Over the years, I have had the opportunity to have some wonderful, wise and compassionate teachers enter my life and teach me valuable lessons and shape my life for good. I have to say, however, that the most consistent teacher I have had is life itself. Life is a great teacher; not always the most gentle or kind teacher, but a great teacher nonetheless. Several years ago, I decided to start compiling a list of lessons that life has taught me or lessons life has taught others that they have shared with me, my own personal life rule book. I must confess, part of my motivation behind compiling the list was the idea that if I wrote it down and put it on paper, then life wouldn't have to keep teaching me some of the same lessons over and over. That didn't exactly work out the way I was hoping, but I do have some pretty insightful lists.
In the relationship category, rule #7 on my list is default to forgiveness rather than resentment. When I hold resentment towards another person, it is almost always linked to my idea of who I believe that person should be, or who I want them to be or who I need them to be. The resentment comes from my own resistance in accepting them as is. In practicing to default to forgiveness rather than resentment, I am allowing others their own story, their own process and allowing them space to be imperfect. When I fully accept another person, I do my best to see them with love and understanding without applying my own expectations.
I firmly believe that all behavior makes sense. If it doesn't make sense, we simply don't know enough of the story to understand the behavior. However, we often concoct stories or draw conclusions about other people's behaviors without fully understanding their story. You may believe, for example, that your neighbor is arrogant and unfriendly because she doesn't acknowledge you when you see her. If, however, you find out that your neighbor has been contemplating a divorce and recently lost her mother, you might think differently. Accepting others is all about allowing someone else the space to be who they are without putting our interpretations and judgments on top. The story we tell ourselves about other people's behavior may have little connection to reality; and yet we can become completely convinced of its accuracy.
So what does defaulting to forgiveness look like? First, we have to accept that forgiveness is rooted in our ability to let go of our treasured fantasies and accept reality as it is, and not as we wish it to be. When we truly accept reality, we loosen our grasp to the story in our heads and instead, embrace the facts without judgment. We may find that often our stories about other people are full of misinterpretations and exaggerations. I think it is taking a nonjudgmental stance whenever possible. It looks like mindfully avoiding the temptation to keep score. It's giving the benefit of the doubt. I think it is extraordinarily rare that anyone acts out of a desire to deliberately hurt another person. Most often when we hurt others, it's because we are acting out of our pain and are being mindless of the impact on others. It's the saying...hurt people hurt people.
Alan Downs, in his book The Velvet Rage, uses the phrase "contempt before investigation." This phrase struck me because it describes how I sometimes operate in the world. I assume that another person has an ill intent toward me when they may have no such thing in mind. When I default to ideas of contempt before investigating the true reasons for another's behavior, it usually doesnt work out well for me. Even if I am right and somebody is striking out against me, living life believing or being on guard that others are out to get me is no way to live. When I walk through the world expecting others to be perfect, I am only setting myself up for a miserable existence. When I choose to see life through the lens that says "we're all doing the best we can," I can allow others the space to be themselves and am usually given the same in return.
What lessons has life taught you?
No comments:
Post a Comment