Mistakes we make when talking to teens about pornography

Several months ago, I was interviewed by a reporter for the Deseret News, a local newspaper.  The interviewer was writing an article on teens and pornography and had contacted the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP), who referred her to me for the interview.

The article was published this week http://national.deseretnews.com/article/17181/figuring-out-why-teens-turn-to-pornography.html.  As is often the case, there is a lot of valuable information that simply cannot make it into the article.  Here are the talking points that were left on the editing floor....

There is currently an ongoing debate in the medical and mental health fields about whether pornography can be an addiction like alcohol or drugs.  Currently there are a growing number of studies that show similarities in the brains of regular pornography users and drug users.  For many, behavioral or process addictions--like pornography, shopping, gambling, eating and work are not recognized the same as a drug or alcohol addiction.  Often times, the process or behavioral addictions are talked about in terms of moral failings or irresponsible behaviors rather than recognizing these addictions as a brain disease similar to alcoholism.  Ultimately, the classification of sex as an addiction, along with other behavioral addictions, will be decided in the neuroscience field. Currently the results of these neuroscience studies are strongly supporting sex as an addiction and addiction as a brain disease.

The American College of Pediatricians recently released a statement on porn citing: "consumption of porn is associated with many negative emotional, psychological and physical health outcomes.  This includes increased rates of depression, anxiety, acting out and violent behavior, a younger age of sexual debut, promiscuity and increase risk of teen pregnancy and a distorted view of relationships."

For many parents, raising teens in a sexual world is frightening.  Teens are driven by their rapidly shifting hormones, which evokes a hyper interest in all things sexual.  Teens are also known to be impulsive, compulsive and easily pressured, which makes them at times bad decision makers with regrettable choices.  Teens are also the group most likely to explore any and every potential use of new technology.  The reality of our sexualized society can result in unwarranted fear mongering by media outlets, religious institutions and some mental health professionals.  The fear created and perpetuated can result in helicopter parenting, which tends to weaken resilience in children and adolescents.

Teens are hungry for conversations with adults about sex.  Teens are also skilled at tuning into the comfort level of the adults having these conversations with them.  Teens will tune you out if the conversation is a  lecture or if they perceive you as an irrelevant resource for the feelings and questions they have.  The reality is, teens will talk with their parents about what they're comfortable with, what they're not comfortable with they will take elsewhere and a valuable teaching moment and opportunity for connection will be lost.

As I talk with parents about teens and pornography, I have noticed there's a lot of focus on filters and not enough focus on relationships and connections.  When giving presentations, I use the analogy of parents thinking of filters as a mote they are putting around the internet that is impassable when in reality filters serve more as a posted NO TRESPASSING sign that might cause teens to pause, but they can simply hop the fence and go forward.  It's important to remember that the key to prevention is connection. Many times parents are missing opportunities to help put context around what their teens are seeing online because they are overly focused on preventing teens from seeing anything online.

One of the biggest mistakes made when talking to teens about pornography is not recognizing that this isn't just about pornography.  Often what starts as curiosity or accidental exposure can develop into a much larger issue.  Pornography or sex addiction is a complex issue with many moving parts. Because sex stimulates, in very powerful ways, the reward center of the brain, teens often discover that using porn is a powerful way to deal with stress and other negative emotions. While using a behavior, such as sex or pornography may begin by making a choice to feel pleasure, it can also turn to using sex or pornography to feel less; less anxiety, less stress, less disappointment, less rejection.

Another mistake parents make when talking to their teens about pornography is underestimating their own sphere of influence with their teen.  We used to think that talking to teens about drug use would give permission for kids to use drugs. Fortunately we found that is not the case.  Talking does not equal a green light or give permission. Talking to teens about sex can bring up parental discomfort for the parents and teens will sense that discomfort and turn to peers or google, which doesn't make them so uncomfortable.  If parents want to help their kids navigate a world that is highly sexual, parents need to practice talking to other parents about sex and teens.  They need to confront their own sex negative messages that are getting in the way of having these conversations and they need to examine the various parts that make up a healthy relationship.

Lastly, one of the mistakes parents make when navigating such a complex issue like pornography is that this is an ongoing process of both what is said to teens as well as what is not said to teens.  It is important for parents to model for their kids what to do after making a mistake.  Parents can build a lot of credibility with kids as they model how to take ownership, how to be accountable, how to make amends and how to repair and reconcile.  These areas may not seem like they directly combat problematic sexual issues, but they are more connected than they may appear.  Teens need to have experience with healthy relationships in order to recognize what is not healthy or what is unrealistic.  The teenage years are a great time to put into practice on a larger scale what they have learned as young kids regarding healthy coping skills.  This includes how to identify what they're feeling, being able to express that to another person and trusting another person to both hear and listen to them.  Teens need to learn that emotions aren't simply a problem to be solved, but that emotions are an intricate part of what makes relationships rich and give relationships depth. Teens will often feel emotions on an intense level and it is important for parents to send the message that their emotions are not too much.  Teens don't want to be dismissed to their room until these intense emotions subside.  What they do need are parents or other adults that are willing to sit in the mess with them...not to fix the emotions or fade the emotions, but to connect with the individual.  To send the message that "I get it"; "I'm here with you"; "I care about you" and "you're not alone."

The Secret Life of Grief

I am grieving.  I have been in the mode of grief for almost a year.  It's not something you can see by looking at me.  It's not even something you'll hear in most of the conversations I have.  But it's there. I feel it.  It takes up space in my life. In my body. In my heart. Grief has kept my heart softer, more open.  Grief has slowed me down, caused me to pause more often, to reflect on things I would otherwise hurry past.  Grief has unlocked memories from my earliest childhood. Grief has sharpened my senses and caused me to feel more deeply. Grief is a burden that at times feels like I can barely carry.  It has been a constant companion and an unyielding teacher.

Since being thrust into this grieving process, I have been interested in what those who have walked this path before me have discovered.  Stephen Colbert spoke vulnerably about his loss.  When Colbert, the youngest of eleven children, was ten years old, his father took two of his older brothers up to New England for boarding school.  Their flight went down and all three perished. Four decades later, the loss is still with him, but it has changed:

"...it's not as keen.  Well, it's not as present, how about that? It's just as keen but not

as present.  But it will always accept the invitation.  Grief will always accept

the invitation to appear.  It's got plenty of time for you....

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size.  It is not the

size of you.  It is its own size.  And grief comes to you.  You know what I mean?

I've always liked that phrase "He was visited by grief," because that's really what

it is.  Grief is its own thing.  It's not like it's in me and I'm going to deal with it. 

It's a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence.  If you try to ignore it, it 

will be like a wolf at your door."

I am being visited by grief.  It's not a living part of me, but grief is here.  It's pressing in, it is it's own size.  It is it's own entity and it is with me.

