How Do I Respond to Failure?

I don't know anybody who enjoys losing. I don't know anybody who at some point in their life hasn't been afraid to fail. All of us can fall prey to the little chicken running around warning that the sky is falling. These seem to be common human experiences. However, when we take a minute to breathe, step back and look at history, there seems to be something that separates the winners from the losers; and it doesn't seem to be determined merely by the outcome. Attitude, it would seem, plays a critical part.
As I said, nobody enjoys losing.  However, failure can inspire winners.  If you hate losing, then allow that to motivate you.  One story from history that illustrates this point is of Xenophon, the Greek historian, philosopher, soldier and mercenary, who was being pursued by a huge army of Persians.  He and his men had to take a stand on a hillside. One of his generals stated that he didn't think it was a good location to make their stand.  The general pointed out that there was a cliff behind them and there would be no way to retreat if they needed to.  Xenophon told his general, “Exactly!  We welcome the cliff.  In fact, here is what we are going to do.  We are going to march our armies so their backs are directly to the cliff, that way the Persians will know that we can never retreat and our men will know that retreat is not an option.  
One of my favorite quotes from one of my all time favorite books To Kill A Mockingbird also illustrates this point of allowing the chance of failure to motivate you.  As you may recall the main story takes place during three years of the Great Depression in the fictional "tired old town" of Maycomb, Alabama. It focuses on six-year-old Scout Finch, who lives with her older brother Jem and their widowed father Atticus, a middle-aged lawyer. Atticus is appointed by the court to defend Tom Robinson, a black man who has been accused of raping a young white woman, Mayella Ewell. Although many of Maycomb's citizens disapprove, Atticus agrees to defend Tom. As persecution increases and the trial approaches Atticus teaches his children: "real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway. And you see it through no matter what.  You rarely win, but sometimes you do." 
I believe there is a difference between hating to lose and being afraid to lose. If there is a fear of losing, that is usually associated with a belief that losing says something about you personally.  It may tap into some of our negative core scripts about not being good enough, not getting it right, being a failure rather than experiencing failure.  These fears or doubts make us shrink, not try at all or paralyze us from acting or moving forward.  Simply put, failure inspires winners and defeats losers. If you are reading this and find that the fear of failure has been prevalent in your life, that indicates some unresolved work that needs to be done so that you are no longer at the mercy of fear. 
The author Robert Kiyosaki uses the example of The Alamo to illustrate another way that we can respond to failure.  The story of the Alamo is a story of brave people who chose to fight knowing there was no hope for success.  They chose to die rather than surrender.  It was a tragic military defeat.  Yet, rather than burying the failure or hoping it will pass and nobody will remember, Texans chose to turn it into a rallying cry..."Remember the Alamo!"  Do we turn loss into a rallying cry?  Does it inspire us?  Do we become more determined?  Do we practice harder? Study more?  John D. Rockefeller is quoted as saying "turn every disaster into an opportunity."   
Another way that fear of failure can play out in our life is playing not to lose rather than playing to win.  I've mentioned before that three of my daughters play competitive soccer.  (Soccer is a big part of our family life and so I may talk about it more than once.) My 14 year old daughter was on a team several years ago that played not to lose.  As a result, they didn't win very many games.  At best, they tied and it was only if they were lucky that they won.  This particular daughter was born with adult sized energy into a 6lb. 5oz body.  Soccer has been a great way for her to channel her energy....and she loves to play soccer. She plays with a focus and determination that is inspiring.  If she is focused on moving that ball forward and getting a shot, it's hard to stop her from doing just that.  Her coach at that time however, played not to lose. Because she has no fear on the field and isn't afraid to be aggressive, he played her as a defensive player most of the game.  If the other team got a goal in, he would then move her up as an offensive player until she scored....and then he would move her back to defense.  It was frustrating for her to play this way.  Her coach was right that she helped strengthen the defense, however, having a strong defense and a weak offense didn't win games.   
As I said, I don't know anybody who enjoys losing, and yet everybody I know has experienced it. It seems to be part of the human experience.  If this is true, it would seem that the key to failing is to do it right. If you win, make it big.  If you lose, make it spectacular!    
  

