This Is How Memories Are Made

This past 4th of July weekend, my family was invited up to a cabin in Paris, Idaho nestled in the Bear Lake Valley with some of our neighbors.  We left on Wednesday and came home on Sunday.  Needless to say, I was looking forward to relaxing amidst a beautiful backdrop, spending time with family and friends, eating good food, maybe catch up on some reading and getting out of the heat wave we have been experiencing.  
I enjoyed the whole experience. We rode the ATVs, went hiking, ice cave exploring, sang karaoke and stayed up way too late talking.
Daughter #3, who is almost 14 years old, has always had an adventurous spirit.  I've often told her that she thinks her body is a science experiment.  She has been given this wonderfully healthy body and she wants to see just exactly what it can do.  If I've got two feet, lets see how fast they can move.  I've got a healthy heart and a good set of lungs, lets see just what they can do.  She's broken a few bones (5 in the first 4 years of life) and she has had a lot of fun. This holiday weekend was no exception.  One day we had gone on a small hike to Bloomington Lake.  Bloomington Lake sits at a high elevation (8200 feet) and is a glaciated lake. The scenery is beautiful. Usually, there is a rope suspended from a tree that you can swing out on over the lake and then let go and drop down into the ice cold water.  Daughter #3 was so excited to do this.  She kept asking me if I was going to do it too.  I've done it before and I told her I thought this time I'd probably just sit on a nice big rock and enjoy watching her and the other people doing it.  Her response:  "But mom, this is how memories are made!" I heard that response in a variety of ways over the weekend. One afternoon we were going to an open spot on the property to shoot some guns at empty soda cans and water bottles.  She's never done this before and thought this sounded pretty exciting.  She said "Oh, wow!  We are making memories doing this."
Since we've been home and our usual routine of work, soccer practice, soccer games, cleaning house and trying to stay ahead of the endless laundry that we accumulate has resumed, I've reflected back to her phrase this is how memories are made.  I've noticed myself being more present as I go through each day and looking for the "memory" that each day holds.  I've wondered how many "memories" I've missed being focused on what needs to be done, work problems or worrying about something I've messed up on. I can't claim I'm perfect at being present, nor that I do it all the time.  But I have been practicing being present and I will say that I know I've gotten better at it.
So what does being present look like?  First, I think we have to realize that there are three different stages of time we can focus on:  past, present and future.  When we focus on the past, that looks like wishing things could have been different, regretting that we didn't handle something better or wishing we could go back to a "better" time in our life, that we could have something back that is gone or being angry about things done to us.  The problem with past thinking is that we are focused on something that cannot change. It keeps us from accepting reality in the present. Whatever it is, it is in the past.  Past thinking can lead to depression.
Future thinking can look like worrying about an upcoming event, stressing about something we need to do later, worrying that things will go wrong or dreaming of great things to come. I'm not saying we shouldn't set goals or have dreams. But the truth is, we can't control the future.  We can do things that have an impact on the future, but they may change the future in ways we were not anticipating.  Or they may not change things at all.  Sometimes dreaming about what we want the future to look like keeps us from doing something now. Future thinking tends to create anxiety for us and can lead to us missing life right now.
Being present focused is simply focusing on what is happening right now, in this moment....around us, inside of us... thoughts, feelings and actions.
It is inevitable that we will think about time in all three aspects.  We cannot completely stop ourselves from thinking about the past or future.  However, with practice we can focus more on the present, which is really the only time that counts because it's the only time we can really do something about.
Let me end this post with the benefits I've noticed from practicing being present.  The first benefit I've noticed is increased enjoyment.  Whether that's enjoying the sights, smells, tastes, sounds around me or enjoying being with myself or the people I'm with.  Second, I've found it reduces stress.  When I don't focus on mistakes of the past or worry about the future, that right there is a lot of stress reduction.  I can take a deep breath and do something in the now.  Third, I have better relationships.  When you really commit yourself to being with someone...listening to them, recognizing feelings you have towards them...you can't help but be a better father, mother or friend.  You have better conversations.  You have stronger connections.  The last benefit I have noticed is that I tend to get more things done.  I don't procrastinate as much.  About a year ago, I had noticed that I would often tell myself "I don't have enough time..." and this led to putting off a lot of tasks.  Even mundane tasks.  I made a commitment that if a task took 5 minutes to do I would not put it off to a later time.  After practicing that for a while, I decided to see how many things I could do in one minute. I was amazed at the results! So many tasks in a day take a minute to do or 2 minutes to do and by putting them off they would pile up and I would get overwhelmed.  By taking a minute or two minutes to do what needed to be done, whether that was to take the trash out, send a text, wipe off a counter, or pay a bill, I found that I was accomplishing much more in a day than I would otherwise.