Vicki Harrison, who was visited by grief when the man she loved was killed while riding his motorcycle, wrote:

"...it's really exhausting.  I'm trying, still, to keep track of that one thing a day that makes me smile, is the best part, but even that's difficult right now.  I think I did it for Monday and Tuesday, and I think I have one for today.  But I am just so damn sad right now....

Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing.  
Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.  
All we can do is learn to swim...."

I am learning that grief takes time.  Sometimes, when I am in the midst of it, surrounded by it, I wish I could hurry it, fix it, comfort myself and make it go away....feel something else besides that pain in my chest, but grief takes time.

As the year has marched on grief has taken different forms in the changing seasons.  As the temperature has dropped, the leaves have turned and December approaches I am surprised at how the memories that weren't as acute in the heat of July become sharp once again.  Memories that were in the back of my mind are now in the forefront.  I was driving in the car the other day and the memory of calling my Grandfather, my mom's dad, and telling him that she was gone played out scene by scene.  About a month ago, I was helping my youngest daughter with her hair as she was getting ready for school.  She said, "Mom, I've been thinking a lot about Grandma lately and I just feel sad." She told me that in her choir class at school they had started singing Christmas songs to prepare for the holiday performances and the first day all she could do was to keep breathing and not cry.

Last year at this time we had just returned from a family trip to Disneyland with my siblings and my mom.  She was a trooper.  She spent a week walking around several theme parks in Southern California with her kids and her grand-kids.  Then she was off to South Carolina to spend Thanksgiving with my brother and his family.  None of us could guess as December came and we celebrated the holidays that it would be the last time.  That she would not be with us to usher in the New Year.

Grief is, as Colbert says, a thing.  Right now it is an acute thing.  There has not been a day that I don't think about her, about that day, about how I am changed and how certain days are gone forever. Someday, I trust, that sifting through these memories will not be quite as painful as it is now.

Tips for Starting Therapy

The decision to start therapy can be intimidating.  For most individuals, there are some preconceived ideas about what therapy will entail and what therapists are like.  And, lets be honest, the media rarely paints an accurate picture of the therapy process.
GETTING STARTED
There are a couple of points to consider in getting started in the therapy process.  First, engaging fully in the therapy process is important.  This is also hard to do.  Change is hard.  Awareness is hard.  Rigorous honesty is hard.  And these are all pivotal parts of engaging fully in therapy. Sometimes things can feel like they're getting worse before they get better.  As a client, you are not just paying to be listened to and validated.  Your therapist is not a paid friend.  While being listened to is an important part of the therapy process, listening alone will not affect the change most clients are seeking.  Therapists have masters and doctorate degrees, they receive specialized training and certification.  Therapists have spent years studying human behavior, the process of change, relationship dynamics, conflict resolution, attachment and trauma wounds, addiction and communication.  It will be important for you to find a therapist who you  can have a connection with, who stays current with their training and expertise and who you can trust to walk you through the difficult and sometimes painful pathways of healing and self exploration.  Therapy is an art.  It's a lot more than just telling people what to do or what not to do.  The therapists who are good at what they do have spent time mastering the art of helping clients own their journey.  Therapists are trained to meet you where you are and work to facilitate insight and create an environment for growth and healing.
Therapy can be expensive, ranging anywhere from $80-$200 for a 50 minute session.  It's an investment and you should get a return on your investment.  However, this will take time.  Remember there are other things that we value that are expensive that we don't question spending money on, such as an attorney, a dentist or medication.  Therapy is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.  It's an investment in you.
DOING THE WORK
There are words and phrases in therapy that you will become familiar with.  These include sit with that, do the work, set and maintain healthy boundaries, projection, trauma bonds, enmeshment, living within limits, seek consultation, lean in, notice that and the list goes on.  Whether we are talking mind, body or spirit, healing is not pleasant and it rarely feels good.  This is important to remember as you embark on this journey.
When my younger brother was 18 years old, he and a couple of friends were playing with fire one night.  It was the week between Christmas and New Years and was a continuation of something that had started earlier that Summer, as they tried to rid the basketball pole of a wasp nest.  He was at a friends house, whose parents were not home at the time.  They were video taping the lighting of various objects on fire and watching, mesmerized as these items would burn.   As can happen with teens who believe they are invincible, they kept upping the ante and added gasoline to the mix in order to maximize the effect.  Unbeknownst to my brother, as he was dousing something with alcohol prior to lighting it on fire, the gasoline was also dripping onto his clothing.  My mom received a phone call  a few minutes later from my brother asking her to pick him up and take him to the Emergency Room.
My husband and I arrived at the hospital about an hour later and spent the next week making daily trips to the burn unit to visit with my brother.  The first night seemed the worst.  He was in so much pain, it was something you could feel as you entered the room.  Slowly over the next few days, we saw gradual progress: he would sit up, talk, open his eyes, make a joke.  We thought these were all good signs of healing.  The doctors however, informed the family not to put any stock in these improvements.  That the focus at this time was to get him strong enough for skin graft surgery.  That once he was stable enough for surgery, the surgery would put any progress we were witnessing back to square one.  The night after the surgery, we went to visit him at the hospital.  He really wasn't strong enough for a visit and didn't do much talking at all.  He was in too much pain to even open his eyes, let alone communicate.  This began a slow healing process that wasn't complete for about two years and had a lot of painful moments along the way.  It has been 20 years since that injury occurred.  My brother is married, has kids of his own and a thriving law practice.  You can still see the scars on his legs from the burns and the grafts.  My kids and his like to hear him tell the story.  It definitely shaped who he is today, knowing such pain, healing and growth.  As painful as the surgery was and as long as the healing process was, not having the surgery was not an option. A third-degree burn is referred to as a full thickness burn.  This type of burn destroys the outer layer of skin and the entire layer beneath. Large third-degree burns heal slowly and poorly without medical attention.  Because the epidermis and hair follicles are destroyed, the new skin heals slowly and if not treated properly can impair function and leave the skin without plasticity and movement.
It can be tempting during the therapy process to look for a bypass...an alternate route. This can happen for motorists to avoid other heavy traffic points or to drive around an obstruction. When commuting, a bypass is convenient and is looked upon favorably.  However, in therapy looking for a bypass is avoiding the possibility for self-transformation.  It's avoiding the difficult work that awaits us.  Yes, often times there is painful stuff to sort through in therapy.  We have to explore and examine difficult parts of ourselves and of our lives.  We have to be open to the existence of patterns that aren't pretty, decisions that should not have been made and choices we didn't understand.  We can find any number of ways to bypass and get creative about avoiding.  We can use sex, relationships, drama, work, technology, shopping, traveling and Netflix as ways to bypass the work that we need to do.  We can exhaust ourselves thinking that maybe if I am successful at work or make a certain amount of money or always look fashionable in my dress or find that special someone, or an exciting trip it will make up for the feeling that I am inadequate or don't know who I am or wonder if I truly am enough.  Spirituality is another way we can bypass; hoping to be able to pray it away, read scriptures for insight rather than walking through our own pain, going to temple as a way of bypassing what awaits us.  It can also be tempting to become extremely obedient and religiously regimented as a way of bypassing self-examination and binding God into our will because of our extreme obedience. While we may have many spiritual and moving moments as we engage in treatment, these moments do not exempt us from doing the hard work of examining, transforming and evolving.  The ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) workbook states regarding spiritual bypass: "the person is attempting to avoid the pain that can come with working through the trauma and neglect from childhood.  In some cases, the person attempts to jump ahead in the recovery  process without going through the entire process.  This path invariably fails or leads to dissatisfying results.  If one does succeed in having a spiritual experience, but avoids program work, the person can still remain mired in addictiveness or problematic relationships.  The spiritual experience may bring some form of enlightenment; however, the person can cling to old ways of living without embracing recovery.  A spiritual experience without grounded program work can produce an unhealthy ego.  With an inflated ego, the person can use the spiritual experience as a shield against working a full program" (page. 178-179).
Therapy is hard.  It can feel overwhelming to begin the process and there may be points along the way where we question why we started in the first place.  Therapy is also the beginning of investing in yourself as a person and in the life you are living. Beautiful things happen in therapy.  Transformation happens in therapy.  Healing and growth happen in therapy.  If you've considered starting this journey for yourself, find a qualified therapist that you can connect with and trust and make that investment.  