Principles of Resilience

My daughter said to me the other day "Mom, how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?"  I smiled and said "how many?"  She responded "one, but the light bulb has to really want to change."
My chosen profession is therapy.  I am a therapist.  I specialize in working with addictions...specifically with sex addiction.  On a daily basis, I hear stories of pain, agony and loss.  My job is to help individuals transform their pain, agony and loss into something meaningful.  This is the essence of resiliency.
A couple of years ago I decided to become certified as a sex addiction therapist (CSAT).  It took me a year to complete this certification and was one of the best decisions I have made in my career thus far. Becoming a CSAT changed me as a person and therefore as a therapist.  I trained under Dr. Patrick Carnes, who is a pioneer in the field of sexual addiction recovery, as well as other remarkable professionals who I feel blessed to count as colleagues.  There are so many things I learned in my year of certification.  One that I want to focus on today are the principles of resilience.
Our society often teaches that when bad things happen it's best to grit your teeth and push through.  Some might add just don't talk about it or don't think about it.  It turns out, however, it doesn't work like that.  And there is much more to recovery and resilience than just getting through.  When something bad happens, people fall apart.  Not just weak people, but strong people too.  Our initial response is to despair.  That despair can lead us into addictions or numbing behaviors as a means of escape.  It can lead us to denial as a way to protect ourselves from seeing the pain of reality.  (There's a reason it's called the "sweet voice of denial").  Or after our initial despair, we can pick ourselves up off the floor and start down the road of resiliency.
The first principle of resilience is Acceptance.  Putting off dealing with adversity and sorrow actually delays healing and recovery.  M. Scott Peck made an interesting statement, he said "mental health is the pursuit of reality at all costs." Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to acknowledge what is real.  However, when we acknowledge reality, only then are we able to do something about it.
The second principle is Predictability. There is a large body of research stating that adverse stress is less likely when a challenging event is predictable.  Life is hard....and that is predictable.  We will always have stressors and challenges.  One of the things that I learned from Dr. Carnes is that recovery or resilience is much like training for athletes.  Olympic competitors or professional athletes know that to succeed, they will experience great stress.  Therefore, what they do is train for it.  They work every day to prepare for the stressful event, be it a game or tournament.  Each day, they build their strength, push themselves to improve their skills and practice strategies for winning.  Athletes also "cross train" so that the demands on one muscle set doesn't become too much.  They also find regular patterns of rest.  They take care of themselves. Training every day for the stressors or challenges that will come to us helps us cultivate resilience.
The third principle of resilience is Controllability.  Nobody can control every aspect of a challenging event.  However, we also know that having a sense of control generally leads to more positive results.  This is where knowing and respecting what our limits are as well as knowing what choices we do have becomes important.  The serenity prayer that is recited so often in recovery God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference helps us in our ability to adapt and be resilient. When we recognize what it is that we can change and act on a plan the result is a life of our own creating.   Otherwise, our life would be based on the expectations of others or the result of a life lived with blinders on. Integrity often comes down to taking responsibility for what we can do and having an awareness of our impact on others.
The fourth principle of resilience is Trust. Trust plays a critical role in withstanding adversity.  Trust provides a positive expectation from the people, systems or organizations in which we interact with and includes integrity, dependability, responsibility and competency. Trust is built through experience and includes certain expectations like families will be faithful, the parachute will open, I will make it through etc. Trust also includes allowing others to meet our needs and accepting more than what is needed in order to build reserves.
The fifth principle of resilience is Relationship. Relationships are critical for cultivating resilience.  With strong, healthy relationships individuals and groups can thrive despite profound challenges.  I have three daughters that play on competitive soccer teams.  The coach of my 15yo has worked for years on teaching them to play as a team.  He has talked to them over and over about the importance of talking to each other while they are out on the field and of letting the team member with the ball know what it is that they see.  The team member with the ball is focused on the task at hand and therefore may not see the larger picture of what is happening on the field.  If nobody on the team tells her "man on" or "you've got time" he would often ask the team "Why don't you like her?  Why aren't you helping her? Why are you expecting her to do this on her own?"  Resilient people surround themselves with people who believe in them.  They also surround themselves with people who are often more competent than they are and they give those individuals credit for their accomplishments.  This allows for growth and creates an atmosphere where success is encouraged and supported.
The last principle of resilience is Meaning.  People fare better when they know why they are doing what they are doing. The ability to take anything and pull purpose, meaning and growth from it is a critical skill in resilience.  There is a saying in the big book from 12 steps that says "nothing is wasted". I love this concept. I love the idea that whatever I go through, whatever comes my way, whatever amount of time is spent on the journey through, it need not be wasted.  If it adds to my life experience, if I learn  a lesson from it, if I grow stronger as a result, if I am wiser moving forward, if I become softer and more compassionate then it holds valuable meaning for me.  In this way, every challenge encountered holds untold potential and that is exciting!

