid, I could literally feel the breathe as it came in through my nose and traveled through my body. I could feel the breath all the way to my core. And it felt good!
Sometime in round three, as I was laying on the cooler, damp, dirt floor of the lodge, with my eyes closed...just concentrating on my breathing, a thought occurred to me. When I entered this world, I claimed my life by breathing. While I don't remember that experience I imagine it wasn't easy. I would think there was struggle involved. That in a moment I had a choice...I could claim my life by taking a breath...or I could let my life slip past me and not claim it and never breathe. And the deeper the breath, the better.
At 44 years old, I have learned that life is a series of free-falls. It throws things at us that we did not see coming. Life can weigh us down, it can completely freak us out.  It can be difficult and we will struggle. During these times, our breathing may shift to short, shallow breaths. It may become difficult for us to breathe. Or we can disconnect and not even be mindful or aware that we are breathing, and what that feels like...what statement that makes. And yet, even in those circumstances, the same truth applies:  we claim or reclaim our life by breathing...and the deeper the better!

The Journey by Mary Oliver

This poem has been inspiring to me for many years.  I have had several "one day when I finally knew what I had to do:, which lead to a journey in which I didn't know the end when I began.  Step by step, I figured it out as I lived my truth.  It takes an incredible unfolding of resolve and strength, that sometimes surprises me because I didn't realize I even had it.  I am also surprised at the reactions of others in response to living one's truth.  I have never had regret when I respond to the call and allow myself to move forward in my journey.

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!" 

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save.

What Time Is It?

Have you ever thought about what advice you would give to your younger self?  If you could write and send a letter back to a younger version of yourself what would you say?  What wisdom have you gained at your current age, that your younger self might benefit from?  Dear 14 year old me: .....
When I was fourteen, my mom had some serious health issues related to her Chron's Disease that landed her in the hospital for several months.  From what I recall, she went into the hospital just prior to school getting out for the Summer.  After a serious surgery, some complications from being in the hospital and bad reactions to medications, the next school year had recently started when she was released from the hospital. As I have previously mentioned, my father wasn't around very often, so this left the 6 of us as kids, mostly on our own.  (We did have some help from neighbors and extended family).  My older sister, had a job that required her to work several afternoons during the week.  To me, it felt like I was mostly in charge at home.  I have some good memories during this time.  As brothers and sisters, we sometimes still share funny memories that are from this time period....songs we made up around the dinner table, jokes we told and ways we found to work together.  I don't know that it was all appropriate, given that a 14 year old and 16 year old were running the show, but we managed and we all made it through.
As I got older, and became an adult, a professional, a parent, an expert...I would find that in certain situations my current age didn't match the age I was feeling inside.  Often, when I would ask myself "how old do I feel?" the answer was often "14!", even though chronologically I was much older.  The effect this had on me was that often I wouldn't speak up, even if I was confident about what I would say.  Sometimes when I would speak up, I would find fault or doubt everything I had just said. I would become shy or withdrawn in certain social situations.  I wouldn't ask questions, and this fear would surface that somehow I would be found to be a fraud, even though I wasn't doing anything fraudulent.  For me, I was still able to function...after all at 14 years old, I had done a satisfactory job at running things in the "adult" world and playing an "adult" role even though I wasn't an adult.   But this feeling of "faking it" or being something I wasn't still lingered.  I began to realize that while I did a functional job at 14, I really didn't know what I didn't know....and I had a sense of that at that time. With the help of a good therapist, who was trained in EMDR, I was able to tend to those younger wounds, from my current age.
One of the pitfalls we can fall into when we are operating outside of our current age is the Drama Triangle. The "drama triangle" was developed by a well respected psychiatrist, and teacher of Transactional Analysis, named Stephen Karpman.  He defines three possible positions one can take when in the drama triangle:   the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer.  This resource has become an important tool I use both professionally and personally.  The drama triangle is also known as a "shame generator" because through it we unconsciously re-enact painful life scripts that create shame.  These scripts re-create feelings of anger, fear, guilt, entitlement, resentment or inadequacy and leave us feeling betrayed or exploited by others and keep us stuck in an altered version of reality.

                                                       Original Source © 1968 by the Transactional Analysis Bulletin.


In my experience, every dysfunctional interaction in our relationships...whether it's with others or the self, takes place in the drama triangle.  Until we become conscious of these dynamics, we cannot transform them into something that allows us to reclaim emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.
Everybody has a primary role or the role they are the most familiar with in the triangle.  It's usually the one they enter the drama triangle through.  We first learn our entry position role in our family of origin.  However, once we are in the triangle, we automatically rotate through all the positions, sometimes in a matter of minutes or even seconds.   For example, if a parent doesn't ask their child to take age-appropriate responsibility for themselves, they may grow up to become adults who feel inadequate at taking care of themselves (victim) or become resentful adults who blame others when they don't get taken care of in the way they think they should (persecutor).
VICTIM
When we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as Victim. Victim is often associated with  0-9 years of age, when we had the least amount of power in our lives and were the most dependent upon others for our needs.  The victim role is the wounded shadow of our inner child.  It's the part of us that is innocent, vulnerable and needy.  Of course, it's natural to need support throughout life.  However, it's when we are convinced that we need somebody to take care of us, believing that we are powerless or defective that it moves us into the victim position.
PERSECUTOR
Entitlement justifies the behavior of Persecutor..."it's ok to act this way because of what happened to me". There are many ways persecutors act out, however, persecutor behaviors are most often associated with adolescent rage.  It is easy to think that Persecutors are "bad" people.  They are not.  They are operating from a shame base.  They are wounded individuals who see the world as dangerous, which requires them to be ready to strike back and live in a defensive position.
RESCUER
The Rescuer has been described as a shadow of the mother principle, the God principle and is the classic co-dependent.  Instead of an appropriate expression of support and nurturing, the Rescuer tends to be overly responsible, to smother, control or manipulate--for other's own good, of course!  It's a misguided understanding of what it is to encourage, empower and protect.  Rescuing comes from a need to feel valued. Often, Rescuers have been falsely empowered during childhood.  Sometimes the rescuer will rescue themselves or others by denying reality.

HOW DO I GET OUT OF THE DRAMA TRIANGLE?

Living in the drama triangle creates misery and dysfunction.  Like the childhood game of musical chairs, all players sooner or later rotate positions.  Whenever we fail to take responsibility for ourselves, we end up in the triangle.  Taking responsibility is a key factor in moving us out of the drama triangle. A meaningful life requires a mindful willingness to get out of the triangle and to extend grace to those still trapped in it. Operating from our current age means we are willing to let go of the outcomes and accept life on life's terms. We learn that it is important for us to nurture ourselves, because at ( insert current age) 43 years of age, that is who is responsible for nurturing me.  We also learn that as adults, we have choices.  We have options.  As an adult, I cannot be abandoned, nor can I abandon other adults.  One of the practices I have learned, and still use is to ask myself What time is it?  If the answer is anything other than the current year or current age, I need to tend to what has come up.  The next question is Where am I?  If that answer does not match up to where I currently am....Here,  then again, a sign that I need to tend to some emotional things going on.  The third question is: What matters?  The answer I would like to hear back is this moment.  However, if the answer is something other than that, that is an indication that I need to do some exploring with myself, and possibly others who have earned the right to give input, in order to operate with all the wisdom and resources I have as a 43 year old woman.  

They say timing is everything.  In our relationships, the time we are acting or reacting from may mean the difference between healthy communication or the beginning of musical chairs.