Living with Intent vs. Self Will Run Riot

In the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill W. described the core trait of alcoholics as self-centeredness—something he referred to as “self-will run riot.”  He further described the alcoholic as “an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way.”  The reality that the vast majority of all people are self-centered can be a helpful realization in recovery.  This reality does not justify the self-centeredness of addicts or taking this self-centeredness to an extreme, as is the case with the self will run riot. However, it does help to explain why so often individuals find themselves in collision with others.  Whether it’s an extreme case of letting the self go unchecked as happens in addiction or a less extreme case such as getting impatient with the person in front of us at the checkout, driving aggressively in traffic, avoiding personal responsibility, watching too much television or becoming obsessive about our work or our workouts, self-centeredness creates chaos in our lives.  It’s a way of trying to live life on our own terms, rather than living life on life’s terms.

Living life on our terms gets in the way of developing a sense of self that is helpful because we are continually trying to control.  The Serenity Prayer speaks wisdom to addicts and to non-addicts alike.  The prayer begins with learning to accept external circumstances that we cannot change.  (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.)We can spend a lot of unnecessary time and energy in attempting to change things we cannot control.  Once we recognize what it is that we cannot control, the next part of the prayer moves us on to another quality that we need to develop and that is courage. (Courage to change the things I can.) It is during this part of recovery that we begin to witness the integrity of an individual.  Now that the usual patterns of coping have been removed, something is required to surface when going through difficult circumstances or when faced with challenging times.  Integrity hasn’t had to stand up because acting out soothed the pain, or numbed the discomfort.  With those destructive pathways removed, the self is required to show up, to stand up and to make a decision about how to live life in this new way of being.  Individuals will continue to move forward in recovery when their discomfort with their present circumstances outweighs their discomfort with growth.  This requires us to be intentional in our actions.  Living with intent is the essence of the Serenity Prayer (and the wisdom to know the difference.)

History gives us several good examples, where individuals put in uncomfortable circumstances acted with intent and had a huge impact in their world and in our world:

When Nelson Mandela was thrown in jail in 1962, he had almost everything taken from him: his home, his reputation, his pride and, of course, his freedom. He chose to use those 27 years in jail to focus on what was really essential and to eliminate everything else, including his own  resentment.

In Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl concluded that everything can be taken from us except “the last of human freedom’s—to choose one’s own attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”  Frankl noted that the prisoners most likely to survive were those who had a vivid sense of purpose in life.  Even in the humiliation of the camps, something that was certainly beyond the prisoner’s control, they still found choices they did have. 

Rosa Parks’ quiet, but resolute refusal to give up her seat on a segregated bus in Montgomery, Alabama coalesced into forces that propelled the Civil Rights Movement and changed the course of history.  As Parks’ recalls: “when the bus driver saw me still sitting, he asked if I was going to stand up and I said ‘No’, I am not.” Contrary to popular belief, her courageous “No” did not grow out of a particularly assertive personality. Instead, her decision on the bus grew out of a deep conviction about what deliberate decision she wanted to make in that moment.  When the bus driver ordered her out of her seat she said: “I felt a determination cover my body like a quilt on a Winter night.”  She did not know how her decision would spark a movement that would reverberate around the world, but she did know her own mind.  She knew, even as she was being arrested that it would be the very last time she would ever ride in humiliation of this kind.  The discomfort of the present circumstances became more uncomfortable than the arrest and incarceration that followed. 

It may be unlikely that we will find ourselves in circumstances like Nelson Mandela, Victor Frankl or Rosa Parks, yet we can use their stories as inspiration for our own moments of courage.  We can think of the strength of conviction Rosa Parks exhibited, her courage to say no and to stand her ground.  We can recognize that if Victor Frankl could make choices in the desolation of a concentration camp, then we can start making choices in our daily lives as well.  And as Nelson Mandela taught us, when we focus on what is really essential in our lives, we often may find things we are clinging to like our resentment, that also need to be eliminated. 

Living with intent is hard.  It takes courage and wisdom.  It takes forethought and discipline.  It requires us to ask difficult questions and to examine our lives.  Living with intent helps guide us to a greater sense of purpose and help to chart our life’s path.  We may not be able to run the whole show, but by living with intent, we make deliberate choices about what we contribute to the whole production. 

I Can......

In every community there is work to be done.  

In every nation, there are wounds to heal.  

In every heart there is the power to do it.      

 ~Marianne Williamson

It's intriguing for me to watch conflict in our nations, countries, communities and neighborhoods unfold and play out. Whether it's the United States Congress or local PTA squabbles about school spirit shirts....basic common sense and kindness seem to be lacking.  I know, conflict is nothing new.  A brief review of history would show that the current tide of hate speech, blame games, divisiveness, quarrels and opposition is nothing we haven't experienced before. What is it they say about history repeating?  That's right! Something about not learning the lessons of history and therefore being doomed to repeat them!  

One of the things I have learned is that in the vast scheme of things, we're not that different. No matter where we come from, our backgrounds, our vast talents and abilities, our life experiences...everything that could potentially make us different, actually brings us together and makes us very much the same. We all long to be loved, to give love, to find happiness and to feel safe and secure. 

Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that the current focus is on our similarities, but rather our insecurities and fears are allowed to focus on the faults of others or our differences. I have found that the steady streaming of conflict has challenged me to look at who I am and how I am. I admit I have my failings, my bad days, and my moments of fear. However, I have also found that the steady stream of conflict also calls out a resolution inside of me to cultivate goodness, beauty, truth and wisdom.