Journey On!

Two Kinds of People

Last year Daughter #2 was a freshman.  She took some honors classes and had a difficult school schedule, along with playing on a competitive soccer team.  There were many times she would stress about upcoming projects or tests, homework that needed to be completed and the nagging feeling that often accompanied her that she never had enough time to do all that was required of her. Her soccer coach, who was not only a great coach, but also a wonderful mentor, had a saying that he would often tell the team:  there are two kinds of people....those who succeed and those who find reasons they can't.  
This became something I picked up from her coach and would often repeat to her at times when she found herself overwhelmed.  Many times it was frustrating for her when she would be complaining and telling me all the reasons things were not going to work out or how impossible the situation was and I would respond with "there are two kinds of people".  Usually, I didn't even have to finish the rest of the statement because she knew what I was saying to her.
Of course, we also had many conversations where I told her that I wanted her to come talk to me about her feelings, her frustrations, her worries and her doubts.  My telling her there are two kinds of people was not a way to shut down the conversation or to invalidate what she was feeling.  Many of her feelings were valid and legitimate.  However, at the end of our conversation, she had a choice to make.  And often that choice had to do with which attitude she was going to choose.
I believe that our mind is a very powerful tool we have been given.  As with most powerful tools, we are required to learn how to use it in a way that helps us rather than hurts us. Our mind, when used right can help us find solutions to problems.  When we say phrases like "I can't" or "that won't work", or "that is impossible" we let our brain off the hook and it perceives the job is done.  However, when we ask instead "how am I going to make this work?" the brain is tasked with finding a solution to the problem.  Often we find that we are capable of doing far more than we thought possible.  How many times have you said to yourself something like "I can't do this one more day" only to find that the truth is you can do it one more day. Sometimes you may look at all the tasks the upcoming week holds and think "I'm never going to make it through this week" again, to find that you do make it through.
I believe that it is our discomfort with discomfort that leads to saying I can't. When we become comfortable being uncomfortable we are then able to do things we didn't know we were capable of.  It leads to a merging of action and awareness.  For example, most of us when we first started to ride a bike started off wobbly, we felt it was risky and we had an awareness that we could fall and get hurt.  As we continued to ride and got better at it, we stopped thinking about falling.  We were no longer wobbly and it didn't feel very risky.  We had an awareness of our ability to do the task at hand. And we were aware that we could do it well. When we are engaged in activities that require our effort, our focus and our skill we open ourselves up to the process of growth.
A couple of weeks ago I was in our kitchen talking with my husband about how busy my upcoming week was.  Between my work schedule, work projects, family schedule, home projects I was feeling a bit overwhelmed.  Daughter #2 seized the opportunity....smiled at me and said "two kinds of people!"

