When I was fourteen, my mom had some serious health issues related to her Chron's Disease that landed her in the hospital for several months. From what I recall, she went into the hospital just prior to school getting out for the Summer. After a serious surgery, some complications from being in the hospital and bad reactions to medications, the next school year had recently started when she was released from the hospital. As I have previously mentioned, my father wasn't around very often, so this left the 6 of us as kids, mostly on our own. (We did have some help from neighbors and extended family). My older sister, had a job that required her to work several afternoons during the week. To me, it felt like I was mostly in charge at home. I have some good memories during this time. As brothers and sisters, we sometimes still share funny memories that are from this time period....songs we made up around the dinner table, jokes we told and ways we found to work together. I don't know that it was all appropriate, given that a 14 year old and 16 year old were running the show, but we managed and we all made it through.
As I got older, and became an adult, a professional, a parent, an expert...I would find that in certain situations my current age didn't match the age I was feeling inside. Often, when I would ask myself "how old do I feel?" the answer was often "14!", even though chronologically I was much older. The effect this had on me was that often I wouldn't speak up, even if I was confident about what I would say. Sometimes when I would speak up, I would find fault or doubt everything I had just said. I would become shy or withdrawn in certain social situations. I wouldn't ask questions, and this fear would surface that somehow I would be found to be a fraud, even though I wasn't doing anything fraudulent. For me, I was still able to function...after all at 14 years old, I had done a satisfactory job at running things in the "adult" world and playing an "adult" role even though I wasn't an adult. But this feeling of "faking it" or being something I wasn't still lingered. I began to realize that while I did a functional job at 14, I really didn't know what I didn't know....and I had a sense of that at that time. With the help of a good therapist, who was trained in EMDR, I was able to tend to those younger wounds, from my current age.
One of the pitfalls we can fall into when we are operating outside of our current age is the Drama Triangle. The "drama triangle" was developed by a well respected psychiatrist, and teacher of Transactional Analysis, named Stephen Karpman. He defines three possible positions one can take when in the drama triangle: the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer. This resource has become an important tool I use both professionally and personally. The drama triangle is also known as a "shame generator" because through it we unconsciously re-enact painful life scripts that create shame. These scripts re-create feelings of anger, fear, guilt, entitlement, resentment or inadequacy and leave us feeling betrayed or exploited by others and keep us stuck in an altered version of reality.
Original Source © 1968 by the Transactional Analysis Bulletin.
In my experience, every dysfunctional interaction in our relationships...whether it's with others or the self, takes place in the drama triangle. Until we become conscious of these dynamics, we cannot transform them into something that allows us to reclaim emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.
Everybody has a primary role or the role they are the most familiar with in the triangle. It's usually the one they enter the drama triangle through. We first learn our entry position role in our family of origin. However, once we are in the triangle, we automatically rotate through all the positions, sometimes in a matter of minutes or even seconds. For example, if a parent doesn't ask their child to take age-appropriate responsibility for themselves, they may grow up to become adults who feel inadequate at taking care of themselves (victim) or become resentful adults who blame others when they don't get taken care of in the way they think they should (persecutor).
VICTIM
When we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as Victim. Victim is often associated with 0-9 years of age, when we had the least amount of power in our lives and were the most dependent upon others for our needs. The victim role is the wounded shadow of our inner child. It's the part of us that is innocent, vulnerable and needy. Of course, it's natural to need support throughout life. However, it's when we are convinced that we need somebody to take care of us, believing that we are powerless or defective that it moves us into the victim position.
PERSECUTOR
Entitlement justifies the behavior of Persecutor..."it's ok to act this way because of what happened to me". There are many ways persecutors act out, however, persecutor behaviors are most often associated with adolescent rage. It is easy to think that Persecutors are "bad" people. They are not. They are operating from a shame base. They are wounded individuals who see the world as dangerous, which requires them to be ready to strike back and live in a defensive position.
RESCUER
The Rescuer has been described as a shadow of the mother principle, the God principle and is the classic co-dependent. Instead of an appropriate expression of support and nurturing, the Rescuer tends to be overly responsible, to smother, control or manipulate--for other's own good, of course! It's a misguided understanding of what it is to encourage, empower and protect. Rescuing comes from a need to feel valued. Often, Rescuers have been falsely empowered during childhood. Sometimes the rescuer will rescue themselves or others by denying reality.
HOW DO I GET OUT OF THE DRAMA TRIANGLE?
Living in the drama triangle creates misery and dysfunction. Like the childhood game of musical chairs, all players sooner or later rotate positions. Whenever we fail to take responsibility for ourselves, we end up in the triangle. Taking responsibility is a key factor in moving us out of the drama triangle. A meaningful life requires a mindful willingness to get out of the triangle and to extend grace to those still trapped in it. Operating from our current age means we are willing to let go of the outcomes and accept life on life's terms. We learn that it is important for us to nurture ourselves, because at ( insert current age) 43 years of age, that is who is responsible for nurturing me. We also learn that as adults, we have choices. We have options. As an adult, I cannot be abandoned, nor can I abandon other adults. One of the practices I have learned, and still use is to ask myself What time is it? If the answer is anything other than the current year or current age, I need to tend to what has come up. The next question is Where am I? If that answer does not match up to where I currently am....Here, then again, a sign that I need to tend to some emotional things going on. The third question is: What matters? The answer I would like to hear back is this moment. However, if the answer is something other than that, that is an indication that I need to do some exploring with myself, and possibly others who have earned the right to give input, in order to operate with all the wisdom and resources I have as a 43 year old woman.
They say timing is everything. In our relationships, the time we are acting or reacting from may mean the difference between healthy communication or the beginning of musical chairs.
