Keep Your Inner Circle Sacred

After writing my post last week, it should have been no surprise that life gave me several opportunities to practice what I had just written about. I say it shouldn't have been a surprise and yet, I have to admit, it seems to always catch me a bit off guard.  This week I have found myself in several situations where defaulting to contempt or resentment was pretty tempting and perhaps, would have been justified. As is also the case, I didn't handle things perfectly.  Nobody will ever write movie scripts based on my handling of situations because frankly, it's just not that pretty.  My victory, however, is that it also wasn't ugly. It just was.  In the end, I did hold myself to my own personal truths and I feel good about that. 
One of the experiences I had this past week made me realize how important it is, no how sacred it is, to have an inner circle of people in my life who have earned the right to be in my inner circle.  I haven't always felt this way.  There was a time in my life when the Simon & Garfunkel lyrics "I've built walls... a fortress deep and mighty... that none may penetrate.  I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.  It's laughter and it's loving I disdain" became a sort of mantra for me.  And who hasn't found themselves belting out the lyrics to Whitesnake's ballad "And here I go again on my own...like a drifter I was born to walk alone..."?  Well, as much as I love the idea of going it alone down a "lonely street of dreams", I've learned that the journey is meant to be made with company.  We need support.  We need friends who will let us try on new ways of being in the world. We need a hand to pull us up when we fall, or get pushed down.
If you're like me, there came a point when I understood I needed company on my journey, but I didn't know where to find these people.  I had a lot of questions, like: How do I know if I can trust someone?  How can I tell who's really got my back?  How do I build trust with people?  How can I know if they will ever betray me?  Unfortunately there is no trust test. No scoring system that tells us it's safe to let another person in, to be vulnerable and to let ourselves be open.  Instead it's a slow-building process that happens over time.  Moving slow and being selective in bringing other people in to this layer of intimacy is important.  Too quickly trusting someone or choosing to see only the good in another and minimizing the red flags that are also there is highly risky.
When I think of the characteristics of those who are in my inner circle I see a common thread.  They keep my confidences, they share their confidences with me. They remember my birthday. They know who the important people in my life are. They make sure I'm included. They know what is really happening in my life and how I feel about it....not just what I post on FB. They allow me the space to be imperfect and to make mistakes. They will be honest with me and call me out if they think I'm not being true to myself. These are the people I know I can go to if I've dug myself into a hole I can't seem to get out of and they will respond with "let's do this".  I also know that I can show the darker, unrefined parts of myself to them and they will go there with me without judging. 
Rarely do phrases on bumper stickers or refrigerator magnets change our lives.  Affirmations of self-worth often don't change how we feel about ourselves if all we are doing is quoting them over and over again.  These things don't work mostly because we don't believe simplified statements of feelings. We instinctively know that emotions and relationships aren't simple.  What I really want to know in my relationships are these questions: Can I be most myself in your presence? Can I be creative, funny, vulnerable, shy, outgoing, and smart?  Can I be tough, forgiving, generous, spiritual, graceful, lazy, self-indulgent, unrefined?  Do I feel equal, successful, attractive, encouraged, important and trusted?Can I be fully competent and not have you disappear? Do I feel challenged?  Can I be accountable?  Is it OK to make a mistake? (questions from Mending a Shattered Heart by Dr. Stefanie Carnes) Being in my inner circle doesn't require that you fix anything for me, but rather witness the strength and courage it takes to be a human being. 
One thing I believe is important to clarify is that we often think we should have a whole slew of these people in our lives.  That our inner circle should be bursting at the seams, after all that's what we see in commercials, movies and social media.  The truth is if you have two...you are blessed.  If you've got five....well now we are talking lottery! If you haven't found others who qualify for a spot in your inner circle....focus on becoming the kind of person who could be in another's inner circle and see what happens.  Without darkness, light has no meaning.  Likewise, friendship has little meaning when you haven't experienced loneliness. 

Boston

I've watched this week, with many of my fellow Americans, as the events surrounding the bombing at the Boston Marathon have unfolded.  I was shocked when I first heard about it. How could something like this happen?  And at a marathon, where so many inspiring stories are taking place?  I've also watched the news reports as the investigation has progressed, more trauma unfolded before our eyes as the suspects were pursued.
I've also watched and seen reported many acts of heroism and bravery. Truly inspirational acts. Bostonians opening their hearts & offering their homes to those affected by the tragedy. The Bruins fans joining in the singing of our National Anthem at the first hockey game following the tragedy.  And as always, the first responders who are at their best when things are at their worst. Mister Rogers was spot on when he said "when I was a young boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'". I've pointed this same thing out to my own children.
It's also been interesting for me as a therapist to watch this and especially to watch our reaction to this. To watch how we, as adults, respond to traumatic events. I've heard phrases like "we are stronger than this" or "America is bigger than anything anybody can do to us". It concerns me as a therapist that we move so quickly to the moving forward and rising above speech and we don't spend enough time talking about the trauma that has brought us to our knees. Oh, I know we spend a lot of time covering it from a news standpoint. But I wonder what would happen if in our homes, in our communities and as a people we talked about how it really felt. The whole continuum of emotions. I felt shocked. I felt sad. I felt scared. I felt powerless. I felt small. I felt vulnerable, as I always do, when I see cruelty collide with humanity. I believe it's important to talk about these things...and then talk about it some more...and then some more.
I've talked with people who I know would disagree with what I am saying. People who don't "do" vulnerability. People who don't believe it's important to identify and express our emotions. What I know is that the fear of vulnerability can unleash cruelty, criticism and cynicism in all of us. This fear unexpressed leads to blaming, gossiping, favoritism, name-calling and harassment. Stuffing our emotions can only happen for so long before we will disengage in order to protect ourselves. Disengagement can look like or lead to all sorts of behaviors including: lying, stealing, cheating, bullying, objectifying or just being mean and indifferent.
Today at work I was talking with a colleague about the weeks events and he was telling me how he was listening to a news report on the way to work and the reporter,in summing up the events, stopped just short of calling it traumatic saying "I won't call it traumatic, it's dramatic". If we can't even call it what it truly is....TRAUMA, then how effective can we really be in moving forward?  Drama happens on school playgrounds (and can be traumatic as well). But this? This is traumatic. We aren't invincible. We cant just steel ourselves against difficulty. We feel and are impacted by trauma every time we see or experience it. Simply saying something about our strength doesn't work to lessen the vulnerability that we feel at that moment. We have witnessed and experienced a multitude of traumatic events in our country.  I fear the cruelty that will continue if we harden ourselves and simply move forward.  Because what I know is that the world doesn't need more people who are hardened.