How Do I Respond to Failure?

I don't know anybody who enjoys losing. I don't know anybody who at some point in their life hasn't been afraid to fail. All of us can fall prey to the little chicken running around warning that the sky is falling. These seem to be common human experiences. However, when we take a minute to breathe, step back and look at history, there seems to be something that separates the winners from the losers; and it doesn't seem to be determined merely by the outcome. Attitude, it would seem, plays a critical part.
As I said, nobody enjoys losing.  However, failure can inspire winners.  If you hate losing, then allow that to motivate you.  One story from history that illustrates this point is of Xenophon, the Greek historian, philosopher, soldier and mercenary, who was being pursued by a huge army of Persians.  He and his men had to take a stand on a hillside. One of his generals stated that he didn't think it was a good location to make their stand.  The general pointed out that there was a cliff behind them and there would be no way to retreat if they needed to.  Xenophon told his general, “Exactly!  We welcome the cliff.  In fact, here is what we are going to do.  We are going to march our armies so their backs are directly to the cliff, that way the Persians will know that we can never retreat and our men will know that retreat is not an option.  
One of my favorite quotes from one of my all time favorite books To Kill A Mockingbird also illustrates this point of allowing the chance of failure to motivate you.  As you may recall the main story takes place during three years of the Great Depression in the fictional "tired old town" of Maycomb, Alabama. It focuses on six-year-old Scout Finch, who lives with her older brother Jem and their widowed father Atticus, a middle-aged lawyer. Atticus is appointed by the court to defend Tom Robinson, a black man who has been accused of raping a young white woman, Mayella Ewell. Although many of Maycomb's citizens disapprove, Atticus agrees to defend Tom. As persecution increases and the trial approaches Atticus teaches his children: "real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway. And you see it through no matter what.  You rarely win, but sometimes you do." 
I believe there is a difference between hating to lose and being afraid to lose. If there is a fear of losing, that is usually associated with a belief that losing says something about you personally.  It may tap into some of our negative core scripts about not being good enough, not getting it right, being a failure rather than experiencing failure.  These fears or doubts make us shrink, not try at all or paralyze us from acting or moving forward.  Simply put, failure inspires winners and defeats losers. If you are reading this and find that the fear of failure has been prevalent in your life, that indicates some unresolved work that needs to be done so that you are no longer at the mercy of fear. 
The author Robert Kiyosaki uses the example of The Alamo to illustrate another way that we can respond to failure.  The story of the Alamo is a story of brave people who chose to fight knowing there was no hope for success.  They chose to die rather than surrender.  It was a tragic military defeat.  Yet, rather than burying the failure or hoping it will pass and nobody will remember, Texans chose to turn it into a rallying cry..."Remember the Alamo!"  Do we turn loss into a rallying cry?  Does it inspire us?  Do we become more determined?  Do we practice harder? Study more?  John D. Rockefeller is quoted as saying "turn every disaster into an opportunity."   
Another way that fear of failure can play out in our life is playing not to lose rather than playing to win.  I've mentioned before that three of my daughters play competitive soccer.  (Soccer is a big part of our family life and so I may talk about it more than once.) My 14 year old daughter was on a team several years ago that played not to lose.  As a result, they didn't win very many games.  At best, they tied and it was only if they were lucky that they won.  This particular daughter was born with adult sized energy into a 6lb. 5oz body.  Soccer has been a great way for her to channel her energy....and she loves to play soccer. She plays with a focus and determination that is inspiring.  If she is focused on moving that ball forward and getting a shot, it's hard to stop her from doing just that.  Her coach at that time however, played not to lose. Because she has no fear on the field and isn't afraid to be aggressive, he played her as a defensive player most of the game.  If the other team got a goal in, he would then move her up as an offensive player until she scored....and then he would move her back to defense.  It was frustrating for her to play this way.  Her coach was right that she helped strengthen the defense, however, having a strong defense and a weak offense didn't win games.   
As I said, I don't know anybody who enjoys losing, and yet everybody I know has experienced it. It seems to be part of the human experience.  If this is true, it would seem that the key to failing is to do it right. If you win, make it big.  If you lose, make it spectacular!    
  