Life After Ashley Madison

When the infidelity site Ashley Madison was hacked, the details of 37 million user accounts were published on the Internet. Personal information like email addresses, account details and credit card information was released. Impact Team, the group that hacked the site and released the information, gave two motivations for doing so: First, they were critical of Ashley Madison's core mission of facilitating affairs and second, the hackers attacked the business practices of Ashley Madison.
What the hackers also released was panic, devastation, heartbreak and grief. The effects of this scandal are far reaching and certainly impact more than the 37 million paying members of this site.

If you or a loved one has been impacted by this breach, life has become unmanageable. The data is out and the fantasy of secrecy the site promised its users has crumbled. The Internet has once again shown that it cannot be trusted with our secrets. The following points are stepping stones for navigating the fall out and recovering hope:

• WAKE UP:  A crisis like this is a wake-up call about sexual patterns and can be an opportunity for further reflection and growth. Many individuals who are on the site can't fully explain why they did what they did. 
• BEWARE OF SHAME:  Shame is a constant awareness of our flaws, defects and imperfections. Shame is not the same as guilt. Shame is different in that it makes a person feel bad about who they are whereas guilt makes an individual feel bad about what they did. Adults shamed in childhood fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. Commitment is a recovery principle and is important to the repair needed to move forward. Being able to challenge your shameful messages while also allowing yourself to feel appropriate guilt will help build self-awareness and compassion for the hurt you have caused. Adults shamed in childhood also tend to blame other people before they can accept any blame themselves. Accepting responsibility, owning up to the damage you've done and the hurt you've created allows you to be part of the solution. If you do not accept blame, it will only get worse    for  you as your life goes on and the intricate patterns of avoiding responsibility build. 
• START TALKING:   Now that the secret is out, it's time to get to work. For repairs to be made, the straying partner must work to show empathy and remorse. This is going to take time. It will be necessary to acknowledge the hurt and pain you caused as often as needed. Finding out a partner is on Ashley Madison may be the first time a spouse realizes the partner may not be happy and the relationship has problems. It is a good idea to seek professional help to walk through the difficult conversations and tackle the work that lies ahead. 
• CONNECT WITH REALITY:  The reality is you cheated. Whether you met the person you were contacting and actually had sex or viewed profiles, sent texts or emails and exchanged photos, the fact is this behavior is viewed as cheating. While you may feel the problems in your relationship or the stress in your life made you stray, the reality is there are others out there with similar problems who don't do what you did. 
• SEEK TREATMENT:  According to Rob Weiss, author and expert on digitally driven intimacy disorders, "when your sexual behavior is more in control of your time, decisions, fantasy and impulses than you are, treatment is advisable. Likewise, if loved ones knew the full extent of your secret sexual life and would be shocked or concerned, or if you live in fear of being "discovered", treatment is advisable. You may also want to consider treatment if you can't stop having the amount or type of sex that you know could harm your relationships, career, family life and reputation."  Many individuals struggling with infidelity or compulsive sexual behaviors experienced childhood trauma, neglect, abuse or loss and use sexual acting out as a way to cope with the painful emotions. 

If you have been impacted by this breach, you can take an anonymous, self-assessment for an objective view of the situation. For issues of sexual addiction, seeking a professional who is trained and certified as a sexual addiction therapist is important for both you and your spouse.


Jackie Pack, LCSW, CSAT-S

I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye

A little over a month ago my mom passed away unexpectedly. It was December 30, 2014. She was planning to have a sleepover with her grandkids that night. It was just a regular day and I had no idea the twist that was about to happen. I called my mom from work at 2:00 to tell her that my kids would be a little late for the sleepover. Just 15 minutes late. We talked on the phone for 5-10 minutes about nothing in particular. I had no idea that by 3:00pm she would be found unconscious in her home by my younger brother.  He called 911 but she never regained consciousness and was pronounced dead at 3:54pm.
My mom and I had a complicated relationship. We didn't always see eye to eye. We had our ups and downs but over the past two years we were making peace with each other and learning to see past our differences. I don't have regrets about the path our relationship took. It was what it was.
As I left the hospital and was driving home the words of the song from Les Miserables came to my mind: "to love another person is to see the face of God".  I believe that it is easy to love somebody when they are lovely. But to have love for somebody who has let you down, hurt you, disappointed you and fallen short of who you wanted them to be...who you needed them to be...well I think that is Godly. It is Godly because it is so much bigger than me, than her, than what was and what wasn't. And I can accept that. My mom didn't have an easy life.  She did the best she could, but was hurt by many things...mostly my dad and the loss of what she hoped to have. And as the saying goes "hurt people, hurt people."
Thomas Merton in his book No Man is an Island says "The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image.  If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them."
It has been a long and difficult month since her passing. I have found that sadness is a familiar companion. There's a game I find myself playing. I pretend that I can replay special days of my life. Certain characteristics show through as I flip through my favorite memories of my mom....the image of her walking towards me with a chair to join me on the sideline of my girls soccer game. Her recounting endless details of a story that aren't all that important. Her curiosity and love of learning. Watching her write in her journal or talking about books we both had read. It is so easy for me to play back some of my fondest memories. When I play this game, it reminds me that no matter how good those memories were, certain moments are gone forever. When I was a girl, I watched my mom and adopted the bits and pieces of her that fit me.  The talks and struggles we have had through this journey of our lives together have a great deal to do with the values I cherish as an adult and the person I have become. I truly believe that nothing in this life is wasted. Leaving the hospital that night, I felt like I could let go of so much and walk away with the memories I choose to keep of her.
Love is complicated, and yet our job is to love others without stopping to question whether or not they are worthy of that love. It's not our judgment to make. What we are asked to do is to love. To soften ourselves, our hurts and disappointments and to love. It is a life saving pursuit.
I love you mom!

