Peace is Heroic

When I was young, Tuesday was my favorite day of the week.  You know how it is when you're a kid...you have to know your list of "favorites".  Blue was my favorite color, although my sister whom I shared a bedroom with won out and our bedroom was decorated in yellow & orange.  My favorite candy was red licorice nibs, my favorite food was cheese enchiladas from a restaurant in town, my favorite TV show was Laverne & Shirley and my favorite day of the week was Tuesday.  However, as I learned at a young age, things don't always go our way....hence the yellow & orange bedroom rather than a blue one.  But when things do go our way, it's a good day! 
The definition of what makes a day good can vary.  Maybe it's finding a front parking spot.  Maybe it's winning tickets to a concert. Perhaps it's having a good hair day and a clear complexion.  When things "go" our way, it feels good.  We feel at peace with the universe.  But what about the days when we can't find any good parking spot, our hair just isn't doing what we want it to and I drop my smoothie right after buying it only to have it splash all over the shirt I just ironed?  What about those days? Virginia Woolf said "you cannot find peace by avoiding life." The truth is, peace is easy to project when life is naturally peaceful. Unfortunately, everybody has bad days. Sometimes we find ourselves in hostile territory. In life, we all hit times of turbulence and turmoil.  For me, peace is most disrupted when somebody personally attacks me, invites me into an argument or says something hurtful.  During turbulent times, peace becomes heroic.
Peace becomes heroic when there's turmoil around you and when there's turmoil within you. It would be easier to withdraw or run and hide. Sometimes it's easier to let ourselves turn into a mean and nasty version in order to protect and defend. Sometimes it's easier to betray our self in order to please our critic. These are the times when an opportunity to truly be heroic presents itself to us. So, how do we find peace during turbulent times? Here's a few tips on how to step into your personal power and restore peace when the debris is flying.
1.  Let yourself fully feel the emotion. Don't rush pass this. Don't judge or analyze the emotion. Simply allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you're feeling. Don't get stuck in the emotion. Just feel it fully.....and let it pass.
2.  Peace begins with a smile. I'm not talking about the kind of smile we paint on the outside when we are really hurting on the inside. Practicing self-compassion at this moment is key. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Attune to your true self, not the one being thrown about by the turbulence.
3.  Start breathing. As you inhale and exhale, fill your breaths with affirmations. One of my frequent affirmations is "I love myself anyway". If this doesn't work for you, find one that does.
4.  Choose love. This step will take you really close to your core self. This step will require some work on your part. This is the step where we shift our feelings and thoughts from fear or anger to love. Refer back to your favorite quotes, favorite scripture passages, your personal standards of truth. Remind yourself who you truly are.
5.  Face the truth you fear. Own the part you've played in this story. Fix what you can. Surrender what you can't. Get right with yourself and with others, if possible.

The Problem with Self-Esteem

We've all heard about the importance of good self-esteem.  That everything that happens to us is a reflection of what we believe about ourselves.  That we cannot outperform our own level of self-esteem.  That we cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.  Self-esteem starts with a global evaluation of our self-worth....all the different parts of ourselves...and ends with a judgment.  We decide after considering all the parts of ourselves whether we are good and worthy or if we are bad and undeserving.  From this perspective, self-esteem is almost always set up to be comparative in nature.  How I esteem myself to be will correlate with how I perceive others to be.  If, perhaps I am doing better, then all is good.  However, if somebody else is really rocking their zone....then I must be bad. 
Another thing I've noticed about self-esteem is that you have to be "above average" in order to have it.  I mean, come on, when was the last time you felt flattered when somebody told you that you were "average"?  When I was in college, if had gotten a paper back with AVERAGE written across the top, I would have been devastated.  If I overheard somebody describe me as "ok" or "alright", I would not consider it a compliment.  This need to be above average creates all sorts of problems.  I'm not a math whiz, but lets just imagine the mathematical complications that exist if EVERYBODY has to be above average in order to have self-esteem.  Do we really think people will volunteer to be in the AVERAGE or BELOW AVERAGE categories?
Another problem with self-esteem is having too much self-esteem.  We used to think that it was impossible to have too much self-esteem.  Until we learned that you can actually have too much self-esteem and it's not a good thing.  Currently, we have higher levels of narcissism than ever before.  This has been directly linked back to the surge of self-esteem teaching that occurred in the school system.  We also are experiencing an epidemic of bullying, which stems from the need to be stronger, more powerful and better than others.  Prejudice, which has been around for far too long, is also linked to self-esteem.  Prejudice is a need to set ourselves apart and to set ourselves above others who we perceive as different than us. Another problem with self-esteem, as if there aren't already enough, is that it is contingent on success.  If all turns out well then we have self-esteem and if it doesn't then we don't.  The problem with this is that we all make mistakes.  This view of self-esteem doesn't allow for us to be human and imperfect. 
Self-esteem replaced by SELF-COMPASSION tends to avoid the pitfalls of self-esteem and has proven benefits for our human spirit. 
Self-compassion has to do with how we relate with ourselves and involves three components:
1.  Self-kindness: we all know how to be kind with others, but do we show that same kindness to ourselves?  Do we treat ourselves with gentleness, patience, compassion, mercy and charity?
2.  Common Humanity: rather than focusing on how I am better or worse than others, lets focus on how we are the same.  What do we have in common? how can we come together?  One of the most psychologically damaging emotions we experience as humans is isolation.  When we share with others and allow others to share with us there is a connection that is forged that lifts the human spirit and allows us to feel like we are part of something bigger. I am not alone. Whether good or bad happens to me, I am part of something bigger. 
3.  Mindfulness: this involves being attentive, aware of or careful with ourselves.  It is listening to and honoring our own emotions, our struggles and our difficulties.  I talk about this more in my post Honor Your Season. 

By practicing self-compassion, we keep our hearts open to ourselves.  When our hearts are open to ourselves it leads to our hearts being open to others. 

What has practicing self-compassion opened in your heart?