This Is How Memories Are Made

This past 4th of July weekend, my family was invited up to a cabin in Paris, Idaho nestled in the Bear Lake Valley with some of our neighbors.  We left on Wednesday and came home on Sunday.  Needless to say, I was looking forward to relaxing amidst a beautiful backdrop, spending time with family and friends, eating good food, maybe catch up on some reading and getting out of the heat wave we have been experiencing.  
I enjoyed the whole experience. We rode the ATVs, went hiking, ice cave exploring, sang karaoke and stayed up way too late talking.
Daughter #3, who is almost 14 years old, has always had an adventurous spirit.  I've often told her that she thinks her body is a science experiment.  She has been given this wonderfully healthy body and she wants to see just exactly what it can do.  If I've got two feet, lets see how fast they can move.  I've got a healthy heart and a good set of lungs, lets see just what they can do.  She's broken a few bones (5 in the first 4 years of life) and she has had a lot of fun. This holiday weekend was no exception.  One day we had gone on a small hike to Bloomington Lake.  Bloomington Lake sits at a high elevation (8200 feet) and is a glaciated lake. The scenery is beautiful. Usually, there is a rope suspended from a tree that you can swing out on over the lake and then let go and drop down into the ice cold water.  Daughter #3 was so excited to do this.  She kept asking me if I was going to do it too.  I've done it before and I told her I thought this time I'd probably just sit on a nice big rock and enjoy watching her and the other people doing it.  Her response:  "But mom, this is how memories are made!" I heard that response in a variety of ways over the weekend. One afternoon we were going to an open spot on the property to shoot some guns at empty soda cans and water bottles.  She's never done this before and thought this sounded pretty exciting.  She said "Oh, wow!  We are making memories doing this."
Since we've been home and our usual routine of work, soccer practice, soccer games, cleaning house and trying to stay ahead of the endless laundry that we accumulate has resumed, I've reflected back to her phrase this is how memories are made.  I've noticed myself being more present as I go through each day and looking for the "memory" that each day holds.  I've wondered how many "memories" I've missed being focused on what needs to be done, work problems or worrying about something I've messed up on. I can't claim I'm perfect at being present, nor that I do it all the time.  But I have been practicing being present and I will say that I know I've gotten better at it.
So what does being present look like?  First, I think we have to realize that there are three different stages of time we can focus on:  past, present and future.  When we focus on the past, that looks like wishing things could have been different, regretting that we didn't handle something better or wishing we could go back to a "better" time in our life, that we could have something back that is gone or being angry about things done to us.  The problem with past thinking is that we are focused on something that cannot change. It keeps us from accepting reality in the present. Whatever it is, it is in the past.  Past thinking can lead to depression.
Future thinking can look like worrying about an upcoming event, stressing about something we need to do later, worrying that things will go wrong or dreaming of great things to come. I'm not saying we shouldn't set goals or have dreams. But the truth is, we can't control the future.  We can do things that have an impact on the future, but they may change the future in ways we were not anticipating.  Or they may not change things at all.  Sometimes dreaming about what we want the future to look like keeps us from doing something now. Future thinking tends to create anxiety for us and can lead to us missing life right now.
Being present focused is simply focusing on what is happening right now, in this moment....around us, inside of us... thoughts, feelings and actions.
It is inevitable that we will think about time in all three aspects.  We cannot completely stop ourselves from thinking about the past or future.  However, with practice we can focus more on the present, which is really the only time that counts because it's the only time we can really do something about.
Let me end this post with the benefits I've noticed from practicing being present.  The first benefit I've noticed is increased enjoyment.  Whether that's enjoying the sights, smells, tastes, sounds around me or enjoying being with myself or the people I'm with.  Second, I've found it reduces stress.  When I don't focus on mistakes of the past or worry about the future, that right there is a lot of stress reduction.  I can take a deep breath and do something in the now.  Third, I have better relationships.  When you really commit yourself to being with someone...listening to them, recognizing feelings you have towards them...you can't help but be a better father, mother or friend.  You have better conversations.  You have stronger connections.  The last benefit I have noticed is that I tend to get more things done.  I don't procrastinate as much.  About a year ago, I had noticed that I would often tell myself "I don't have enough time..." and this led to putting off a lot of tasks.  Even mundane tasks.  I made a commitment that if a task took 5 minutes to do I would not put it off to a later time.  After practicing that for a while, I decided to see how many things I could do in one minute. I was amazed at the results! So many tasks in a day take a minute to do or 2 minutes to do and by putting them off they would pile up and I would get overwhelmed.  By taking a minute or two minutes to do what needed to be done, whether that was to take the trash out, send a text, wipe off a counter, or pay a bill, I found that I was accomplishing much more in a day than I would otherwise.