Living with Intent vs. Self Will Run Riot

In the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill W. described the core trait of alcoholics as self-centeredness—something he referred to as “self-will run riot.”  He further described the alcoholic as “an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way.”  The reality that the vast majority of all people are self-centered can be a helpful realization in recovery.  This reality does not justify the self-centeredness of addicts or taking this self-centeredness to an extreme, as is the case with the self will run riot. However, it does help to explain why so often individuals find themselves in collision with others.  Whether it’s an extreme case of letting the self go unchecked as happens in addiction or a less extreme case such as getting impatient with the person in front of us at the checkout, driving aggressively in traffic, avoiding personal responsibility, watching too much television or becoming obsessive about our work or our workouts, self-centeredness creates chaos in our lives.  It’s a way of trying to live life on our own terms, rather than living life on life’s terms.

Living life on our terms gets in the way of developing a sense of self that is helpful because we are continually trying to control.  The Serenity Prayer speaks wisdom to addicts and to non-addicts alike.  The prayer begins with learning to accept external circumstances that we cannot change.  (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.)We can spend a lot of unnecessary time and energy in attempting to change things we cannot control.  Once we recognize what it is that we cannot control, the next part of the prayer moves us on to another quality that we need to develop and that is courage. (Courage to change the things I can.) It is during this part of recovery that we begin to witness the integrity of an individual.  Now that the usual patterns of coping have been removed, something is required to surface when going through difficult circumstances or when faced with challenging times.  Integrity hasn’t had to stand up because acting out soothed the pain, or numbed the discomfort.  With those destructive pathways removed, the self is required to show up, to stand up and to make a decision about how to live life in this new way of being.  Individuals will continue to move forward in recovery when their discomfort with their present circumstances outweighs their discomfort with growth.  This requires us to be intentional in our actions.  Living with intent is the essence of the Serenity Prayer (and the wisdom to know the difference.)

History gives us several good examples, where individuals put in uncomfortable circumstances acted with intent and had a huge impact in their world and in our world:

When Nelson Mandela was thrown in jail in 1962, he had almost everything taken from him: his home, his reputation, his pride and, of course, his freedom. He chose to use those 27 years in jail to focus on what was really essential and to eliminate everything else, including his own  resentment.

In Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl concluded that everything can be taken from us except “the last of human freedom’s—to choose one’s own attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”  Frankl noted that the prisoners most likely to survive were those who had a vivid sense of purpose in life.  Even in the humiliation of the camps, something that was certainly beyond the prisoner’s control, they still found choices they did have. 

Rosa Parks’ quiet, but resolute refusal to give up her seat on a segregated bus in Montgomery, Alabama coalesced into forces that propelled the Civil Rights Movement and changed the course of history.  As Parks’ recalls: “when the bus driver saw me still sitting, he asked if I was going to stand up and I said ‘No’, I am not.” Contrary to popular belief, her courageous “No” did not grow out of a particularly assertive personality. Instead, her decision on the bus grew out of a deep conviction about what deliberate decision she wanted to make in that moment.  When the bus driver ordered her out of her seat she said: “I felt a determination cover my body like a quilt on a Winter night.”  She did not know how her decision would spark a movement that would reverberate around the world, but she did know her own mind.  She knew, even as she was being arrested that it would be the very last time she would ever ride in humiliation of this kind.  The discomfort of the present circumstances became more uncomfortable than the arrest and incarceration that followed. 

It may be unlikely that we will find ourselves in circumstances like Nelson Mandela, Victor Frankl or Rosa Parks, yet we can use their stories as inspiration for our own moments of courage.  We can think of the strength of conviction Rosa Parks exhibited, her courage to say no and to stand her ground.  We can recognize that if Victor Frankl could make choices in the desolation of a concentration camp, then we can start making choices in our daily lives as well.  And as Nelson Mandela taught us, when we focus on what is really essential in our lives, we often may find things we are clinging to like our resentment, that also need to be eliminated. 

Living with intent is hard.  It takes courage and wisdom.  It takes forethought and discipline.  It requires us to ask difficult questions and to examine our lives.  Living with intent helps guide us to a greater sense of purpose and help to chart our life’s path.  We may not be able to run the whole show, but by living with intent, we make deliberate choices about what we contribute to the whole production. 

Breathing

About a month ago, I was invited to fly to Nashville for a professionals weekend.  The invitation came at a time in my life that was filled with busyness and chaos. In March, I had disclosed to my two business partners that being in the partnership wasn't working for me and that I had made the very difficult decision to leave the partnership. This declaration was not met with enthusiasm or acceptance. It was the beginning of a series of free-fall moments for me. In this series of free-falls, there were many things that began to fall into alignment... And many things fell out of alignment. My busyness was kicked up several notches. My "to do" list became bottomless. My workaholism started creeping out of manageability. My time with and for my family dried up and just being present when one of my daughters or spouse was talking to me became very difficult. Gratefully, I had my quarterly weekend the beginning of March with one of my personal recovery groups that helped with perspective. I was also fortunate that in the beginning of this free-fall, I was introduced to a very wise woman, who is now my sponsor that I can text, email or call for consultation. I also had very wise counsel from friends, colleagues, family and associates who were willing to step forward and offer their truth and perspective.
This takes me back to receiving the invitation to attend the professionals weekend in Nashville. At this point, I had learned to say "yes" when opportunities landed at my doorstep. So, despite feeling the pressure of giving the time to my "to do" list, or the guilt of leaving my family for another weekend...I just said yes. I am so grateful that my family is supportive of me and whatever process I am in and they willingly sacrificed their time with me so that I could go.
The night before I left, daughter #2 was asking me what exactly I would be doing this weekend. I told her that I had no idea. I actually hadn't even had time to think about it since I had accepted the invitation. Sitting in the Denver airport on a layover, I remembered that I had gotten an email a few days prior from the people hosting the professionals weekend that I hadn't had the time to read. So I pulled up the email. Attached, I found a "what to bring list".  This would have been helpful prior to sitting in the Denver airport, where I realized I had not packed appropriately!  While this was a "professionals weekend", dressing as a professional would not be appropriate.
I began to feel uncomfortable when I had this realization. But that was ok, because that was just the beginning of feeling varying levels of discomfort the entire weekend!  It was also the beginning of surrendering to a process that was bigger than me and therefore transformative.
The second day into my professionals weekend, we participated in a Native American sweat lodge. I had never participated in a sweat lodge before and didn't know that much about it; other than it being a spiritual ritual and cleansing the body of toxins. Fortunately, my host took me to a nearby Walmart to get some appropriate clothing for this experience.
We were scheduled to be in the sweat lodge for 6 hours. Of course, there was discomfort about not knowing what to expect. And I recalled a news story from several years back about participants who died in a sweat lodge. But I was reassured that they did this on a regular basis. That our Native American leader had been doing these his whole life and that we would be perfectly safe...and we were.
Daniel, our leader, told us as we sat in a close knit circle inside the lodge, about the symbolism of a sweat lodge. The symbolism of re-birth. The lodge itself represents the female, the womb. The hot rocks that have been baking in a fire for many hours prior to our starting the process, was symbolic of the male.  And the rocks entering the lodge symbolic of conception and new life. He told us what the focus would be for each of the four rounds and then we got started. The rocks were placed, the herbs sprinkled, the water poured and the door closed so that it was pitch black, very hot and very humid. My tendency was to take shallow breaths. It didn't seem to me that breathing in such hot and humid breaths would be good for the lungs. It was difficult to breathe and taking short, shallow breaths was not sufficient for what my body needed. So despite my reasoning and best judgment, I pushed beyond the short, shallow breaths and took a long, deep breath. Allowing my lungs to fill to capacity. Because the air was so hot and so humid, I could literally feel the breathe as it came in through my nose and traveled through my body. I could feel the breath all the way to my core. And it felt good!
Sometime in round three, as I was laying on the cooler, damp, dirt floor of the lodge, with my eyes closed...just concentrating on my breathing, a thought occurred to me. When I entered this world, I claimed my life by breathing. While I don't remember that experience I imagine it wasn't easy. I would think there was struggle involved. That in a moment I had a choice...I could claim my life by taking a breath...or I could let my life slip past me and not claim it and never breathe. And the deeper the breath, the better.
At 44 years old, I have learned that life is a series of free-falls. It throws things at us that we did not see coming. Life can weigh us down, it can completely freak us out.  It can be difficult and we will struggle. During these times, our breathing may shift to short, shallow breaths. It may become difficult for us to breathe. Or we can disconnect and not even be mindful or aware that we are breathing, and what that feels like...what statement that makes. And yet, even in those circumstances, the same truth applies:  we claim or reclaim our life by breathing...and the deeper the better!