 

This Is How Memories Are Made

This past 4th of July weekend, my family was invited up to a cabin in Paris, Idaho nestled in the Bear Lake Valley with some of our neighbors.  We left on Wednesday and came home on Sunday.  Needless to say, I was looking forward to relaxing amidst a beautiful backdrop, spending time with family and friends, eating good food, maybe catch up on some reading and getting out of the heat wave we have been experiencing.  
I enjoyed the whole experience. We rode the ATVs, went hiking, ice cave exploring, sang karaoke and stayed up way too late talking.
Daughter #3, who is almost 14 years old, has always had an adventurous spirit.  I've often told her that she thinks her body is a science experiment.  She has been given this wonderfully healthy body and she wants to see just exactly what it can do.  If I've got two feet, lets see how fast they can move.  I've got a healthy heart and a good set of lungs, lets see just what they can do.  She's broken a few bones (5 in the first 4 years of life) and she has had a lot of fun. This holiday weekend was no exception.  One day we had gone on a small hike to Bloomington Lake.  Bloomington Lake sits at a high elevation (8200 feet) and is a glaciated lake. The scenery is beautiful. Usually, there is a rope suspended from a tree that you can swing out on over the lake and then let go and drop down into the ice cold water.  Daughter #3 was so excited to do this.  She kept asking me if I was going to do it too.  I've done it before and I told her I thought this time I'd probably just sit on a nice big rock and enjoy watching her and the other people doing it.  Her response:  "But mom, this is how memories are made!" I heard that response in a variety of ways over the weekend. One afternoon we were going to an open spot on the property to shoot some guns at empty soda cans and water bottles.  She's never done this before and thought this sounded pretty exciting.  She said "Oh, wow!  We are making memories doing this."
Since we've been home and our usual routine of work, soccer practice, soccer games, cleaning house and trying to stay ahead of the endless laundry that we accumulate has resumed, I've reflected back to her phrase this is how memories are made.  I've noticed myself being more present as I go through each day and looking for the "memory" that each day holds.  I've wondered how many "memories" I've missed being focused on what needs to be done, work problems or worrying about something I've messed up on. I can't claim I'm perfect at being present, nor that I do it all the time.  But I have been practicing being present and I will say that I know I've gotten better at it.
So what does being present look like?  First, I think we have to realize that there are three different stages of time we can focus on:  past, present and future.  When we focus on the past, that looks like wishing things could have been different, regretting that we didn't handle something better or wishing we could go back to a "better" time in our life, that we could have something back that is gone or being angry about things done to us.  The problem with past thinking is that we are focused on something that cannot change. It keeps us from accepting reality in the present. Whatever it is, it is in the past.  Past thinking can lead to depression.
Future thinking can look like worrying about an upcoming event, stressing about something we need to do later, worrying that things will go wrong or dreaming of great things to come. I'm not saying we shouldn't set goals or have dreams. But the truth is, we can't control the future.  We can do things that have an impact on the future, but they may change the future in ways we were not anticipating.  Or they may not change things at all.  Sometimes dreaming about what we want the future to look like keeps us from doing something now. Future thinking tends to create anxiety for us and can lead to us missing life right now.
Being present focused is simply focusing on what is happening right now, in this moment....around us, inside of us... thoughts, feelings and actions.
It is inevitable that we will think about time in all three aspects.  We cannot completely stop ourselves from thinking about the past or future.  However, with practice we can focus more on the present, which is really the only time that counts because it's the only time we can really do something about.
Let me end this post with the benefits I've noticed from practicing being present.  The first benefit I've noticed is increased enjoyment.  Whether that's enjoying the sights, smells, tastes, sounds around me or enjoying being with myself or the people I'm with.  Second, I've found it reduces stress.  When I don't focus on mistakes of the past or worry about the future, that right there is a lot of stress reduction.  I can take a deep breath and do something in the now.  Third, I have better relationships.  When you really commit yourself to being with someone...listening to them, recognizing feelings you have towards them...you can't help but be a better father, mother or friend.  You have better conversations.  You have stronger connections.  The last benefit I have noticed is that I tend to get more things done.  I don't procrastinate as much.  About a year ago, I had noticed that I would often tell myself "I don't have enough time..." and this led to putting off a lot of tasks.  Even mundane tasks.  I made a commitment that if a task took 5 minutes to do I would not put it off to a later time.  After practicing that for a while, I decided to see how many things I could do in one minute. I was amazed at the results! So many tasks in a day take a minute to do or 2 minutes to do and by putting them off they would pile up and I would get overwhelmed.  By taking a minute or two minutes to do what needed to be done, whether that was to take the trash out, send a text, wipe off a counter, or pay a bill, I found that I was accomplishing much more in a day than I would otherwise.

