A little over a month ago my mom passed away unexpectedly. It was December 30, 2014. She was planning to have a sleepover with her grandkids that night. It was just a regular day and I had no idea the twist that was about to happen. I called my mom from work at 2:00 to tell her that my kids would be a little late for the sleepover. Just 15 minutes late. We talked on the phone for 5-10 minutes about nothing in particular. I had no idea that by 3:00pm she would be found unconscious in her home by my younger brother. He called 911 but she never regained consciousness and was pronounced dead at 3:54pm.
My mom and I had a complicated relationship. We didn't always see eye to eye. We had our ups and downs but over the past two years we were making peace with each other and learning to see past our differences. I don't have regrets about the path our relationship took. It was what it was.
As I left the hospital and was driving home the words of the song from Les Miserables came to my mind: "to love another person is to see the face of God". I believe that it is easy to love somebody when they are lovely. But to have love for somebody who has let you down, hurt you, disappointed you and fallen short of who you wanted them to be...who you needed them to be...well I think that is Godly. It is Godly because it is so much bigger than me, than her, than what was and what wasn't. And I can accept that. My mom didn't have an easy life. She did the best she could, but was hurt by many things...mostly my dad and the loss of what she hoped to have. And as the saying goes "hurt people, hurt people."
Thomas Merton in his book No Man is an Island says "The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them."
It has been a long and difficult month since her passing. I have found that sadness is a familiar companion. There's a game I find myself playing. I pretend that I can replay special days of my life. Certain characteristics show through as I flip through my favorite memories of my mom....the image of her walking towards me with a chair to join me on the sideline of my girls soccer game. Her recounting endless details of a story that aren't all that important. Her curiosity and love of learning. Watching her write in her journal or talking about books we both had read. It is so easy for me to play back some of my fondest memories. When I play this game, it reminds me that no matter how good those memories were, certain moments are gone forever. When I was a girl, I watched my mom and adopted the bits and pieces of her that fit me. The talks and struggles we have had through this journey of our lives together have a great deal to do with the values I cherish as an adult and the person I have become. I truly believe that nothing in this life is wasted. Leaving the hospital that night, I felt like I could let go of so much and walk away with the memories I choose to keep of her.
Love is complicated, and yet our job is to love others without stopping to question whether or not they are worthy of that love. It's not our judgment to make. What we are asked to do is to love. To soften ourselves, our hurts and disappointments and to love. It is a life saving pursuit.
I love you mom!
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Creating a Meaningful Life
If you haven't noticed lately, the world we live in is draining! We rush through our days with barely a moment of sanity. In a conversation I had with a colleague the other day, I found myself saying--"just send a text...it's so much quicker than email." As I walked away from this conversation I thought about what I'd said and thought "really? When did our world become so fast paced that email is now too slow?"
Even if you hate the pace of the world, you get caught up in it. You feel like you're not doing enough unless every moment is filled with activity. And not just one activity, we multitask! We read email while on the phone or in meetings. We make lists while sitting in class. We text and talk on the phone while driving (even though we know we shouldn't). We think of what we still need to do while talking to others. We wear our busyness like a badge of honor and good manners have gone out the window!
The effect of all of this is draining...body, soul and spirit. And when we are drained we are vulnerable! Vulnerable first to temptation. Isn't it somewhere in the mid-afternoon slump when you most easily turn to crud you normally don't eat? For me, it's when I'm fried at the end of a frantic day when I loose my patience with my kids and snap at my spouse. I find that when my soul is empty, I'm open to any kind of relief. And that is always the moment my "gremlins" step forward offering momentary comfort. I don't give way to despair when I'm having an awesome day, I fold when I'm at my ropes end. I don't drop my guard right after a wonderful time of worship and meditation; I drop my guard when I am just too tired to care. It is when I am drained that I get overwhelmed, worn down and turn on myself and others or simply retreat.
But I don't want to live with life ahead of me and me just running to catch up. I don't want to give my soul over to busyness. I don't want to fold under discouragement or any other lie I fall prey to. So how do we get out in front of our lives? How do we mindfully create a life of meaning? Here are some things I've been doing that I find make a difference.
1. Get some measure of silence and solitude every day. Even just 15 minutes makes a difference. For me, this requires stopping and paying attention.
2. Take in truth. We live in a world where things are not always as they seem. It is refreshing to my soul and my spirit to hear and recognize truth. Notice I didn't say this is easy. It isn't always easy, but it is replenishing.
3. Connecting with God/Higher Power. Pray, meditate, talk out loud....whatever works for you. Simply get connected with God asking to be filled with His love and strength throughout the day.
4. Decrease the constant stimulus of media. Whether that's driving without the radio or anything on, turning off email notifications, silencing the cell phone and not answering every text or call at the time it comes.
5. Look for God's love or His hand in my life everyday. I don't believe in coincidence or luck. I believe it's God's love. God made the world for the delight of us--His children. Take the time to see His goodness everywhere, His concern for us, His awareness of our needs. As we open and connect with the world around us, we are also able to connect to a larger life purpose...one in which we have a role. We may not understand that role, but we can begin to live it. We begin to trust that good things will come to us as part of our relationship with a Higher Power and with others who have earned that place in our lives, and that trust brings comfort.