The Journey by Mary Oliver

This poem has been inspiring to me for many years.  I have had several "one day when I finally knew what I had to do:, which lead to a journey in which I didn't know the end when I began.  Step by step, I figured it out as I lived my truth.  It takes an incredible unfolding of resolve and strength, that sometimes surprises me because I didn't realize I even had it.  I am also surprised at the reactions of others in response to living one's truth.  I have never had regret when I respond to the call and allow myself to move forward in my journey.

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!" 

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save.

What Time Is It?

Have you ever thought about what advice you would give to your younger self?  If you could write and send a letter back to a younger version of yourself what would you say?  What wisdom have you gained at your current age, that your younger self might benefit from?  Dear 14 year old me: .....
When I was fourteen, my mom had some serious health issues related to her Chron's Disease that landed her in the hospital for several months.  From what I recall, she went into the hospital just prior to school getting out for the Summer.  After a serious surgery, some complications from being in the hospital and bad reactions to medications, the next school year had recently started when she was released from the hospital. As I have previously mentioned, my father wasn't around very often, so this left the 6 of us as kids, mostly on our own.  (We did have some help from neighbors and extended family).  My older sister, had a job that required her to work several afternoons during the week.  To me, it felt like I was mostly in charge at home.  I have some good memories during this time.  As brothers and sisters, we sometimes still share funny memories that are from this time period....songs we made up around the dinner table, jokes we told and ways we found to work together.  I don't know that it was all appropriate, given that a 14 year old and 16 year old were running the show, but we managed and we all made it through.
As I got older, and became an adult, a professional, a parent, an expert...I would find that in certain situations my current age didn't match the age I was feeling inside.  Often, when I would ask myself "how old do I feel?" the answer was often "14!", even though chronologically I was much older.  The effect this had on me was that often I wouldn't speak up, even if I was confident about what I would say.  Sometimes when I would speak up, I would find fault or doubt everything I had just said. I would become shy or withdrawn in certain social situations.  I wouldn't ask questions, and this fear would surface that somehow I would be found to be a fraud, even though I wasn't doing anything fraudulent.  For me, I was still able to function...after all at 14 years old, I had done a satisfactory job at running things in the "adult" world and playing an "adult" role even though I wasn't an adult.   But this feeling of "faking it" or being something I wasn't still lingered.  I began to realize that while I did a functional job at 14, I really didn't know what I didn't know....and I had a sense of that at that time. With the help of a good therapist, who was trained in EMDR, I was able to tend to those younger wounds, from my current age.
One of the pitfalls we can fall into when we are operating outside of our current age is the Drama Triangle. The "drama triangle" was developed by a well respected psychiatrist, and teacher of Transactional Analysis, named Stephen Karpman.  He defines three possible positions one can take when in the drama triangle:   the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer.  This resource has become an important tool I use both professionally and personally.  The drama triangle is also known as a "shame generator" because through it we unconsciously re-enact painful life scripts that create shame.  These scripts re-create feelings of anger, fear, guilt, entitlement, resentment or inadequacy and leave us feeling betrayed or exploited by others and keep us stuck in an altered version of reality.

                                                       Original Source © 1968 by the Transactional Analysis Bulletin.


In my experience, every dysfunctional interaction in our relationships...whether it's with others or the self, takes place in the drama triangle.  Until we become conscious of these dynamics, we cannot transform them into something that allows us to reclaim emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.
Everybody has a primary role or the role they are the most familiar with in the triangle.  It's usually the one they enter the drama triangle through.  We first learn our entry position role in our family of origin.  However, once we are in the triangle, we automatically rotate through all the positions, sometimes in a matter of minutes or even seconds.   For example, if a parent doesn't ask their child to take age-appropriate responsibility for themselves, they may grow up to become adults who feel inadequate at taking care of themselves (victim) or become resentful adults who blame others when they don't get taken care of in the way they think they should (persecutor).
VICTIM
When we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as Victim. Victim is often associated with  0-9 years of age, when we had the least amount of power in our lives and were the most dependent upon others for our needs.  The victim role is the wounded shadow of our inner child.  It's the part of us that is innocent, vulnerable and needy.  Of course, it's natural to need support throughout life.  However, it's when we are convinced that we need somebody to take care of us, believing that we are powerless or defective that it moves us into the victim position.
PERSECUTOR
Entitlement justifies the behavior of Persecutor..."it's ok to act this way because of what happened to me". There are many ways persecutors act out, however, persecutor behaviors are most often associated with adolescent rage.  It is easy to think that Persecutors are "bad" people.  They are not.  They are operating from a shame base.  They are wounded individuals who see the world as dangerous, which requires them to be ready to strike back and live in a defensive position.
RESCUER
The Rescuer has been described as a shadow of the mother principle, the God principle and is the classic co-dependent.  Instead of an appropriate expression of support and nurturing, the Rescuer tends to be overly responsible, to smother, control or manipulate--for other's own good, of course!  It's a misguided understanding of what it is to encourage, empower and protect.  Rescuing comes from a need to feel valued. Often, Rescuers have been falsely empowered during childhood.  Sometimes the rescuer will rescue themselves or others by denying reality.