Principles of Resilience

My daughter said to me the other day "Mom, how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?"  I smiled and said "how many?"  She responded "one, but the light bulb has to really want to change."
My chosen profession is therapy.  I am a therapist.  I specialize in working with addictions...specifically with sex addiction.  On a daily basis, I hear stories of pain, agony and loss.  My job is to help individuals transform their pain, agony and loss into something meaningful.  This is the essence of resiliency.
A couple of years ago I decided to become certified as a sex addiction therapist (CSAT).  It took me a year to complete this certification and was one of the best decisions I have made in my career thus far. Becoming a CSAT changed me as a person and therefore as a therapist.  I trained under Dr. Patrick Carnes, who is a pioneer in the field of sexual addiction recovery, as well as other remarkable professionals who I feel blessed to count as colleagues.  There are so many things I learned in my year of certification.  One that I want to focus on today are the principles of resilience.
Our society often teaches that when bad things happen it's best to grit your teeth and push through.  Some might add just don't talk about it or don't think about it.  It turns out, however, it doesn't work like that.  And there is much more to recovery and resilience than just getting through.  When something bad happens, people fall apart.  Not just weak people, but strong people too.  Our initial response is to despair.  That despair can lead us into addictions or numbing behaviors as a means of escape.  It can lead us to denial as a way to protect ourselves from seeing the pain of reality.  (There's a reason it's called the "sweet voice of denial").  Or after our initial despair, we can pick ourselves up off the floor and start down the road of resiliency.
The first principle of resilience is Acceptance.  Putting off dealing with adversity and sorrow actually delays healing and recovery.  M. Scott Peck made an interesting statement, he said "mental health is the pursuit of reality at all costs." Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to acknowledge what is real.  However, when we acknowledge reality, only then are we able to do something about it.
The second principle is Predictability. There is a large body of research stating that adverse stress is less likely when a challenging event is predictable.  Life is hard....and that is predictable.  We will always have stressors and challenges.  One of the things that I learned from Dr. Carnes is that recovery or resilience is much like training for athletes.  Olympic competitors or professional athletes know that to succeed, they will experience great stress.  Therefore, what they do is train for it.  They work every day to prepare for the stressful event, be it a game or tournament.  Each day, they build their strength, push themselves to improve their skills and practice strategies for winning.  Athletes also "cross train" so that the demands on one muscle set doesn't become too much.  They also find regular patterns of rest.  They take care of themselves. Training every day for the stressors or challenges that will come to us helps us cultivate resilience.
The third principle of resilience is Controllability.  Nobody can control every aspect of a challenging event.  However, we also know that having a sense of control generally leads to more positive results.  This is where knowing and respecting what our limits are as well as knowing what choices we do have becomes important.  The serenity prayer that is recited so often in recovery God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference helps us in our ability to adapt and be resilient. When we recognize what it is that we can change and act on a plan the result is a life of our own creating.   Otherwise, our life would be based on the expectations of others or the result of a life lived with blinders on. Integrity often comes down to taking responsibility for what we can do and having an awareness of our impact on others.
The fourth principle of resilience is Trust. Trust plays a critical role in withstanding adversity.  Trust provides a positive expectation from the people, systems or organizations in which we interact with and includes integrity, dependability, responsibility and competency. Trust is built through experience and includes certain expectations like families will be faithful, the parachute will open, I will make it through etc. Trust also includes allowing others to meet our needs and accepting more than what is needed in order to build reserves.
The fifth principle of resilience is Relationship. Relationships are critical for cultivating resilience.  With strong, healthy relationships individuals and groups can thrive despite profound challenges.  I have three daughters that play on competitive soccer teams.  The coach of my 15yo has worked for years on teaching them to play as a team.  He has talked to them over and over about the importance of talking to each other while they are out on the field and of letting the team member with the ball know what it is that they see.  The team member with the ball is focused on the task at hand and therefore may not see the larger picture of what is happening on the field.  If nobody on the team tells her "man on" or "you've got time" he would often ask the team "Why don't you like her?  Why aren't you helping her? Why are you expecting her to do this on her own?"  Resilient people surround themselves with people who believe in them.  They also surround themselves with people who are often more competent than they are and they give those individuals credit for their accomplishments.  This allows for growth and creates an atmosphere where success is encouraged and supported.
The last principle of resilience is Meaning.  People fare better when they know why they are doing what they are doing. The ability to take anything and pull purpose, meaning and growth from it is a critical skill in resilience.  There is a saying in the big book from 12 steps that says "nothing is wasted". I love this concept. I love the idea that whatever I go through, whatever comes my way, whatever amount of time is spent on the journey through, it need not be wasted.  If it adds to my life experience, if I learn  a lesson from it, if I grow stronger as a result, if I am wiser moving forward, if I become softer and more compassionate then it holds valuable meaning for me.  In this way, every challenge encountered holds untold potential and that is exciting!