As with any endeavor in life, there is no magical formula but rather consistent practice that makes a difference.
In the words of daughter #3.....Be present...this is how memories are made

!

Love Rescue Me

Several events in my life over the past month have got me reflecting.  As I was driving to work today, I cued up the song Love Rescue Me by U2 on my phone to listen to.  This song was and will always be an important song to me as it helped me at a transitional time in my life.  I was living away at college and in many aspects I was shut down and walled off. Now, I realize that when you are 19/20 years old it is completely normal to not fully understand who you are and what that means.  However, hiding behind walls tends to make it a bit more difficult to see that vision.  "I'm here without a name, in the palace of my shame" hit me with such force because it was describing me.  I completely connected with that phrase.  I knew that I didn't want to live life hiding, but I didn't know how to do it another way.  Life had gotten out in front of me and I didn't see a way for me to catch up or better yet get ahead of life.  So, I took myself out of the race. This song, however, gave me an answer I had long been looking for and desperately needed. The answer: love.
As I've been thinking of this particular time in my life, I remembered some friends I made while I was away at college.  One was on the college football team and the other was his roommate.  I had a couple of classes with them and crossed paths with them often on campus.  I recognized them when I saw them, but I never spoke to them or even acknowledged them.  One day as we were sitting in Creative Writing, I sat directly in front of the one and kiddy-corner from the other, the one behind me decided it was time to introduce himself and his friend.  Needless to say, I was not real open to their unusual way of making an introduction.  A couple nights later, they showed up at my apartment.  I was shocked to see them standing at the door when it was opened and said something like "what are you doing here?"  It was beyond me that complete strangers would want to get to know me.  Fortunately, my roommates had better social graces than I and invited them in.  As I got to know them better over that year, they bravely asked me why I was so guarded.  They had gotten to see past the hardened exterior and wanted to know why I had that exterior in the first place.  At that point in my life, I think I was somewhat aware of it, but not fully and had definitely never had a conversation about it or been asked about it. They came to term it my "stern and business-like side" and would let me know when they saw it surfacing. Because of their kind yet blunt feedback, I got to know more about this side of me and realized it really wasn't who I was or how I wanted to be.  I realized it came from a place of pain, fear, insecurity and self-doubt. 
What I also began to learn is that underneath the pain, fear, insecurity and self-doubt was a very real layer of loneliness.  I also began to catch a glimpse of what lay under the layer of loneliness and that was a very vast reservoir of love.  As the lyrics state "Love rescue me, come forth and speak to me, raise me up and don't let me fall.  No man is my enemy, my own hands imprison me, Love rescue me."  My loneliness, my fear, my insecurities were getting in the way of and blocking my ability to both love and to receive love. They had imprisoned me.  Once I realized this, I knew something had to change....so I began.  I wasn't sure what I needed to do, or what the "finished product" would look like, but I began.  I decided I didn't have to have a specific vision of what I needed it to look like.  The last lyrics of the song "I've conquered my past, the future is here at last.  I stand at the entrance to a new world I can see.  The ruins to the right of me, will soon have lost sight of me.  Love rescue me" became a guidepost for me.  I headed in that direction.  Away from the ruins I was currently standing in.  
I haven't reached the end of my journey, nor do I believe I ever will.  What I have learned is that our entire life is a journey.  Most days, I enjoy the journey and have patience with myself as I continue to move in a forward direction.  At times, I get sidetracked,  "in the cold mirror of a glass, I see my reflection pass.  See the dark shades of what I used to be."  Sometimes, the fear, insecurity, pain and self-doubt come back and the walls I've worked hard to tear down go back up quickly.  At times, I stop traveling and forget what I have already learned.  This is when I have to remind myself to let love rescue me. I have an immense ability to love, as I believe we all do. Sometimes I have to get out of my own way so it can come forth. I have learned I am the best version of myself when I am living from a place of love. I am more creative, gentle, understanding, funny and forgiving.  Love is powerful. The power of love is transforming. Love rescue me!