HOW DO I GET OUT OF THE DRAMA TRIANGLE?

Living in the drama triangle creates misery and dysfunction.  Like the childhood game of musical chairs, all players sooner or later rotate positions.  Whenever we fail to take responsibility for ourselves, we end up in the triangle.  Taking responsibility is a key factor in moving us out of the drama triangle. A meaningful life requires a mindful willingness to get out of the triangle and to extend grace to those still trapped in it. Operating from our current age means we are willing to let go of the outcomes and accept life on life's terms. We learn that it is important for us to nurture ourselves, because at ( insert current age) 43 years of age, that is who is responsible for nurturing me.  We also learn that as adults, we have choices.  We have options.  As an adult, I cannot be abandoned, nor can I abandon other adults.  One of the practices I have learned, and still use is to ask myself What time is it?  If the answer is anything other than the current year or current age, I need to tend to what has come up.  The next question is Where am I?  If that answer does not match up to where I currently am....Here,  then again, a sign that I need to tend to some emotional things going on.  The third question is: What matters?  The answer I would like to hear back is this moment.  However, if the answer is something other than that, that is an indication that I need to do some exploring with myself, and possibly others who have earned the right to give input, in order to operate with all the wisdom and resources I have as a 43 year old woman.  

They say timing is everything.  In our relationships, the time we are acting or reacting from may mean the difference between healthy communication or the beginning of musical chairs.

                                                          

Mistakes are Gifts

George Bernard Shaw said: "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."  That's an interesting thought, isn't it?  Is it true?  Can mistakes actually be honorable?  I've been pondering on this lately, and I think the conclusion that I've come to is:  it depends. Sometimes, a life spent making mistakes translates into a life of doing nothing and creates a great deal of pain for people connected to the individual.  In other instances, mistakes become powerful gifts that hold powerful lessons that shape us and impact us in meaningful ways.
Researchers have found that by the time a person reaches the age of 60, enough "bad experiences" have occurred in a person's life to provide what we call "wisdom".  Simply put, wisdom is the ability to know what is and what is not worth being upset about.
For example,  being a child of the 80s, I definitely have one or two hairstyles that I would classify as a MISTAKE!  My daughters, when looking at some of my childhood photos, have asked more than once "Mom, did you think your hair looked good in that picture?" I usually will laugh and answer that "yes....at the time I actually did think my hair looked good in the picture, but that I realize now it did not!  However, with a couple more decades of "wisdom"  in my pocket, I know that those embarrassing photos are not worth being upset about.
I wish that bad 80s hairstyles were the sum of mistakes made in my life.  However, that is not the case. Those "bad experiences" would not yield enough wisdom to really serve me well.  As I review my life inventory, I can find many more critical mistakes I have made that have led to more meaningful and useful wisdom.  These include judging another person too harshly or continually trusting somebody who is not trustworthy. They include being determined to make something happen, when the best course was actually not the one I was so determined to pursue.  They include risks I was too scared to take and putting energy into pursuits or relationships that really didn't matter.  They include times I acted with recklessness and times when I was not compassionate....either with myself or somebody else.  They include times that I was hurting and thereby ended up hurting somebody else.  In recovery, we refer to this inventory of painful moments we walk back and review as the dark night of the soul.  It is a necessary step in stripping away denial and facing the dark and secret side of the self.  It's an opportunity to meet the shadows on the wall and to uncover the unbearable truths they conceal.  It requires sorting through all of your feelings and experiences.  It requires taking full responsibility for yourself.   Without this step we are unable to harvest the important lessons our history holds.  This is the process in which our mistakes transform into gifts. To leave this step undone, is to spend a lifetime doing nothing.  This process teaches us a way of focusing on what we can take away from every experience and prepares us for profound, meaningful change.  In recovery, we call these opportunities "wake-up calls."
Several years ago, on a warm August evening, I was sitting on my front porch by myself, listening to the sounds of my neighborhood....the lawn mowers, neighbor kids playing, the sound of skateboards on sidewalks.  It had been a typical hot August day and I was feeling drained and exhausted.  It had also been the day of my father's funeral.  As I sat and contemplated on the events of the day, the past week, the previous years of my life and of my father's life, I was experiencing profound sorrow.  My father had lived a life of mistakes that at the end, translated into a life spent doing nothing.  It was painful to be in a relationship with my father.  It hurt. As I contemplated on the wounds this created in my life, I asked myself a painful and poignant question:  Based on the wounds I experienced as a child, and the behaviors that sprang from those wounds....I wonder what it's like to be in a relationship with me?  More important, I wondered what it was like for my children to be my children.  That led to some honest conversations with each of my kids, which had mixed reviews. I learned that I hold back. That they feel loved, yet they also had experienced my being guarded, protecting myself so that I don't get hurt....which is a technique I learned as a young child.  I learned that they love me and they know I love them, but they also feel when I hold back.  This wasn't something I intended to do with my children.  Intellectually I know I am an adult, but intellect wasn't enough to move me out of childhood wounds, beliefs or behaviors.  I am grateful they had the courage to be open and lovingly honest. (We all have room for improvement, right?)  After my conversations with my girls, I went to my husband and had a similar conversation with him.  The truth about myself emerged in a deep way and brought with it profound resolve.  Nothing brings focus like pain.
It was then that the light began to dawn over this vast reservoir of love deep within me that was layered over by wounds of the past.  I had a whole new appreciation for how precious pain is.  I began to see that only by experiencing the pain could I begin to create a life of my own choosing.  Mistakes of the past served as the content for wisdom going forward.  That was a wake-up call that brought me to a deeper understanding of who I am and how I am and gave me options for being different. The gifts that came from the difficult conversations are precious to me.  I am grateful I was able to begin the process of changing the mistakes I was making and thereby deepening the relationships I have.  Since that day, the wake-up calls continue and the process of creating a life of my choosing is never ending. I don't know that answering the wake-up calls has gotten easier.  What I do know is that to do so yields rich rewards.

                                          "The universe doesn't like secrets.  
                              It conspires to reveal the truth, to lead us to it." 
                                                                               --Lisa Unger.

I Can......

In every community there is work to be done.  

In every nation, there are wounds to heal.  

In every heart there is the power to do it.      

 ~Marianne Williamson

It's intriguing for me to watch conflict in our nations, countries, communities and neighborhoods unfold and play out. Whether it's the United States Congress or local PTA squabbles about school spirit shirts....basic common sense and kindness seem to be lacking.  I know, conflict is nothing new.  A brief review of history would show that the current tide of hate speech, blame games, divisiveness, quarrels and opposition is nothing we haven't experienced before. What is it they say about history repeating?  That's right! Something about not learning the lessons of history and therefore being doomed to repeat them!  

