What is it that you do?

The other day I was talking to somebody about my job and I was getting the usual questions:  do you like what you do?  Is it hard?  How do you not take it home with you?  How do you set aside and forget all the sad and horrible things that you hear everyday?  Well, the truth is I do like what I do.  In fact, I love my job!  Yes, it is hard and sometimes, I do take it home with me. These are hard questions for me to answer.  It's hard for me to adequately capture what it is that I do, what I see clients do and just what it is about this whole process that I love and feel passion about, and do it in a brief conversation. 

The other thing that I don't know if people really know about therapists....is that the good therapists have also been in therapy at various times and are open to continuing to go as needed in order to work through our own stuff.  I believe that you can only help another walk as far as you've gone yourself.  

Attempting to become your own successful, unique individual self is a lot of work! Discovering your core self can take years.  Maintaining and being true to that core self can be a lifelong pursuit with many ups & downs. For me, there has always been a strong connection between knowing and developing my self and coming to peace with who I am. As I sit and try to sort through the messy times, awkward situations or difficult challenges, I have some very honest, realistic conversations with myself and with some close confidants, who as Brene Brown would say, have earned the right to be in those conversations. I think about trials, successes, influential people, the purpose of life, and I try to connect meaning and purpose to what is before me. Sorting and reflecting through these things is a very healing time for me.

 

I believe that one of the most powerful words in the English language is “remember”.  I also believe that remembering is one of the hardest and most courageous things we can do.  This life is a vale of soul-making….in that sense nothing is truly wasted.  The poet Keats said: “and each one of us must take the charge of our lives upon ourselves.”  This is one of the most compassionate acts you can do for yourself: to stand by the truth of your own life and live it as fully and passionately as you are able.  

One of the first steps to making life long changes is leaving the scripts from your past behind you.  As you do this, you walk through your fear of the unknown.  So much hangs on that first step.  If you've already started on this journey, then you may have reached the point of realizing that it is not enough to know, you have to begin.  Every day you have to begin.  The time for discussion and deliberation is over.  This is not the time to decide what you are going to do.  You’ve already made that decision at a time when your mind was quiet and your body and soul were connected.  Now is the time to start walking, to stand by the truth you’ve always known.  To be the person you were always meant to be. 

It took me a long time to be ready.  In my case, the shell of my life had to be softened, broken down even, before that moment of truth could appear.  The pain of loss, grief, and despair is not essential for transformation.  I think it is possible to step into a new life in more graceful ways.  But for most of us, and certainly for me, pain and loss had to prepare the way for a deeper life to emerge.  A new life requires a death of some kind; otherwise it is nothing new, just a shuffling of the same old deck.  What dies is an outworn way of being in the world.  We learn to experience ourselves differently.  I’m not suggesting for one moment that it is easy, the choice is always ours. 

One of my favorite poems was introduced to me by a favorite teacher of mine, who maybe I'll blog about at a different time. It’s a poem that brought me through many broken moments during my own transformation.

Invictus

William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

 

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud

Under the bludgeoning of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll;

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

 

Finding your self is challenging.....it's supposed to be. The more you are honest with the process, the closer you get to the finished product. I  count it a privilege to be a witness to the many people who have shared their journey with me.  I have seen strength and determination. I have seen vulnerability and humility.  I have seen courage and compassion and I have seen insight and understanding.  We have laughed at times and cried at others, and we have kept walking along in our journey.  In being true to that small voice within, I believe we are being of service to the world in the most profound way possible.  We are being willing to save the only life we can save.  We affirm our belonging to the human community and identify with the struggles and joys of all.  No one else can ever walk our journey for us.   We alone can respond to our call. 

Friend or Foe?

I've heard it said that one of the most important beliefs we can have is the belief that the world is a friendly place.  I don't think we come to this belief because life is easy or because we live in a land of rainbows and ponies.  I think it is one of the most important beliefs we can have because it is a belief that we come to despite the evidence we will have to the contrary.  
Each life is a collection of stories---our stories.  The meaning of these stories will often be unclear.  The cowboy standing on the dusty trail may wonder to himself--did I find a rope or lose a horse?  Often we will wonder what the meaning is to our own stories. Each of us has the opportunity to interpret our own.  In every lesson and every experience are the seeds of inspiration or exasperation; we get to choose.  We can add up our experiences to create a story of injustice and pain....which we will have plenty of data on.  Or we can take the very same experiences and organize them to create meaning, to inspire gratitude and to develop character. 
Eleanor Roosevelt said "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself I lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along."
It takes courage to live a good life.  It takes courage to make meaningful connections.  I'm not talking heroic acts of courage, although those are inspiring and often performed by "regular" people.  I'm talking the courage it takes to say "I'm sorry".  To admit we made a mistake and are imperfect. The courage to say "I don't know" or "I've been there; I've done that". The courage to be the first one to say "I love you". To look another in the eye and express what we are feeling.  The courage to let others see our vulnerability.  And the courage to believe that despite our failings and imperfections we are worthwhile individuals worthy of love and belonging. 
They say "it takes a village" and it does. I think it's important to believe that the village isn't an angry mob out to get us, but rather a group of supporters who have also been bruised and broken in their own journey through life and are part of a team that supports, cheers and sometimes drags us along in our own journey.  Thank you to those who make up my village and are a part of my tribe, I couldn't do it without you!