6. Choose love. One of the most spiritual things we can do is embrace our humanity--our struggles and imperfections--and allow others to do the same.
7. Find something to smile about, laugh about or be grateful for everyday. As E.E. Cummings said: The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. There are plenty of things to be serious about, sad about, stressed about. We need to make sure to make room for smiling, laughing and gratitude.
8. Drink in beauty in some form everyday. Get open to the beauty in the world around you, the sounds, the sights, the smells....the beauty. When I do this, I'm not focused on the past or the future. I'm not focused on work. Anxiety begins to drop away. I see and touch and smell and hear creation. I might notice the light coming through the trees. I might notice the breeze on my skin. I might notice the sound of birds or the touch of human skin. I might notice the smell of fresh cut grass. I notice colors, the textures. Take them in! Allow them to penetrate to your soul.
9. Connect with people that are important. Say I love you, I'm sorry, I'm proud of you, you're important to me, I appreciate you. Whatever it is that you're feeling....embrace your truth and speak it! Share it!
10. Live in the now, the present, the moment. Sometimes we get hung up on nostalgia. We talk about the "good ole days". We think that yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was. I would advise, from my own personal experience, not to wait 10 years before admitting today is great!
Remember at the end of the day, it's all about love. Hang in there. Spread love!
Even if you hate the pace of the world, you get caught up in it. You feel like you're not doing enough unless every moment is filled with activity. And not just one activity, we multitask! We read email while on the phone or in meetings. We make lists while sitting in class. We text and talk on the phone while driving (even though we know we shouldn't). We think of what we still need to do while talking to others. We wear our busyness like a badge of honor and good manners have gone out the window!
The effect of all of this is draining...body, soul and spirit. And when we are drained we are vulnerable! Vulnerable first to temptation. Isn't it somewhere in the mid-afternoon slump when you most easily turn to crud you normally don't eat? For me, it's when I'm fried at the end of a frantic day when I loose my patience with my kids and snap at my spouse. I find that when my soul is empty, I'm open to any kind of relief. And that is always the moment my "gremlins" step forward offering momentary comfort. I don't give way to despair when I'm having an awesome day, I fold when I'm at my ropes end. I don't drop my guard right after a wonderful time of worship and meditation; I drop my guard when I am just too tired to care. It is when I am drained that I get overwhelmed, worn down and turn on myself and others or simply retreat.
But I don't want to live with life ahead of me and me just running to catch up. I don't want to give my soul over to busyness. I don't want to fold under discouragement or any other lie I fall prey to. So how do we get out in front of our lives? How do we mindfully create a life of meaning? Here are some things I've been doing that I find make a difference.
1. Get some measure of silence and solitude every day. Even just 15 minutes makes a difference. For me, this requires stopping and paying attention.
2. Take in truth. We live in a world where things are not always as they seem. It is refreshing to my soul and my spirit to hear and recognize truth. Notice I didn't say this is easy. It isn't always easy, but it is replenishing.
3. Connecting with God/Higher Power. Pray, meditate, talk out loud....whatever works for you. Simply get connected with God asking to be filled with His love and strength throughout the day.
4. Decrease the constant stimulus of media. Whether that's driving without the radio or anything on, turning off email notifications, silencing the cell phone and not answering every text or call at the time it comes.
5. Look for God's love or His hand in my life everyday. I don't believe in coincidence or luck. I believe it's God's love. God made the world for the delight of us--His children. Take the time to see His goodness everywhere, His concern for us, His awareness of our needs. As we open and connect with the world around us, we are also able to connect to a larger life purpose...one in which we have a role. We may not understand that role, but we can begin to live it. We begin to trust that good things will come to us as part of our relationship with a Higher Power and with others who have earned that place in our lives, and that trust brings comfort.
6. Choose love. One of the most spiritual things we can do is embrace our humanity--our struggles and imperfections--and allow others to do the same.
7. Find something to smile about, laugh about or be grateful for everyday. As E.E. Cummings said: The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. There are plenty of things to be serious about, sad about, stressed about. We need to make sure to make room for smiling, laughing and gratitude.
8. Drink in beauty in some form everyday. Get open to the beauty in the world around you, the sounds, the sights, the smells....the beauty. When I do this, I'm not focused on the past or the future. I'm not focused on work. Anxiety begins to drop away. I see and touch and smell and hear creation. I might notice the light coming through the trees. I might notice the breeze on my skin. I might notice the sound of birds or the touch of human skin. I might notice the smell of fresh cut grass. I notice colors, the textures. Take them in! Allow them to penetrate to your soul.
9. Connect with people that are important. Say I love you, I'm sorry, I'm proud of you, you're important to me, I appreciate you. Whatever it is that you're feeling....embrace your truth and speak it! Share it!
10. Live in the now, the present, the moment. Sometimes we get hung up on nostalgia. We talk about the "good ole days". We think that yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was. I would advise, from my own personal experience, not to wait 10 years before admitting today is great!