One of the things I have learned is that in the vast scheme of things, we're not that different. No matter where we come from, our backgrounds, our vast talents and abilities, our life experiences...everything that could potentially make us different, actually brings us together and makes us very much the same. We all long to be loved, to give love, to find happiness and to feel safe and secure. 

Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that the current focus is on our similarities, but rather our insecurities and fears are allowed to focus on the faults of others or our differences. I have found that the steady streaming of conflict has challenged me to look at who I am and how I am. I admit I have my failings, my bad days, and my moments of fear. However, I have also found that the steady stream of conflict also calls out a resolution inside of me to cultivate goodness, beauty, truth and wisdom.

A couple months ago, in my blog post Peace is Heroic, I said that peace is easy to project when life is naturally peaceful. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to describe the collective time we are living in.  During turbulent times, peace becomes heroic. Peace becomes heroic when there's turmoil around you and when there's turmoil within you. It seems that the time to truly be heroic has presented itself to us.

Duality will always exist.  There will always be both light & dark, good & bad, accountability & compassion, justice and mercy, hatred & love.  I'm not interested in who is at fault.  What I am interested in is who will rise above?  Who will lead out? Who will reach across?  You don't have to intend to hurt someone in order to hurt someone.  I can be more conscientious of others when I speak or act.  People shouldn't have to earn kindness.  I can practice more kindness.  True beauty is reflected in the soul.  I can be more caring, more considerate.  Humanity can be so beautiful, it can represent the good in us, the spiritual in us, the compassion in us.  I can cultivate compassion.  Our planet is too small for everyone to get their way.  I can celebrate and embrace diversity. The world breaks everyone. I can turn my wounds into wisdom.  I see so much negativity and cruelty. I can have courage to trust and believe in the goodness of others.  

"Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet.  We all breathe the same air.  We all cherish our children's future.  And we are all mortal.". JFK

What can you do?

You're Braver Than You Think!

About a month ago, I changed the wallpaper on my iPhone to a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that I love and that I decided I need to practice.  The quote is this: "DO ONE THING EVERY DAY THAT SCARES YOU."  Over the past month, I've noticed how helpful it has been to read this every time I see my phone wallpaper.  I've been surprised at how many times I have felt strengthened, challenged, called out and I have even been pleasantly surprised and delighted at how brave I have felt.
Bravery is being a courageous person.  One that does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty or pain. It is speaking up for what is right, even if there is opposition.  It is acting on our convictions.  
What I have learned over this month as I have been practicing bravery is that often, my anger lies close to my bravery. For many of us we were taught that anger is bad, that it is a fault, that if we can't say something nice, we shouldn't say anything at all, and that we should "go to our room until we can be nice". But anger is something we feel. And when we feel it, we want to do something with it.  We want to yell, we want to hit something or someone, we want to break something, we want to kick something, we want to scream, we want to use our voice and insult that person, really let out a zinger.  But because we are taught to be nice people, we bury it instead.  We stuff it down, we medicate it, we ignore it and we put a smile on our face. This isn't really helpful when it comes to anger. Anger is meant to be respected. Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is meant to be acted upon, not to be acted out.  Anger is our alert system, it tells us to pay attention.  Anger shows us what our boundaries are.  It can let us see where we have been and what we have not liked. Anger points us in the direction we need to move, towards the actions we need to take. With a little thought and a bit of insight, we can usually decode the message that our anger is sending us.   
Once we have decoded the message that our anger is sending us, the next step is to then act upon that message.  Again, anger is meant to be acted upon, not to be acted out. There are many ways we can act out our anger.  We can get explosive, using many of the tactics listed above.  We can get mean and nasty with our words. We can be cruel, arrogant and dismissive.  We can be passive aggressive.  We can be patronizing and demeaning. We can be sarcastic and biting. We can be silent.  Acting upon our anger, however, doesn't look like any of these.  
Acting upon our anger may call us out to speak up, to take a stand.  When we are brave, this comes from a place of wisdom, a place of knowing.  A place in our core that holds us to our personal truths. 
Bravery can look like trying something new and not being afraid to fail.  It may be asking a question, or loving somebody unconditionally.  Bravery may look like seeking forgiveness.  It may look like facing our fears or finally seeing the unbearable truth hidden behind our pain.  Bravery looks like showing up...all of us...our real self.  Sometimes bravery means saying no.  It may be following our dream and trusting that the path will open up.  
I think if you were to ask people if they think they are brave, most would tell you no.  For many of us, our brave moments don't stand out as brave moments.  However, when we start to practice our bravery, when we pay attention and look for it....I believe we will be surprised at how brave we all are.  

Killing Creativity

This is a great TED talk on Killing Creativity.  In our Beginnings group the past few weeks we have been talking about the disconnect between the head and the body that happens for many addicts.  Ken Robinson talks about this in his TED talk and how connection between our head and body is critical for creativity.  I love when he says "if you're not prepared to be wrong, you will never come up with something original"!  Carve 20 minutes out of your busy day and give it a watch.  You will be glad you did!
http://www.ted.com/playlists/77/new_to_ted.html

How Do I Respond to Failure?