As with any endeavor in life, there is no magical formula but rather consistent practice that makes a difference.
In the words of daughter #3.....Be present...this is how memories are made

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It Is What It Is

This morning my husband and I dropped off daughter #1 at the airport to go to Taiwan for five weeks as part of an exchange program.  She will be traveling with 15 other students from across the Wasatch Front here in Utah.  As a parent, I'm excited for her. I'm nervous and I'm anxious.
A couple of months ago when we found out that she had been accepted and would be going, I had a wave of panic hit me.  This is the kid that it seems only yesterday I was dropping off to preschool and convincing her she was brave enough to stay without me.  This is the kid that just learned to write her name and was so proud of herself she wrote it 10 times in black sharpie on our family room floor....yes on a nice canvas of carpet.
As can often happen, I had a flood of what I call mother doubt wash over me.  Have I done right by her?  Have I taught her well? Is she prepared for this world? Did I do enough?Can I have a redo?  When this happens to me it is easy to get caught up in anxiety about the future.  Or to mull over the past and find all the times when I messed up or to feel a sense of sorrow or remorse for what I wish I would have done instead.  Getting stuck in past or future thinking can be dangerous.  I know this...I've learned from personal experience.  This time, however, I remembered what I have learned from personal experience:  It is what it is.  When I let go of past regrets and let go of future worries, I am able to be in the present....which is the only time that really counts.  As I got present with myself, I realized that before I know it, daughter #1 will graduate high school and head off to college....soon to be followed by daughter #2, then daughter #3 and not too far behind daughter #4.  I was tempted at this realization to head straight back to future worrying.  Instead, I asked myself this question.....When I look back on this time of my life, this time when all four girls are still living at home, what will I wish I would have done?  The answer came rather quickly and easily.  I would wish that I would have hugged and kissed my girls more.  Nothing too big. I knew I could start that right now. And looking back, I think it will be big.
When my girls were babies and toddlers, I hugged and kissed them all the time.  As they've gotten older (17, 15, 13 and 10 years old) I've noticed the hugs and kisses have decreased.  How did that happen? I love them just as much.  And I don't think their need to be hugged and kissed and loved has lessened.  I know that growing up, my family was not very affectionate with each other.  We loved each other, just not with physical affection.  As adults, we are attempting to change that.  We have made efforts to make improvements around this.  I have to admit, it wasn't me that started the change, but I appreciate my siblings who did and am happy we are making the change. One of the things I am learning with age, is that in the end, it is really all about love.  Learning to love and loving, that's what it comes down to for me.  Since this is something that doesn't come "naturally" for me, it's something I really have to be mindful about and put effort into.  I can't tell you how many times I have felt love for somebody close to me, even thought about sharing what I have felt and thought....and then quickly talked myself out of saying anything once I saw them.
So I started.  I made a conscious effort to hug and kiss each one of my girls every day.  I thought for sure they would say something...like..."what are you doing?"  Guess what?....not one of them has said anything.  However, I find that they reach for me more often. They come to me just as much as I go to them to give a hug and kiss before they head out the door.  I can't slow down time. I can't have a redo. But I can start doing now what I will wish I had.