It Is What It Is

This morning my husband and I dropped off daughter #1 at the airport to go to Taiwan for five weeks as part of an exchange program.  She will be traveling with 15 other students from across the Wasatch Front here in Utah.  As a parent, I'm excited for her. I'm nervous and I'm anxious.
A couple of months ago when we found out that she had been accepted and would be going, I had a wave of panic hit me.  This is the kid that it seems only yesterday I was dropping off to preschool and convincing her she was brave enough to stay without me.  This is the kid that just learned to write her name and was so proud of herself she wrote it 10 times in black sharpie on our family room floor....yes on a nice canvas of carpet.
As can often happen, I had a flood of what I call mother doubt wash over me.  Have I done right by her?  Have I taught her well? Is she prepared for this world? Did I do enough?Can I have a redo?  When this happens to me it is easy to get caught up in anxiety about the future.  Or to mull over the past and find all the times when I messed up or to feel a sense of sorrow or remorse for what I wish I would have done instead.  Getting stuck in past or future thinking can be dangerous.  I know this...I've learned from personal experience.  This time, however, I remembered what I have learned from personal experience:  It is what it is.  When I let go of past regrets and let go of future worries, I am able to be in the present....which is the only time that really counts.  As I got present with myself, I realized that before I know it, daughter #1 will graduate high school and head off to college....soon to be followed by daughter #2, then daughter #3 and not too far behind daughter #4.  I was tempted at this realization to head straight back to future worrying.  Instead, I asked myself this question.....When I look back on this time of my life, this time when all four girls are still living at home, what will I wish I would have done?  The answer came rather quickly and easily.  I would wish that I would have hugged and kissed my girls more.  Nothing too big. I knew I could start that right now. And looking back, I think it will be big.
When my girls were babies and toddlers, I hugged and kissed them all the time.  As they've gotten older (17, 15, 13 and 10 years old) I've noticed the hugs and kisses have decreased.  How did that happen? I love them just as much.  And I don't think their need to be hugged and kissed and loved has lessened.  I know that growing up, my family was not very affectionate with each other.  We loved each other, just not with physical affection.  As adults, we are attempting to change that.  We have made efforts to make improvements around this.  I have to admit, it wasn't me that started the change, but I appreciate my siblings who did and am happy we are making the change. One of the things I am learning with age, is that in the end, it is really all about love.  Learning to love and loving, that's what it comes down to for me.  Since this is something that doesn't come "naturally" for me, it's something I really have to be mindful about and put effort into.  I can't tell you how many times I have felt love for somebody close to me, even thought about sharing what I have felt and thought....and then quickly talked myself out of saying anything once I saw them.
So I started.  I made a conscious effort to hug and kiss each one of my girls every day.  I thought for sure they would say something...like..."what are you doing?"  Guess what?....not one of them has said anything.  However, I find that they reach for me more often. They come to me just as much as I go to them to give a hug and kiss before they head out the door.  I can't slow down time. I can't have a redo. But I can start doing now what I will wish I had.