I don't know anybody who enjoys losing. I don't know anybody who at some point in their life hasn't been afraid to fail. All of us can fall prey to the little chicken running around warning that the sky is falling. These seem to be common human experiences. However, when we take a minute to breathe, step back and look at history, there seems to be something that separates the winners from the losers; and it doesn't seem to be determined merely by the outcome. Attitude, it would seem, plays a critical part.
As I said, nobody enjoys losing.  However, failure can inspire winners.  If you hate losing, then allow that to motivate you.  One story from history that illustrates this point is of Xenophon, the Greek historian, philosopher, soldier and mercenary, who was being pursued by a huge army of Persians.  He and his men had to take a stand on a hillside. One of his generals stated that he didn't think it was a good location to make their stand.  The general pointed out that there was a cliff behind them and there would be no way to retreat if they needed to.  Xenophon told his general, “Exactly!  We welcome the cliff.  In fact, here is what we are going to do.  We are going to march our armies so their backs are directly to the cliff, that way the Persians will know that we can never retreat and our men will know that retreat is not an option.  
One of my favorite quotes from one of my all time favorite books To Kill A Mockingbird also illustrates this point of allowing the chance of failure to motivate you.  As you may recall the main story takes place during three years of the Great Depression in the fictional "tired old town" of Maycomb, Alabama. It focuses on six-year-old Scout Finch, who lives with her older brother Jem and their widowed father Atticus, a middle-aged lawyer. Atticus is appointed by the court to defend Tom Robinson, a black man who has been accused of raping a young white woman, Mayella Ewell. Although many of Maycomb's citizens disapprove, Atticus agrees to defend Tom. As persecution increases and the trial approaches Atticus teaches his children: "real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway. And you see it through no matter what.  You rarely win, but sometimes you do." 
I believe there is a difference between hating to lose and being afraid to lose. If there is a fear of losing, that is usually associated with a belief that losing says something about you personally.  It may tap into some of our negative core scripts about not being good enough, not getting it right, being a failure rather than experiencing failure.  These fears or doubts make us shrink, not try at all or paralyze us from acting or moving forward.  Simply put, failure inspires winners and defeats losers. If you are reading this and find that the fear of failure has been prevalent in your life, that indicates some unresolved work that needs to be done so that you are no longer at the mercy of fear. 
The author Robert Kiyosaki uses the example of The Alamo to illustrate another way that we can respond to failure.  The story of the Alamo is a story of brave people who chose to fight knowing there was no hope for success.  They chose to die rather than surrender.  It was a tragic military defeat.  Yet, rather than burying the failure or hoping it will pass and nobody will remember, Texans chose to turn it into a rallying cry..."Remember the Alamo!"  Do we turn loss into a rallying cry?  Does it inspire us?  Do we become more determined?  Do we practice harder? Study more?  John D. Rockefeller is quoted as saying "turn every disaster into an opportunity."   
Another way that fear of failure can play out in our life is playing not to lose rather than playing to win.  I've mentioned before that three of my daughters play competitive soccer.  (Soccer is a big part of our family life and so I may talk about it more than once.) My 14 year old daughter was on a team several years ago that played not to lose.  As a result, they didn't win very many games.  At best, they tied and it was only if they were lucky that they won.  This particular daughter was born with adult sized energy into a 6lb. 5oz body.  Soccer has been a great way for her to channel her energy....and she loves to play soccer. She plays with a focus and determination that is inspiring.  If she is focused on moving that ball forward and getting a shot, it's hard to stop her from doing just that.  Her coach at that time however, played not to lose. Because she has no fear on the field and isn't afraid to be aggressive, he played her as a defensive player most of the game.  If the other team got a goal in, he would then move her up as an offensive player until she scored....and then he would move her back to defense.  It was frustrating for her to play this way.  Her coach was right that she helped strengthen the defense, however, having a strong defense and a weak offense didn't win games.   
As I said, I don't know anybody who enjoys losing, and yet everybody I know has experienced it. It seems to be part of the human experience.  If this is true, it would seem that the key to failing is to do it right. If you win, make it big.  If you lose, make it spectacular!    
  

Principles of Resilience

My daughter said to me the other day "Mom, how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?"  I smiled and said "how many?"  She responded "one, but the light bulb has to really want to change."
My chosen profession is therapy.  I am a therapist.  I specialize in working with addictions...specifically with sex addiction.  On a daily basis, I hear stories of pain, agony and loss.  My job is to help individuals transform their pain, agony and loss into something meaningful.  This is the essence of resiliency.
A couple of years ago I decided to become certified as a sex addiction therapist (CSAT).  It took me a year to complete this certification and was one of the best decisions I have made in my career thus far. Becoming a CSAT changed me as a person and therefore as a therapist.  I trained under Dr. Patrick Carnes, who is a pioneer in the field of sexual addiction recovery, as well as other remarkable professionals who I feel blessed to count as colleagues.  There are so many things I learned in my year of certification.  One that I want to focus on today are the principles of resilience.
Our society often teaches that when bad things happen it's best to grit your teeth and push through.  Some might add just don't talk about it or don't think about it.  It turns out, however, it doesn't work like that.  And there is much more to recovery and resilience than just getting through.  When something bad happens, people fall apart.  Not just weak people, but strong people too.  Our initial response is to despair.  That despair can lead us into addictions or numbing behaviors as a means of escape.  It can lead us to denial as a way to protect ourselves from seeing the pain of reality.  (There's a reason it's called the "sweet voice of denial").  Or after our initial despair, we can pick ourselves up off the floor and start down the road of resiliency.
The first principle of resilience is Acceptance.  Putting off dealing with adversity and sorrow actually delays healing and recovery.  M. Scott Peck made an interesting statement, he said "mental health is the pursuit of reality at all costs." Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to acknowledge what is real.  However, when we acknowledge reality, only then are we able to do something about it.
The second principle is Predictability. There is a large body of research stating that adverse stress is less likely when a challenging event is predictable.  Life is hard....and that is predictable.  We will always have stressors and challenges.  One of the things that I learned from Dr. Carnes is that recovery or resilience is much like training for athletes.  Olympic competitors or professional athletes know that to succeed, they will experience great stress.  Therefore, what they do is train for it.  They work every day to prepare for the stressful event, be it a game or tournament.  Each day, they build their strength, push themselves to improve their skills and practice strategies for winning.  Athletes also "cross train" so that the demands on one muscle set doesn't become too much.  They also find regular patterns of rest.  They take care of themselves. Training every day for the stressors or challenges that will come to us helps us cultivate resilience.
The third principle of resilience is Controllability.  Nobody can control every aspect of a challenging event.  However, we also know that having a sense of control generally leads to more positive results.  This is where knowing and respecting what our limits are as well as knowing what choices we do have becomes important.  The serenity prayer that is recited so often in recovery God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference helps us in our ability to adapt and be resilient. When we recognize what it is that we can change and act on a plan the result is a life of our own creating.   Otherwise, our life would be based on the expectations of others or the result of a life lived with blinders on. Integrity often comes down to taking responsibility for what we can do and having an awareness of our impact on others.
The fourth principle of resilience is Trust. Trust plays a critical role in withstanding adversity.  Trust provides a positive expectation from the people, systems or organizations in which we interact with and includes integrity, dependability, responsibility and competency. Trust is built through experience and includes certain expectations like families will be faithful, the parachute will open, I will make it through etc. Trust also includes allowing others to meet our needs and accepting more than what is needed in order to build reserves.
The fifth principle of resilience is Relationship. Relationships are critical for cultivating resilience.  With strong, healthy relationships individuals and groups can thrive despite profound challenges.  I have three daughters that play on competitive soccer teams.  The coach of my 15yo has worked for years on teaching them to play as a team.  He has talked to them over and over about the importance of talking to each other while they are out on the field and of letting the team member with the ball know what it is that they see.  The team member with the ball is focused on the task at hand and therefore may not see the larger picture of what is happening on the field.  If nobody on the team tells her "man on" or "you've got time" he would often ask the team "Why don't you like her?  Why aren't you helping her? Why are you expecting her to do this on her own?"  Resilient people surround themselves with people who believe in them.  They also surround themselves with people who are often more competent than they are and they give those individuals credit for their accomplishments.  This allows for growth and creates an atmosphere where success is encouraged and supported.
The last principle of resilience is Meaning.  People fare better when they know why they are doing what they are doing. The ability to take anything and pull purpose, meaning and growth from it is a critical skill in resilience.  There is a saying in the big book from 12 steps that says "nothing is wasted". I love this concept. I love the idea that whatever I go through, whatever comes my way, whatever amount of time is spent on the journey through, it need not be wasted.  If it adds to my life experience, if I learn  a lesson from it, if I grow stronger as a result, if I am wiser moving forward, if I become softer and more compassionate then it holds valuable meaning for me.  In this way, every challenge encountered holds untold potential and that is exciting!

Journey On!