As with any endeavor in life, there is no magical formula but rather consistent practice that makes a difference.
In the words of daughter #3.....Be present...this is how memories are made

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Love Rescue Me

Several events in my life over the past month have got me reflecting.  As I was driving to work today, I cued up the song Love Rescue Me by U2 on my phone to listen to.  This song was and will always be an important song to me as it helped me at a transitional time in my life.  I was living away at college and in many aspects I was shut down and walled off. Now, I realize that when you are 19/20 years old it is completely normal to not fully understand who you are and what that means.  However, hiding behind walls tends to make it a bit more difficult to see that vision.  "I'm here without a name, in the palace of my shame" hit me with such force because it was describing me.  I completely connected with that phrase.  I knew that I didn't want to live life hiding, but I didn't know how to do it another way.  Life had gotten out in front of me and I didn't see a way for me to catch up or better yet get ahead of life.  So, I took myself out of the race. This song, however, gave me an answer I had long been looking for and desperately needed. The answer: love.
As I've been thinking of this particular time in my life, I remembered some friends I made while I was away at college.  One was on the college football team and the other was his roommate.  I had a couple of classes with them and crossed paths with them often on campus.  I recognized them when I saw them, but I never spoke to them or even acknowledged them.  One day as we were sitting in Creative Writing, I sat directly in front of the one and kiddy-corner from the other, the one behind me decided it was time to introduce himself and his friend.  Needless to say, I was not real open to their unusual way of making an introduction.  A couple nights later, they showed up at my apartment.  I was shocked to see them standing at the door when it was opened and said something like "what are you doing here?"  It was beyond me that complete strangers would want to get to know me.  Fortunately, my roommates had better social graces than I and invited them in.  As I got to know them better over that year, they bravely asked me why I was so guarded.  They had gotten to see past the hardened exterior and wanted to know why I had that exterior in the first place.  At that point in my life, I think I was somewhat aware of it, but not fully and had definitely never had a conversation about it or been asked about it. They came to term it my "stern and business-like side" and would let me know when they saw it surfacing. Because of their kind yet blunt feedback, I got to know more about this side of me and realized it really wasn't who I was or how I wanted to be.  I realized it came from a place of pain, fear, insecurity and self-doubt. 
What I also began to learn is that underneath the pain, fear, insecurity and self-doubt was a very real layer of loneliness.  I also began to catch a glimpse of what lay under the layer of loneliness and that was a very vast reservoir of love.  As the lyrics state "Love rescue me, come forth and speak to me, raise me up and don't let me fall.  No man is my enemy, my own hands imprison me, Love rescue me."  My loneliness, my fear, my insecurities were getting in the way of and blocking my ability to both love and to receive love. They had imprisoned me.  Once I realized this, I knew something had to change....so I began.  I wasn't sure what I needed to do, or what the "finished product" would look like, but I began.  I decided I didn't have to have a specific vision of what I needed it to look like.  The last lyrics of the song "I've conquered my past, the future is here at last.  I stand at the entrance to a new world I can see.  The ruins to the right of me, will soon have lost sight of me.  Love rescue me" became a guidepost for me.  I headed in that direction.  Away from the ruins I was currently standing in.  
I haven't reached the end of my journey, nor do I believe I ever will.  What I have learned is that our entire life is a journey.  Most days, I enjoy the journey and have patience with myself as I continue to move in a forward direction.  At times, I get sidetracked,  "in the cold mirror of a glass, I see my reflection pass.  See the dark shades of what I used to be."  Sometimes, the fear, insecurity, pain and self-doubt come back and the walls I've worked hard to tear down go back up quickly.  At times, I stop traveling and forget what I have already learned.  This is when I have to remind myself to let love rescue me. I have an immense ability to love, as I believe we all do. Sometimes I have to get out of my own way so it can come forth. I have learned I am the best version of myself when I am living from a place of love. I am more creative, gentle, understanding, funny and forgiving.  Love is powerful. The power of love is transforming. Love rescue me!