Remember at the end of the day, it's all about love. Hang in there. Spread love!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Peace is Heroic
When I was young, Tuesday was my favorite day of the week. You know how it is when you're a kid...you have to know your list of "favorites". Blue was my favorite color, although my sister whom I shared a bedroom with won out and our bedroom was decorated in yellow & orange. My favorite candy was red licorice nibs, my favorite food was cheese enchiladas from a restaurant in town, my favorite TV show was Laverne & Shirley and my favorite day of the week was Tuesday. However, as I learned at a young age, things don't always go our way....hence the yellow & orange bedroom rather than a blue one. But when things do go our way, it's a good day!
The definition of what makes a day good can vary. Maybe it's finding a front parking spot. Maybe it's winning tickets to a concert. Perhaps it's having a good hair day and a clear complexion. When things "go" our way, it feels good. We feel at peace with the universe. But what about the days when we can't find any good parking spot, our hair just isn't doing what we want it to and I drop my smoothie right after buying it only to have it splash all over the shirt I just ironed? What about those days? Virginia Woolf said "you cannot find peace by avoiding life." The truth is, peace is easy to project when life is naturally peaceful. Unfortunately, everybody has bad days. Sometimes we find ourselves in hostile territory. In life, we all hit times of turbulence and turmoil. For me, peace is most disrupted when somebody personally attacks me, invites me into an argument or says something hurtful. During turbulent times, peace becomes heroic.
Peace becomes heroic when there's turmoil around you and when there's turmoil within you. It would be easier to withdraw or run and hide. Sometimes it's easier to let ourselves turn into a mean and nasty version in order to protect and defend. Sometimes it's easier to betray our self in order to please our critic. These are the times when an opportunity to truly be heroic presents itself to us. So, how do we find peace during turbulent times? Here's a few tips on how to step into your personal power and restore peace when the debris is flying.
1. Let yourself fully feel the emotion. Don't rush pass this. Don't judge or analyze the emotion. Simply allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you're feeling. Don't get stuck in the emotion. Just feel it fully.....and let it pass.
2. Peace begins with a smile. I'm not talking about the kind of smile we paint on the outside when we are really hurting on the inside. Practicing self-compassion at this moment is key. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Attune to your true self, not the one being thrown about by the turbulence.
3. Start breathing. As you inhale and exhale, fill your breaths with affirmations. One of my frequent affirmations is "I love myself anyway". If this doesn't work for you, find one that does.
4. Choose love. This step will take you really close to your core self. This step will require some work on your part. This is the step where we shift our feelings and thoughts from fear or anger to love. Refer back to your favorite quotes, favorite scripture passages, your personal standards of truth. Remind yourself who you truly are.
5. Face the truth you fear. Own the part you've played in this story. Fix what you can. Surrender what you can't. Get right with yourself and with others, if possible.
The definition of what makes a day good can vary. Maybe it's finding a front parking spot. Maybe it's winning tickets to a concert. Perhaps it's having a good hair day and a clear complexion. When things "go" our way, it feels good. We feel at peace with the universe. But what about the days when we can't find any good parking spot, our hair just isn't doing what we want it to and I drop my smoothie right after buying it only to have it splash all over the shirt I just ironed? What about those days? Virginia Woolf said "you cannot find peace by avoiding life." The truth is, peace is easy to project when life is naturally peaceful. Unfortunately, everybody has bad days. Sometimes we find ourselves in hostile territory. In life, we all hit times of turbulence and turmoil. For me, peace is most disrupted when somebody personally attacks me, invites me into an argument or says something hurtful. During turbulent times, peace becomes heroic.
Peace becomes heroic when there's turmoil around you and when there's turmoil within you. It would be easier to withdraw or run and hide. Sometimes it's easier to let ourselves turn into a mean and nasty version in order to protect and defend. Sometimes it's easier to betray our self in order to please our critic. These are the times when an opportunity to truly be heroic presents itself to us. So, how do we find peace during turbulent times? Here's a few tips on how to step into your personal power and restore peace when the debris is flying.
1. Let yourself fully feel the emotion. Don't rush pass this. Don't judge or analyze the emotion. Simply allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you're feeling. Don't get stuck in the emotion. Just feel it fully.....and let it pass.
2. Peace begins with a smile. I'm not talking about the kind of smile we paint on the outside when we are really hurting on the inside. Practicing self-compassion at this moment is key. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Attune to your true self, not the one being thrown about by the turbulence.
3. Start breathing. As you inhale and exhale, fill your breaths with affirmations. One of my frequent affirmations is "I love myself anyway". If this doesn't work for you, find one that does.
4. Choose love. This step will take you really close to your core self. This step will require some work on your part. This is the step where we shift our feelings and thoughts from fear or anger to love. Refer back to your favorite quotes, favorite scripture passages, your personal standards of truth. Remind yourself who you truly are.
5. Face the truth you fear. Own the part you've played in this story. Fix what you can. Surrender what you can't. Get right with yourself and with others, if possible.
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