It Is What It Is

This morning my husband and I dropped off daughter #1 at the airport to go to Taiwan for five weeks as part of an exchange program.  She will be traveling with 15 other students from across the Wasatch Front here in Utah.  As a parent, I'm excited for her. I'm nervous and I'm anxious.
A couple of months ago when we found out that she had been accepted and would be going, I had a wave of panic hit me.  This is the kid that it seems only yesterday I was dropping off to preschool and convincing her she was brave enough to stay without me.  This is the kid that just learned to write her name and was so proud of herself she wrote it 10 times in black sharpie on our family room floor....yes on a nice canvas of carpet.
As can often happen, I had a flood of what I call mother doubt wash over me.  Have I done right by her?  Have I taught her well? Is she prepared for this world? Did I do enough?Can I have a redo?  When this happens to me it is easy to get caught up in anxiety about the future.  Or to mull over the past and find all the times when I messed up or to feel a sense of sorrow or remorse for what I wish I would have done instead.  Getting stuck in past or future thinking can be dangerous.  I know this...I've learned from personal experience.  This time, however, I remembered what I have learned from personal experience:  It is what it is.  When I let go of past regrets and let go of future worries, I am able to be in the present....which is the only time that really counts.  As I got present with myself, I realized that before I know it, daughter #1 will graduate high school and head off to college....soon to be followed by daughter #2, then daughter #3 and not too far behind daughter #4.  I was tempted at this realization to head straight back to future worrying.  Instead, I asked myself this question.....When I look back on this time of my life, this time when all four girls are still living at home, what will I wish I would have done?  The answer came rather quickly and easily.  I would wish that I would have hugged and kissed my girls more.  Nothing too big. I knew I could start that right now. And looking back, I think it will be big.
When my girls were babies and toddlers, I hugged and kissed them all the time.  As they've gotten older (17, 15, 13 and 10 years old) I've noticed the hugs and kisses have decreased.  How did that happen? I love them just as much.  And I don't think their need to be hugged and kissed and loved has lessened.  I know that growing up, my family was not very affectionate with each other.  We loved each other, just not with physical affection.  As adults, we are attempting to change that.  We have made efforts to make improvements around this.  I have to admit, it wasn't me that started the change, but I appreciate my siblings who did and am happy we are making the change. One of the things I am learning with age, is that in the end, it is really all about love.  Learning to love and loving, that's what it comes down to for me.  Since this is something that doesn't come "naturally" for me, it's something I really have to be mindful about and put effort into.  I can't tell you how many times I have felt love for somebody close to me, even thought about sharing what I have felt and thought....and then quickly talked myself out of saying anything once I saw them.
So I started.  I made a conscious effort to hug and kiss each one of my girls every day.  I thought for sure they would say something...like..."what are you doing?"  Guess what?....not one of them has said anything.  However, I find that they reach for me more often. They come to me just as much as I go to them to give a hug and kiss before they head out the door.  I can't slow down time. I can't have a redo. But I can start doing now what I will wish I had.