A couple months ago, in my blog post Peace is Heroic, I said that peace is easy to project when life is naturally peaceful. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to describe the collective time we are living in.  During turbulent times, peace becomes heroic. Peace becomes heroic when there's turmoil around you and when there's turmoil within you. It seems that the time to truly be heroic has presented itself to us.

Duality will always exist.  There will always be both light & dark, good & bad, accountability & compassion, justice and mercy, hatred & love.  I'm not interested in who is at fault.  What I am interested in is who will rise above?  Who will lead out? Who will reach across?  You don't have to intend to hurt someone in order to hurt someone.  I can be more conscientious of others when I speak or act.  People shouldn't have to earn kindness.  I can practice more kindness.  True beauty is reflected in the soul.  I can be more caring, more considerate.  Humanity can be so beautiful, it can represent the good in us, the spiritual in us, the compassion in us.  I can cultivate compassion.  Our planet is too small for everyone to get their way.  I can celebrate and embrace diversity. The world breaks everyone. I can turn my wounds into wisdom.  I see so much negativity and cruelty. I can have courage to trust and believe in the goodness of others.  

"Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet.  We all breathe the same air.  We all cherish our children's future.  And we are all mortal.". JFK

What can you do?

You're Braver Than You Think!

About a month ago, I changed the wallpaper on my iPhone to a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that I love and that I decided I need to practice.  The quote is this: "DO ONE THING EVERY DAY THAT SCARES YOU."  Over the past month, I've noticed how helpful it has been to read this every time I see my phone wallpaper.  I've been surprised at how many times I have felt strengthened, challenged, called out and I have even been pleasantly surprised and delighted at how brave I have felt.
Bravery is being a courageous person.  One that does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty or pain. It is speaking up for what is right, even if there is opposition.  It is acting on our convictions.  
What I have learned over this month as I have been practicing bravery is that often, my anger lies close to my bravery. For many of us we were taught that anger is bad, that it is a fault, that if we can't say something nice, we shouldn't say anything at all, and that we should "go to our room until we can be nice". But anger is something we feel. And when we feel it, we want to do something with it.  We want to yell, we want to hit something or someone, we want to break something, we want to kick something, we want to scream, we want to use our voice and insult that person, really let out a zinger.  But because we are taught to be nice people, we bury it instead.  We stuff it down, we medicate it, we ignore it and we put a smile on our face. This isn't really helpful when it comes to anger. Anger is meant to be respected. Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is meant to be acted upon, not to be acted out.  Anger is our alert system, it tells us to pay attention.  Anger shows us what our boundaries are.  It can let us see where we have been and what we have not liked. Anger points us in the direction we need to move, towards the actions we need to take. With a little thought and a bit of insight, we can usually decode the message that our anger is sending us.   
Once we have decoded the message that our anger is sending us, the next step is to then act upon that message.  Again, anger is meant to be acted upon, not to be acted out. There are many ways we can act out our anger.  We can get explosive, using many of the tactics listed above.  We can get mean and nasty with our words. We can be cruel, arrogant and dismissive.  We can be passive aggressive.  We can be patronizing and demeaning. We can be sarcastic and biting. We can be silent.  Acting upon our anger, however, doesn't look like any of these.  
Acting upon our anger may call us out to speak up, to take a stand.  When we are brave, this comes from a place of wisdom, a place of knowing.  A place in our core that holds us to our personal truths. 
Bravery can look like trying something new and not being afraid to fail.  It may be asking a question, or loving somebody unconditionally.  Bravery may look like seeking forgiveness.  It may look like facing our fears or finally seeing the unbearable truth hidden behind our pain.  Bravery looks like showing up...all of us...our real self.  Sometimes bravery means saying no.  It may be following our dream and trusting that the path will open up.  
I think if you were to ask people if they think they are brave, most would tell you no.  For many of us, our brave moments don't stand out as brave moments.  However, when we start to practice our bravery, when we pay attention and look for it....I believe we will be surprised at how brave we all are.  

Friend or Foe?

I've heard it said that one of the most important beliefs we can have is the belief that the world is a friendly place.  I don't think we come to this belief because life is easy or because we live in a land of rainbows and ponies.  I think it is one of the most important beliefs we can have because it is a belief that we come to despite the evidence we will have to the contrary.  
Each life is a collection of stories---our stories.  The meaning of these stories will often be unclear.  The cowboy standing on the dusty trail may wonder to himself--did I find a rope or lose a horse?  Often we will wonder what the meaning is to our own stories. Each of us has the opportunity to interpret our own.  In every lesson and every experience are the seeds of inspiration or exasperation; we get to choose.  We can add up our experiences to create a story of injustice and pain....which we will have plenty of data on.  Or we can take the very same experiences and organize them to create meaning, to inspire gratitude and to develop character. 
Eleanor Roosevelt said "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself I lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along."
It takes courage to live a good life.  It takes courage to make meaningful connections.  I'm not talking heroic acts of courage, although those are inspiring and often performed by "regular" people.  I'm talking the courage it takes to say "I'm sorry".  To admit we made a mistake and are imperfect. The courage to say "I don't know" or "I've been there; I've done that". The courage to be the first one to say "I love you". To look another in the eye and express what we are feeling.  The courage to let others see our vulnerability.  And the courage to believe that despite our failings and imperfections we are worthwhile individuals worthy of love and belonging. 
They say "it takes a village" and it does. I think it's important to believe that the village isn't an angry mob out to get us, but rather a group of supporters who have also been bruised and broken in their own journey through life and are part of a team that supports, cheers and sometimes drags us along in our own journey.  Thank you to those who make up my village and are a part of my tribe, I couldn't do it without you!