Journey On!

Two Kinds of People

Last year Daughter #2 was a freshman.  She took some honors classes and had a difficult school schedule, along with playing on a competitive soccer team.  There were many times she would stress about upcoming projects or tests, homework that needed to be completed and the nagging feeling that often accompanied her that she never had enough time to do all that was required of her. Her soccer coach, who was not only a great coach, but also a wonderful mentor, had a saying that he would often tell the team:  there are two kinds of people....those who succeed and those who find reasons they can't.  
This became something I picked up from her coach and would often repeat to her at times when she found herself overwhelmed.  Many times it was frustrating for her when she would be complaining and telling me all the reasons things were not going to work out or how impossible the situation was and I would respond with "there are two kinds of people".  Usually, I didn't even have to finish the rest of the statement because she knew what I was saying to her.
Of course, we also had many conversations where I told her that I wanted her to come talk to me about her feelings, her frustrations, her worries and her doubts.  My telling her there are two kinds of people was not a way to shut down the conversation or to invalidate what she was feeling.  Many of her feelings were valid and legitimate.  However, at the end of our conversation, she had a choice to make.  And often that choice had to do with which attitude she was going to choose.
I believe that our mind is a very powerful tool we have been given.  As with most powerful tools, we are required to learn how to use it in a way that helps us rather than hurts us. Our mind, when used right can help us find solutions to problems.  When we say phrases like "I can't" or "that won't work", or "that is impossible" we let our brain off the hook and it perceives the job is done.  However, when we ask instead "how am I going to make this work?" the brain is tasked with finding a solution to the problem.  Often we find that we are capable of doing far more than we thought possible.  How many times have you said to yourself something like "I can't do this one more day" only to find that the truth is you can do it one more day. Sometimes you may look at all the tasks the upcoming week holds and think "I'm never going to make it through this week" again, to find that you do make it through.
I believe that it is our discomfort with discomfort that leads to saying I can't. When we become comfortable being uncomfortable we are then able to do things we didn't know we were capable of.  It leads to a merging of action and awareness.  For example, most of us when we first started to ride a bike started off wobbly, we felt it was risky and we had an awareness that we could fall and get hurt.  As we continued to ride and got better at it, we stopped thinking about falling.  We were no longer wobbly and it didn't feel very risky.  We had an awareness of our ability to do the task at hand. And we were aware that we could do it well. When we are engaged in activities that require our effort, our focus and our skill we open ourselves up to the process of growth.
A couple of weeks ago I was in our kitchen talking with my husband about how busy my upcoming week was.  Between my work schedule, work projects, family schedule, home projects I was feeling a bit overwhelmed.  Daughter #2 seized the opportunity....smiled at me and said "two kinds of people!"