The article was published this week http://national.deseretnews.com/article/17181/figuring-out-why-teens-turn-to-pornography.html. As is often the case, there is a lot of valuable information that simply cannot make it into the article. Here are the talking points that were left on the editing floor....
There is currently an ongoing debate in the medical and mental health fields about whether pornography can be an addiction like alcohol or drugs. Currently there are a growing number of studies that show similarities in the brains of regular pornography users and drug users. For many, behavioral or process addictions--like pornography, shopping, gambling, eating and work are not recognized the same as a drug or alcohol addiction. Often times, the process or behavioral addictions are talked about in terms of moral failings or irresponsible behaviors rather than recognizing these addictions as a brain disease similar to alcoholism. Ultimately, the classification of sex as an addiction, along with other behavioral addictions, will be decided in the neuroscience field. Currently the results of these neuroscience studies are strongly supporting sex as an addiction and addiction as a brain disease.
The American College of Pediatricians recently released a statement on porn citing: "consumption of porn is associated with many negative emotional, psychological and physical health outcomes. This includes increased rates of depression, anxiety, acting out and violent behavior, a younger age of sexual debut, promiscuity and increase risk of teen pregnancy and a distorted view of relationships."
For many parents, raising teens in a sexual world is frightening. Teens are driven by their rapidly shifting hormones, which evokes a hyper interest in all things sexual. Teens are also known to be impulsive, compulsive and easily pressured, which makes them at times bad decision makers with regrettable choices. Teens are also the group most likely to explore any and every potential use of new technology. The reality of our sexualized society can result in unwarranted fear mongering by media outlets, religious institutions and some mental health professionals. The fear created and perpetuated can result in helicopter parenting, which tends to weaken resilience in children and adolescents.
Teens are hungry for conversations with adults about sex. Teens are also skilled at tuning into the comfort level of the adults having these conversations with them. Teens will tune you out if the conversation is a lecture or if they perceive you as an irrelevant resource for the feelings and questions they have. The reality is, teens will talk with their parents about what they're comfortable with, what they're not comfortable with they will take elsewhere and a valuable teaching moment and opportunity for connection will be lost.
As I talk with parents about teens and pornography, I have noticed there's a lot of focus on filters and not enough focus on relationships and connections. When giving presentations, I use the analogy of parents thinking of filters as a mote they are putting around the internet that is impassable when in reality filters serve more as a posted NO TRESPASSING sign that might cause teens to pause, but they can simply hop the fence and go forward. It's important to remember that the key to prevention is connection. Many times parents are missing opportunities to help put context around what their teens are seeing online because they are overly focused on preventing teens from seeing anything online.
One of the biggest mistakes made when talking to teens about pornography is not recognizing that this isn't just about pornography. Often what starts as curiosity or accidental exposure can develop into a much larger issue. Pornography or sex addiction is a complex issue with many moving parts. Because sex stimulates, in very powerful ways, the reward center of the brain, teens often discover that using porn is a powerful way to deal with stress and other negative emotions. While using a behavior, such as sex or pornography may begin by making a choice to feel pleasure, it can also turn to using sex or pornography to feel less; less anxiety, less stress, less disappointment, less rejection.
Another mistake parents make when talking to their teens about pornography is underestimating their own sphere of influence with their teen. We used to think that talking to teens about drug use would give permission for kids to use drugs. Fortunately we found that is not the case. Talking does not equal a green light or give permission. Talking to teens about sex can bring up parental discomfort for the parents and teens will sense that discomfort and turn to peers or google, which doesn't make them so uncomfortable. If parents want to help their kids navigate a world that is highly sexual, parents need to practice talking to other parents about sex and teens. They need to confront their own sex negative messages that are getting in the way of having these conversations and they need to examine the various parts that make up a healthy relationship.
Lastly, one of the mistakes parents make when navigating such a complex issue like pornography is that this is an ongoing process of both what is said to teens as well as what is not said to teens. It is important for parents to model for their kids what to do after making a mistake. Parents can build a lot of credibility with kids as they model how to take ownership, how to be accountable, how to make amends and how to repair and reconcile. These areas may not seem like they directly combat problematic sexual issues, but they are more connected than they may appear. Teens need to have experience with healthy relationships in order to recognize what is not healthy or what is unrealistic. The teenage years are a great time to put into practice on a larger scale what they have learned as young kids regarding healthy coping skills. This includes how to identify what they're feeling, being able to express that to another person and trusting another person to both hear and listen to them. Teens need to learn that emotions aren't simply a problem to be solved, but that emotions are an intricate part of what makes relationships rich and give relationships depth. Teens will often feel emotions on an intense level and it is important for parents to send the message that their emotions are not too much. Teens don't want to be dismissed to their room until these intense emotions subside. What they do need are parents or other adults that are willing to sit in the mess with them...not to fix the emotions or fade the emotions, but to connect with the individual. To send the message that "I get it"; "I'm here with you"; "I care about you" and "you're not alone."