Keep Your Inner Circle Sacred

After writing my post last week, it should have been no surprise that life gave me several opportunities to practice what I had just written about. I say it shouldn't have been a surprise and yet, I have to admit, it seems to always catch me a bit off guard.  This week I have found myself in several situations where defaulting to contempt or resentment was pretty tempting and perhaps, would have been justified. As is also the case, I didn't handle things perfectly.  Nobody will ever write movie scripts based on my handling of situations because frankly, it's just not that pretty.  My victory, however, is that it also wasn't ugly. It just was.  In the end, I did hold myself to my own personal truths and I feel good about that. 
One of the experiences I had this past week made me realize how important it is, no how sacred it is, to have an inner circle of people in my life who have earned the right to be in my inner circle.  I haven't always felt this way.  There was a time in my life when the Simon & Garfunkel lyrics "I've built walls... a fortress deep and mighty... that none may penetrate.  I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.  It's laughter and it's loving I disdain" became a sort of mantra for me.  And who hasn't found themselves belting out the lyrics to Whitesnake's ballad "And here I go again on my own...like a drifter I was born to walk alone..."?  Well, as much as I love the idea of going it alone down a "lonely street of dreams", I've learned that the journey is meant to be made with company.  We need support.  We need friends who will let us try on new ways of being in the world. We need a hand to pull us up when we fall, or get pushed down.
If you're like me, there came a point when I understood I needed company on my journey, but I didn't know where to find these people.  I had a lot of questions, like: How do I know if I can trust someone?  How can I tell who's really got my back?  How do I build trust with people?  How can I know if they will ever betray me?  Unfortunately there is no trust test. No scoring system that tells us it's safe to let another person in, to be vulnerable and to let ourselves be open.  Instead it's a slow-building process that happens over time.  Moving slow and being selective in bringing other people in to this layer of intimacy is important.  Too quickly trusting someone or choosing to see only the good in another and minimizing the red flags that are also there is highly risky.
When I think of the characteristics of those who are in my inner circle I see a common thread.  They keep my confidences, they share their confidences with me. They remember my birthday. They know who the important people in my life are. They make sure I'm included. They know what is really happening in my life and how I feel about it....not just what I post on FB. They allow me the space to be imperfect and to make mistakes. They will be honest with me and call me out if they think I'm not being true to myself. These are the people I know I can go to if I've dug myself into a hole I can't seem to get out of and they will respond with "let's do this".  I also know that I can show the darker, unrefined parts of myself to them and they will go there with me without judging. 
Rarely do phrases on bumper stickers or refrigerator magnets change our lives.  Affirmations of self-worth often don't change how we feel about ourselves if all we are doing is quoting them over and over again.  These things don't work mostly because we don't believe simplified statements of feelings. We instinctively know that emotions and relationships aren't simple.  What I really want to know in my relationships are these questions: Can I be most myself in your presence? Can I be creative, funny, vulnerable, shy, outgoing, and smart?  Can I be tough, forgiving, generous, spiritual, graceful, lazy, self-indulgent, unrefined?  Do I feel equal, successful, attractive, encouraged, important and trusted?Can I be fully competent and not have you disappear? Do I feel challenged?  Can I be accountable?  Is it OK to make a mistake? (questions from Mending a Shattered Heart by Dr. Stefanie Carnes) Being in my inner circle doesn't require that you fix anything for me, but rather witness the strength and courage it takes to be a human being. 
One thing I believe is important to clarify is that we often think we should have a whole slew of these people in our lives.  That our inner circle should be bursting at the seams, after all that's what we see in commercials, movies and social media.  The truth is if you have two...you are blessed.  If you've got five....well now we are talking lottery! If you haven't found others who qualify for a spot in your inner circle....focus on becoming the kind of person who could be in another's inner circle and see what happens.  Without darkness, light has no meaning.  Likewise, friendship has little meaning when you haven't experienced loneliness.